Today's the day

[Dazed1]

CB,

You are awesome!!!!

I know you did not get everything you wanted but, YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO FREEDOM!!!  Even the mediator agreed.

I remember reading that one of the worst things someone can do is take an N to court.  Why?  Because, I suppose, court is like the N's ultimate supply:  In court, Ns use the legal system to obtain power and control.  But not yesterday!!!!

On the whole, you've done well with your NH in court because even the mediator saw what an N he is and the mediator maneuvered her way around him by agreeing to the 40%, otherwise, he would have no incentive to sell!!  Seems like a sharp mediator.  If you didn't give NH 40%, he'd drain you and spin you for years by preventing the sale of the farm.

Also, even the mediator said "you are going to be rich when this is over simply because you are going to be free of him.".  YA!!  Sounds like the mediator has a lot of experience and she knows freedom from an N when she sees it.

Also, the alimony:  That's big!!  NH was against it, but he caved.  Wow!!  And what's bigger is that the court probably wouldn't have given you ANY alimony, so this alimony issue is a big win for you.  True, you had to give up the 40%, but if you didn't give up the 40%, NH would have jerked you around for years by preventing a sale. 

Also, by reaching an agreement now, you will save legal fees which you would have had to pay if you went to court.

So, on balance, seems you did very well.  I'm happy for you.

Make sure that the agreement which the mediator writes up truly reflects the all terms of the agreement reached in mediatation.

Also, speak to your lawyer re: consequences & penalties if NH fails to pay alimony, ie:  payments not made will be deducted from his 40% or something like that.

I agree with GS, try not to show him your emotional reactions, don't let him see you sweat because it's all supply for him.  Strong boundaries will dry up his supply and hopefully, he'll loose interest in trying to provoke you and will move on to his next unfortunate victim.

love,
dazed

[Hopalong]

CB, hon,
I read your other thread too. I am so sorry. What a grueling horrendous day.
Stake through his heart. He's over.

Just one quick thought since I'm at work but it's heartfelt:

I know the visitation is absolutely the most important thing.
You still get a chance to speak to the judge, don't you?
And aren't your children, or most of them, of an age when the law must take into consideration their preferences when awarding custody?

THE THING I WOULD WISH FOR YOU TO SAY TO A JUDGE WITH PASSION--or WRITE TO HIM IN A LETTER, YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT!--IS:

My children were raged at during a recent visit with their father. He hurt them...they came home with bruises. And he SPAT on them.

I wrote my hopeful wishes for them to see him often when I was in the first optimistic stage of praying that we could have a peaceful, kindly divorce, because at heart that is the kind of person I am. It has been SINCE he understood the marriage was truly, finally ending that the full extent of his rage and abusiveness has come out. I ask you, your honor, please speak to my children in confidence. They will tell you the truth and I need for you not to hold us all hostage to a paper I wrote in the first fragile stage of marriage counseling. It was a terrible, naive mistake on my part, and I beg you not to make my children pay for it for the rest of their lives.

It's not only that our marriage is broken, our family is broken, and subjecting the children regulalry to their father's whims and abuse and vengefulness would be a terrible mistake.

What do you think?

It ain't over until the judge signs, is it?

And you can ALWAYS return to court regarding his time with the children if you must. It's not ideal, better to get it settled up front where YOU are the full-custody parent and his visitation depends on his cooperation with time and place and the children's wishes too...but you are still their powerful mother.

Sending you so much comfort, dear CB.

You deserve it.

love,
Hops

[CB123]

ed

[CB123]

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[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((CB)))))))))))))

So much good advice here. I just want to add some love. You are doing so well.

Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Well CB, hon, you're seeing clearly.
And you're taking it one fact and one step at a time and if you've reached the legal finish line, well, you have. (And bravely bravely done.)

Okay...so karate classes and assertiveness training for your boy. Some positive male role models for him who will teach him to build his own strength and learn to think strong and fight strong. His own training to be strong, physically and psychologically, can make a great difference.

Now could be a time to get the best coach you can find to take him under his wing, or the best youth minister you can find in a church if you're comfortable there. If your boy is surrounded by support and firends and kind and respectful male adults who know what he's going through...I know he'll become a fine strong man. He'll probably be determined to be everything his father "ISN't.

Sending as usual too much advice but I hope just the right amount of love and support,
Hops

PS--rest, reward yourself as the shock waves settle. You have done an incredible job.

[Gaining Strength]

And, on top of everything, I had to get onto her.  I had talked to my therapist about what to do.  She gets incapacitated emotionally and will just quit doing anything.  It isnt a depressive disorder--but she is definitely depressed.  But her therapist told her, and mine told me, that I am doing her no favor in cutting her slack at this time.  I have to be tough with her, so she doesnt give in to the inertia.  It is so hard.  I have been a tough mama in my day--but its the last thing I feel like being right now.

CB - just a note from my own life experiences which may or may not be helpful here.  But I have struggled with inertia for a very long time.  Much of mine comes from deeply embedded, internalized voice of put downs, criticism, belittlement and more.  Acting meant being seen, being seen meant being criticized and humiliated.  Thus inertia.  It has taken me many, many years to get to understand how this works in my life and I am slowly getting to that excruciating pain buried so deep that years of psychotherapy have only now revealed.  I tell you this to encourage you in your task of pushing your daughter.  I expect she will resist but I promise you that she definitely needs that push.  BUT, don't forget that YOU have limitations.  Design a plan in your own mind about how you will push or encourage her and include in that plan your escape valves. When you don't have enough to push against her resistance, have a plan about how you will let yourself backdown and recoop until your strength is renewed.  This will save you.  If possible establish some type of road markers so you will be able to identify progress.  that will help encourage you along the way.  And remember that it is not an overnight process. 

Take care of yourself.  My heart is with you.  You are making a difference in my life.  Your strength and courge inspire me.  I have a strength and a courage that have been long lost sight of.  The childhood wounds have so crippled me as an adult.  But I am determined to move past and move forward.  And I have come to see first hand that cutting myself slack and taking care of myself and giving myself credit is THE most important part of moving on.  The tether that has me trapped is the self-loathing, self-criticism, and self-condemnation that I took on from the projected poor self-esteem of my parents.  Self-criticism is only valuable when it is not demeaning but it is more of an analysis of one's strengths and weaknesses.  Give yourself credit for your strengths and acknowledge without condemnation, your weaknesses.

My heart and prayers are with you - Gaining Strength