CB, the reason I asked is that it occurred to me one time when you were being a little hard on yourself that you had suffered not only with an Nh but LONG before that with your own family of origin. When you posted about your mother I was curious about what your father was like. In time, after you have make sufficient progress in processing your relationship with your husband I suspect you will want to begin to process those early familial relationships as well.
You say, "I don't know how well I am doing. I think I have worked on the positive affirmations for so long that I mostly believe them. I still feel as though every day is a struggle."
But I can see the strength and determination in your writing. Each post you are dealing with an issue, processing it and moving forward - sometimes an inch, sometimes a mile and often somewhere inbetween. You have been through so much!!! And of course you have difficult times ahead but when I say that you are doing well I mean that you are on a good, solid path out of the darkness. I don't mean that I think you are out of the troubles but that you are doing very well in the process to get out rather than to stay in.
The rest of your post is a perfect example of the remarkable gift and strength you demonstrate. You state the problem you are dealing with and give an example and then, amazingly, you get to the solution,
IT HAS TO STOP. I am amazed and jealous of your remarkable ability to see one issue at a time and clarify what needs to be done and then do it. It is a remarkable ability!! And I believe it will serve you well. When you feel you can't go on, just look back and see how well you have done.
In spite of my best intentions, I have a very hard time seeing the reality of what is my responsibilty and what isnt.
I try too hard to make up for my H's poor parenting and I end up stretching myself too thin. I got a big wake up call (bit of a pun) two nights ago, when I tried to schedule too much for the kids on too little sleep. I ended up driving home from a very long distance with them, on slick roads--trying to compensate for my poor eyesight and lack of sleep. They didnt know how dangerous I was on the road (and I didnt either until I was too far into it to do anything about it except keep on going). We made it home, but very nearly didnt.
I realized that my foolish behavior was all built on my sense that I can never do enough to make up for what I've put them through. It was so ridiculous that even I realized it. I am through with that and am going to actively get to the bottom of it. This isnt about H--this is about me. It's the reason I put up with his outrageous behavior as well as why I am doing what I am now. It has to stop.
I fervently believe that you all will help each other. I have said that before and am just amazed that you all are spontaneously doing this. There is a healing nature inherent in your core family. I can't tell you how remarkable this is. This is where my hopes are for myself and my son - to have a full sized family filled with love and support and encouragement. I am truly happy for you all.
"My youngest is on visitation this weekend and another son is getting ready for a professional dance production. But I had four home this weekend and we had an amazing conversation together. Altogether in the evening, talking about what we had learned about ourselves in the course of the separation. What they had realized about the truth of their relationship with their dad. They did most of the talking. It was the first time we have ever done anything like that together.
Their insights were incredible, and I could see that they were helping each other--much as we do here. It was a bright spot in my week."
I admire you CB. You are a remarkable model and inspiration to me as you find your way in the darkness. You will get to the other side. You will. And so will your precious children - each and every one. - I am so very glad that you are here. - your friend - Gaining Strength
