The "Bad Mommy Taboo"

[Stormchild]

Wow.

Here is a review of a book I'm going to try to buy, or at least order, this weekend... it's called "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends".

Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.

The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo,in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she's your mother".  A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected. Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."

I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, Luke 17:3 Ministries, to many of the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers' true natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and caring of their children, right?

Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward healing. This book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders- which includes other family members.

We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers' destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.

In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother. We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.

The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."

This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.

Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."

from here: http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friend/dp/0385298838

Can I ever relate to the 'Bad Mommy Taboo' !!!!!!!

[axa]

Storm,

I remember moving into my first apartment which I shared with three other young women.  After one of my mother's nasty phone calls where she told me she was going to go to my workplace and tell them what I was really like, blah blah more abuse.  I put down the phone and went into the kitchen where one of my roommates was cooking.  I said in a very calm voice "I hate my mother" her response was You can't say that.

My mother was a fully fledged N and I hated her for most of my life.  She is dead for a number of years now.  I do not hate her anymore, I feel sorry that she had such lovely children who were nothing more than objects to her but I am glad that I do not have any interaction with her anymore.  I guess I feel so little for her it is amazing.  Think maybe all the therapy worked in that the hatred for her is gone from me and does not hurt me anymore.

There are plenty of bad mothers out there.


axa

[liberty]

Hi Storm,

I read this book. I like the way it dealt with the "Bad Mommy Taboo". I have been on the receiving end of this as well. I get the "Well it's your mother" as though this is an excuse for parents to do anything to their children and the children must accept this without question.

To think that all parents are good and all parents love their children in magical thinking and the first step to healing I believe is to remove this idea from our minds.

Lib

[Hopalong]

I have a fantasy of how my life could've been different if I'd simply put the phone down quietly, without hanging up, put a pillow over it, and gone on about my business.

 

Hops

[Stormchild]

Storm,

I remember moving into my first apartment which I shared with three other young women.  After one of my mother's nasty phone calls where she told me she was going to go to my workplace and tell them what I was really like, blah blah more abuse.  I put down the phone and went into the kitchen where one of my roommates was cooking.  I said in a very calm voice "I hate my mother" her response was You can't say that.

Oh, ye Gods and little fishes. The one I always got was 'But you know she reeeeeeally loves youuuuuu....." said, always, with a look of absolute terror on the person's face. Panic. Deer in headlights.

It took me years to realize that the reason my insight was pushed away so violently was that these women were themselves (a) being abused (b) usually by their mothers and (c) in frantic denial about it.

My mother was a fully fledged N and I hated her for most of my life.  She is dead for a number of years now.  I do not hate her anymore, I feel sorry that she had such lovely children who were nothing more than objects to her but I am glad that I do not have any interaction with her anymore.  I guess I feel so little for her it is amazing.  Think maybe all the therapy worked in that the hatred for her is gone from me and does not hurt me anymore.

There are plenty of bad mothers out there.

I came to hate mine gradually, and it peaked after her death when I found out the truth about so many things... primarily just how much she had hated me, all the while using and taking all that she could. She died just over six years ago, and only now can I pity her. I was numb for a couple of years after the anger wore off - now, thank God, I pity her, but it took more than half a decade!

I read this book. I like the way it dealt with the "Bad Mommy Taboo". I have been on the receiving end of this as well. I get the "Well it's your mother" as though this is an excuse for parents to do anything to their children and the children must accept this without question.

That's exactly what it's like. As though parents have no obligation at all to be decent to their kids... no obligation to be good parents if they have chosen to be parents at all. Then we wonder why so many people are so messed up!

To think that all parents are good and all parents love their children in magical thinking and the first step to healing I believe is to remove this idea from our minds.

Lib

I agree so much, Lib! It isn't 'comforting lies' that set us free, it isn't 'slightly reduced denial' or 'politically correct perceptions' - it's the TRUTH that sets us free. And a lot of the time the truth isn't very pretty, and people are afraid of seeing it themselves - so the simplest form of self-protection is to make sure nobody else ever gets to it either....

And that's where a lot of these 'perceptual taboos' come from. We all know, intellectually, that there HAVE to be 'bad mothers', and LOTS of them, even, for so many people to be so messed up! We all know our OWN mothers - or fathers - must have fallen down on the job somewhere or we wouldn't be on this board trying to glue our lives back together! But the pressure of denial upon us, from society and even sometimes from our own training, is so fierce.

Even that bit about 'oh, they did the best they could'.

Well, some of them didn't always.

And sometimes they knew it.

And sometimes they didn't do their best because they just didn't want to!

And they knew that too.

Hugs,

Stormy

[Stormchild]

I have a fantasy of how my life could've been different if I'd simply put the phone down quietly, without hanging up, put a pillow over it, and gone on about my business.

 

Hops

When I think of all the HOURS I wasted just listening to N-rant... !

Funny. I've recently made a new little promise to myself and it's so relevant here. I no longer am willing to spend time listening to any people who prove themselves incapable of listening to me. It has saved me SO much time, just in the last few months!

[Dazed1]

Hi Storm,

I must get this book.

What you said about deciding to not listen to those who don't listen to you:  Me too!

Thanks for the book recommendation.

dazed

[Leah]

Hi Storm,

Many thanks for recommending this book, I am going to order a copy too.

Also looked at the site quoted on the review  Luke17:3ministries.org and copied this off the site ......

Adult Child Abuse-The Only Abuse Still Accepted

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL....

     ...TOLERATED BY SOCIETY

          ...ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY

               ...CONDONED BY SOCIETY

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS....

     ...OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR

          HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE

             TO OTHERS

         ...EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING

               ...CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF

                    ...JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER

THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO....

      ...BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE

          ...HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE TO RUN HER OWN LIFE OR

                MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS

               ...BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF

                     ANOTHER

                    ...HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICE

CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN.

THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .

SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE!  THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !

[Leah]

The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."

This is truly an answer to my prayers as I have struggled and wept for many months now, having had to finally 'divorce' myself from my mother, and the anguish and pain in my heart has at times been unbearable, fearing that I have done wrong, acted 'unchristian'.

I am weeping tears of relief, for I have had no-one to share with, no-one to discuss this with, which in itself is futher crazymaking.

Grateful to have found this site and understanding.

Leah

[Gaining Strength]

Stormchild how wonderful that you found this book review and this site.  It really stirs up alot of sadness for me.  The issue of emotional abuse by family is one thing. The  issue of having that abuse not validated is a whole other thing.  That has been as damaging and as alienating as the original abuse - maybe more so.

Thank you so much for posting this.  It is comforting to know that this issue is being acknowledged and addressed.  Don't I hope that some will be spared that excruciating pain that so many of us have experienced. - GS

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Dazed, leah, GS))))))))))

leah, thanks so much for the excerpt from the reviewer's site. It looks like there might be a lot of treasure there.

[Bones]

Stormy wrote:

"I came to hate mine gradually, and it peaked after her death when I found out the truth about so many things... primarily just how much she had hated me, all the while using and taking all that she could. She died just over six years ago, and only now can I pity her. I was numb for a couple of years after the anger wore off - now, thank God, I pity her, but it took more than half a decade!"

That's where I am at NOW!!!  My NMom died in August 1997 and I'm still working through this!

Bones

[Stormchild]

It takes time, Bones, more time than most people can believe or imagine, but God willing you will get through.

I had been working with therapists for years before her death, and found validation and affirmation that I was being abused, had been abused, by her. Without that, I don't know where I'd be at this point.

((((((((((Bones)))))))))

[Bones]

It takes time, Bones, more time than most people can believe or imagine, but God willing you will get through.

I had been working with therapists for years before her death, and found validation and affirmation that I was being abused, had been abused, by her. Without that, I don't know where I'd be at this point.

((((((((((Bones)))))))))

Thanks, Stormy!

It makes me GRIND my teeth when I hear "platitudes" and denial about the "Bad Mommy".  Try telling that to other victims who were literally beaten to death.  I was watching a videotaped confession, by one of these mothers, as she calmly told police how she and her husband beat their little girl to death.  Her behavior on tape seemed to me as if she couldn't care less that her elementary school age child was dead!  Then she pleaded not guilty to the charges!!!

Bones

[Stormchild]

How awful, Bones. That poor little girl. That is what happens when everyone turns a blind eye and platitudes and denial rule... it's always the innocent who pay the price... so sad.