Hey all, Storm.
Been busy last couple of days with my son’s birthday. I’m feeling really good.
I did a lot of thinking about my friendship with B. I realized that everything you all have said is not something I haven’t said to myself.
I have also realized that me being so angry with her was a way of holding on. It’s kind of weird but when you are (angry and entitled to it) it’s good, it’s healthy but you have to acknowledge it, and let it go.
All these things I am saying is something I have said to her about her family problems. Yet I did not practice them myself. (I SEE THAT NOW). I see it from writing it, looking at my own words, thinking it and seeing what everyone else is writing. I was willing to look at it for what it was. I had gotten caught up into the crazy cycle.
I had jumped on her roller-coaster ride of the ups and downs. I always had the power to get off but didn’t want to leave my friend there. The ride was not fun and it was the same thing over and over. It hurt after awhile, I had bumps and bruises. I would say hey, let’s get off this ride is not fun anymore and it’s hurting you and me. She seemed to be annoyed or ignore my request to get off. She refuses to give up her roller coaster. I got off. I was not going back on. Yet I was angry with her for staying. .
She didn’t take a glance back or feel bad that I was on the ground looking and waiting for her to get off. I was always supposed to be there. She just kept riding. I would stand at the bottom looking at her, up then down, up then down. I would get more and more angry and feel resentment toward her for being so selfish.
Every time the coaster would come down and stop for a while. I would say are you sick of it yet? Are you tired of your bruises? Now are you getting off? I’m waiting. She would look at me with a cold stare, no emotion look straight ahead and start up that hill again just to come down. I would be still standing there. I realized she was never getting off. Only this time I walked away. I was missing out on things that I really enjoyed, really wanted to do and waited for someone who could care less if I did them as long as I was there waiting for her and did what she wanted.
. I was going to bandage my bruises and enjoy all the rest of the things that were there. It was a little uncomfortable for me to be doing it alone but I did. I felt a little guilty leaving my friend there but it was of her choice. I choose to see what else there is. I found new friends. I don't feel bumps and bruises anymore. Every now and then I think of her going up and down and I glance back to see her on that coaster but that’s all I do. I feel sad that she is still there but I walk away with no regrets knowing I had to leave.
Sometimes I glance up at her still riding that ride and notice there is always someone new hopping on that ride with her.
Thank God I got off. My bruises are starting to fade now.
I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s how it really felt. Any of you relate?
Thanks to all of you and your help.
I love this board
You are all very special people.
Love Deb.
