Stop retreating

[Gaining Strength]

I am dedtermined to stop retreating from life.  It is much more difficult than I would have expected.

I am labeling all resistance, "fear" and then surrounding it with the concept of "love". 
I hate the mornings and I hate the nights.  The inbetween is ok if I am around people or I have some specific "work" to do.  But even with "work" there is a level of self-criicsm that is gnawing at me.  I really get how that came from my N parents trying to sabotage me.  I couldn't believe that until recent months.  Now I have much work to do to undo that brain set.

Just posting to put it out to the universe.  That has been really helpful to me since I came on line here.

[Leah]

Hi GS,

Truly understand what you mean as my Nmother has done that to me, without my realising it until recently, and , despairingly I now have to accept the realisation that my Nfather is the same, and doing the same, Christmas was a shock for me.  (my N parents divorced years ago). 

But in my retreat I have been able to slowly heal, learn and understand the why of their behaviour, and, now I must finally accept and comes to terms with the fact that they are never going to change, in any case they clearly don't want to.

It is so helpful to find others who have or are experiencing the same as oneself, which is enabling in itself.

Though it takes time for each process, almost 5 years in all for me.

I am hopeful that 2007 will be the year of a new life - free at last.

Admittedly, retreating from life, is hard to break from - easier option to stay put sometimes, fear of being misunderstood or getting hurt again, but, we must remain strong and ever hopeful, that's how we got this far!

Take care GS.

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

I am with you Leah.

It is clear to me that I must choose to move forward.  I have become comfortable in my retreat position AND moving forward activates all those warnings about imminent danger.  But those warnings and fears that were helpful as a child, now are sabotaging my hopes and my needs.  The warnings that I won't succeed, won't have the necessary tools or resources, will be laughed at or shamed are hardwired into my pshyche so that I am functioning without being aware of what I am responding to.  Now I have to bring these operations into my awareness AND counteract them.  That's really not as overwhelming as it seems to me.  When I put it down on paper, it looks very manageable.

One of the functionings that I developed early on that presently sabotages me is delaying or procrastinating.  I am doing that right now.  Over the holidays I finally realized that procrastination began for me as a child when I got up in the morning.  I unconsciously delayed going down to breakfast as long as I could because my father would be so demanding and judgemental about everything from how I held the fork to how long I chewed.  And the biggest problem was that I so admired him that I wanted more than anything to meet his standards.  Who knew that the bar was raised each time I neared it.  Of course all of the happened unconsciously over and over until it was ingrained.

Now I long to undo the damage.  But I still operate out of fear of failure, fear of criticism and judgement and fear of not being enough.  But now I am the judge.  It is so crazy.  But I do recognize that I and only I can undo the damage.  If I can keep my focus on that I can recognize that I am in a position of power rather than powerless.

Just working this all out here.  I hate this process and it is scary but if I change my focus to the powerfulness that might help.  Now I realize that this is where I retreat to the powerlessness, waiting like an infant for my father to come and rescue me.  Now that has got to change.  Thanks for listening.

[Hopalong]

GS, hon,
You are doing SO well, addressing yourself and the issues with such bravery.

I was just thinking that maybe you need simple human comfort mornings and evenings.
Have you ever tried your own do-it-yourself music therapy?

Cat Stevens' "Morning Has Broken" in the a.m...
something peaceful in the evenings...

Vocal, intimate but not seductive, you know? Some of the best ballads might be good, but I am flailing for titles.

Anyway, seems to me you deserve comforting company in the a.m. and p.m.

When I am facing the mountain (paperwork, the usual) I get both panicked at being home alone with it and also mildly agorophobic at leaving it.

(As though aiming x-ray vision at piles of paper ever got them sorted.)

I'm your buddy in the trenches of procrastination. I understand it.

But I swear, it might be like seeing someone after a transformation, you probably can't see how clearly you have grown and calmed yourself half as clearly as others do. Your growth and better focus is visible in your words.

One 12-inch square.

Hugs,
Hops

[gratitude28]

GS,
PLEASE give yourself time. I have told you before, I know, but I needed that time desperately when I was "isolating." We need to lick our wounds, gatehr ourselves and move slowly back into our new world. It is a NEW world for us because we are seeing it through different eyes. I NEVER knew how to deal well with life and I am learning every day now. But I like how I am handling things. You have made so much progress, but you can't force time.
(((((GS)))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Oh yes Hops - I love the "One square at a time" policy.  Got to keep it in mind.

Gratitude - thank you.  I am so thankful for the progress I have made.  I absolutely belleve that I am on my way.  It won't ever be fast enough but that's impatience speaking. 

Thanks for the encouragement. - GS

[CB123]

Hops and GS,

What's the "one square at a time" principle?  Sounds like one I'd like to know! 

CB

[Gaining Strength]

I'm a mess monger and I get overwhelmed by the mess.  This fall Hops suggested that I tackle only one square foot at a time.  A manageable bit.  This can be done lliterally or figuratively.  It helps me deal with being overwhelmed.

I have ADD and my little one has ADHD.  He can turn a neat room into a pig sty in the blink of an eye.   We have been staying a good bit at my mother's because my heat is not working and I don't have the money to fix it right now.  She keeps a neat house (if you don't open the closets)  and he can do the same at her house.  It helps me understand how my house became a complete pig sty.

Yesterday I worked with an organizer at my mother's house.  Each time we got to a certain point I became frozen and shut down.  I can take a mess apart and organize it into catagories but I cannot get it put back together again.

I am running late this morning.  I get stuck in the mornings and it has everything to do with a history of facing criticsm in the morning - as a child from my parents and then from my own internalized voice.  I know I can change that voice and come alive.  I'll put this in my priority catagory of Attitude change.  I am learning to not retreat from the day before the day starts.  That's a good place to begin I think. - GS

[Hopalong]

thank you for this, GS:

retreat from the day before the day starts

I didn't know that's what I do sometimes (weekends) but that's it.

Thanks.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

My mother wanted to get her basement and garage cleaned up.  When she moved into her current house 5 years ago she just dumped a bunch of things in the basement. (She moved not long after my husband had died and she just threw away so much stuff that was mine or came from my childhood including all of the christmas decorations.  She has absolutely NO sentimentality.  Much of what was store in the basement was family photographs in beautiful brass frames.  They mean nothing toher.  That is something that I cannot understand but have gotten to a place where it no longer hurts.  I finally don't take it personally.

Anyway, my mother hired a man from her church who is out of work and I encouraged her to hire a woman who is a professional organizer.  The three of us worked for a day and a half.  It was so interesting to work with the organizer.  She really gets the emotional issues behind messes.  I saw a pattern emerge for me - I could sort stuff and oganize it in catagories but over and over again I couldn't get it put away.  I recognized this from my childhood as well.  It is a place that I have gotten stuck my whole life.  I'm still not sure what to make of it but I feel strongly that it is related with where I am stuck in getting my business off the ground. 

I have known my entire life that I work better with someone around me.  Someone who can kindly encouragement past where I am stuck.  I think I will open myself up to finding that person.  That has been missing every step of the way in my life.  This woman is the second I have encountered in recent weeks who has that ability.  I think it is encouraging that I am able to spot just the kind of person I need.  I believe that means my vision is opening up to see what I need and that that is a sign of moving forward.

There is another part that I cann't fully work out.  But it has to do with being quiet.  Last night when I was sleeping I kept finding myself in the fetal position.  It is how I usually sleep but I am realizing that it is a cramped way of sleeping.  Often I will try to straighten out and open up in a calm peaceful manner but I am resistant. I believe this is a deep seeded fear that I absolutely must get in touch with and release.  This is a point of GREAT frustration for me.  So I am going to keep it in the forefront of my thoughts in the days to come to see if that wll break the logjam.  - Thanks for listening. - GS

[Stormchild]

Hi GS

try a 'savasana' - it's a relaxation exercise yoga type thing where you sprawl out and tighten and relax groups of muscles, working from  your tips [hands, feet] to your center [tummy]. Let me see if I can find a good link - oh, here's a dandy one!

http://www.webindia123.com/yoga/savasana.htm

Don't be put off by the 'nickname' this exercise has. It is a truly wonderful way to ease into sleep, as a confirmed insomniac I used it for years in my 20s and 30s, and even if I still could not sleep, it allowed me to relax enough to meditate and get some rest that way.

another valuable trick is one we all knew when we were babies. Waking stretches. Sit up, on the bed, stretch up your arms, point your fingers, REACHHHHH . turn and put your legs over the edge, stretch them out straight in front of you, point your toes, REACHHHHH... bend in the middle and reach forward, then shrug your arms back as far as you can [feel your shoulderblades try to REACHHHH each other], then stand up, put your legs shoulder width apart, reach to your knees, your ankles, the floor, then walk your hands back up your legs to raise yourself up, and stand.

Slowly with all of this, so you don't push yourself too hard, and being careful of any restrictions you have due to bad backs or other trouble spots... but OH, the DIFFERENCE it makes when you are a creaky old lady like me! So all you young 'uns should find it helpful too.

Do be careful about the fetal position. Cramping your joints can make them sore because they don't get good circulation when they're cramped up for a long time.

You know that the assumption of the fetal position is an instinctive posture to protect oneself, don't you? It reflects the abuse you have experienced. As you heal, you will find that you also uncurl. Promise.

[Gaining Strength]

"It reflects the abuse you have experienced. As you heal, you will find that you also uncurl. Promise."

I realize that it is a fear/protection based postition.  Thanks for your point.  I will hold on to that promise and can't wait to try those exercises.

This past Monday my son and I went with a friend to our local science museum.  They had on display a game called Mindball.  The object is to lower your alpha and theta waves to increase relaxation.  The lower your waves the better you  do in the game.  I'm thinking about going there regularly and use it like a neurofeedback exercise.  It is only a few blocks from my sons school.  This could be a great exercise.  I'm going to start today. - GS

[Gaining Strength]

I just had an insight that I had had glimpses of before.  I often am disappointed by how much time I spend on this sight but I just realized that I come here because I find REAL dialogues that hae meaning to me and I find validation for so much that has in the past caused isolation.  This place is for me like a feeding trough - filled with nourishment.  I have starved for so long that even 5 months later I can't get enough.  I am so very hungry.  Thanks for the trough Dr. Grossman and thanks for the feed everyone. - GS

[Stormchild]

((((((((((GS))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Hey Storm - your suggestions helped alot about relaxing before sleep last night.  Thank you.