Difficult time

[mia]

I haven't posted for a while.  Here's a brief background of my story for those who don't know me:
I was married to a N for 7 years and had two children with him (daugher is now 9 and son is now 7) .  We divorced back in 2000.  He never remarried.  He is very emotionally and verbally abusive to the children during their visitation with them.  The division of youth and family services investigated him last year and found that he was abusing the children's pet cat.  He was basically given a slap on the wrist for this.  Since then I have been documenting everything under the sun and I do have the full support of the children's school as they hear from the children what a monster their father is.  Overall, everything is a constant battle with him.  I feel like I am dealing with the devil on a daily basis.

Two weeks a go, the children disclosed to their stepdad (my hubby) we have been married almost five years now that while dad has them on weekends he takes them to a house where "weird" things go on.  When asked to describe these "weird" things the children went on to describe that Dad's friend's girlfriend spits on her hands and rubs her hands on people.  They also went on to describe how this individual has "stripped" in front of them.  Apparently, this woman has taken her clothes off in front of the children...bra and underwear included and has touched herself and made sexually explicit noises.  When asked where the h3ll Dad was during this the children responded that Dad leaves with this woman's boyfriend and goes to drink and smoke in another buidling (rear of the house).  The children are left under the supervision of this woman on a regular basis (every other Saturday).   The children also said there were times when she would roll around naked on a yoga ball and pose for them.

My husband and I didn't even know who this person was.  We didn't have a name to go by and all my children had were first names.  Fortunately, they were able to direct us to where they lived (next town over on a main road).  We went to the police station and then went to the child advocacy center and the kids were interviewed by the county's prosecutor's office.  I was told by the proscector's office that the children's disclosures were consistent (they were interviewed separately and videotaped).  They were able to describe in detail this woman's body parts and also commented on Dad's neglect etc.  

Even with all this going on, Dad is still getting his visitation for the time being but was directed by child protective services NOT to have ANY contact with the abuser.  Well, when it was time for his dinner visit with the kids ...he took them to his home...told them to get to their room b/c they were liars.  He then picked up the phone and callled the abuser and went into the children's room and apologized to this woman as the children listened.  He told her that his kids were no good and that he didn't believe them and that he would "make it up to her".  My kids returned home to me that evening completely devestated.   I of course was beyond livid.  I phoned the police.  I phoned child protective services.  I was fit to be tied.  What kind of sick allegiance does he have to these people?  I know he was insane but to do this to his very own children was beyond belief to me.  He defended his phone call to this person and felt that there was nothing morally wrong or emotionally or mentally abusive about what he did.

I am hopeful that this is the nail in his coffin that I have been waiting for regarding having his visitation rights cut off.  I am in the process of having the courts deal with all of this mess.  

Any positive thoughts, vibes, prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry my post seems abrupt but I am sort of a basket case lately.

Thanks for reading.

Mia

[mudpuppy]

Nail his hide to the wall. 
He isn't fit to live.

mud

[debkor]

OMG!!! 

I WANT TO RIP YOUR EX HUSBANDS HEAD OFF HIS SHOULDERS.

My heart go out to and yours. 

Maybe you could give your children a cell phone that he does not know about.  You could program it so one touch of a button they could get you right away.
Maybe this would make you feel a little more comfortable and your children while they are still having visitation. 
This is horrible, you poor thing, your poor children.

THAT B*S*T**RD.  that poor excuse of a father.

Many prayers for you and your children.

Deb

[Brigid]

Mia,
I'm so sorry to hear that the situation has only gotten worse (although, if it means he loses all visitation rights, it might be for the best).

I agree with Mud that his hide should be nailed to the wall and I would add that body parts be severed--slowly and painfully.

I wish I had some useful advice for you--Deb's idea of the cell phone is good if you haven't already done that.  I know you have been through child psychs, etc., but maybe CB is right and now would be a good time to revisit that if the kids are not currently seeing someone. 

Please know I continue to keep you and your children in my prayers.  It makes my blood boil to think someone can treat their children so horribly.

Hugs and Blessings,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Mia,
I'm so sorry. This is vile.
I have no direct experience but everything the others have said makes so much sense.
I send courage, and love, and support to you and your children.

I am so glad they have you.

Hops

[daylily guest]

Mia,

This is both heartbreaking and sickening.  I pray that CPS will actually protect your children from what sounds like a dangerous and deeply unhealthy situation.

Please know that you and your children are in my thoughts.

daylily

[teartracks]

Mia,

Stay strong.  Listen to the children.  Stay focused on the situation and make good documented moves toward removing this man from your childrens's lives as soon as possible.   

tt

[Bones]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mia & Kids))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[seastorm]

Hi Mia:

The children's father is a bottom feeder and a pig.

I work as a children's counsellor and spend most of my time with children who are very traumatized. I find that it is usefull to put all your complaints in WRITING. Written submissions seem like potential litigation to overworked police and social workers. Saying that the children's safety is an issue and that you will not be responsible for their safety under these conditions and you are making them responsible can sometimes be helpful.

The cell phone idea is good. Also some kind of little cam corder.
I have found that kids need to talk about these things. I think that Dad phoning and apologizing to the offender was ghastly. This really invalidates the children's perception of reality. Get them to talk about what it was like to hear daddy say this and tell them that you absolutely believe them and trust them.
You may have a hard time having a "conversation " about this with them. If this is the case get them to draw a picture of what was the best part of visiting daddy and what was the worst. This will tell you mountains of stuff.  They can process their feelings that way. I have notices that kids can get through this kind of nightmare quite easily if they have a voice and are listened to. They heal emotionally quicker than we do if they are validated and told that it was NOT THEIR FAULT. At that age they think EVERYTHING is their fault. It is a stage of development.
You sound like an awesome protective and loving mom. Don't try to hide how you feel. This usually isn't successful anyway. Kids know exactly what is going on and if you share and talk and work through it together they start to believe that together you will handle anything that happens. This is empowering. They liearn to work through a terrible problem step by step.

I hope this helps.

Lots of love to you,  Keep writing.

Sea storm

[Sela]

Hi (((((Mia))))):

So so sorry this is happening.  Keeping you and your kids in my prayers.

Document.  Document.  Document.  And do call that lawyer.

Sending you strength and calm clarity to help you win this battle.

Sela

[moonlight52]

Mia

Your children have your protection

He is not a father he is a monster

I agree with mud 


mia and your children
((((((((((()))))))))))))

moonlight

 

[Leah]

Mia,

my love and my prayers for a barrier of protection between your beautiful innocent little children

and that person with the label of 'father' as he is not fit to be called one,

more like evil personified.

I too agree with Mud.

(((((( Mia and your little sweet children))))))

[axa]

mia

So sorry for your kids and you.  Please please be careful.


axa

[mia]

Mud,
Thanks for the support.

Deb,
Yes, my daughter does have a cell phone.  We bought it for her a little over a year a go.  Ex found out about it and confiscates it duirng her visits and returns it to her when she leaves.

CB,
Thank you for all the advice.  It is very much appreciated.

Brigid,
Thank you, friend.

Hops, daylily, tt,
Thank you for the words of support.  They are so needed right now.

bones,
My kids and I are feeling those hugs.  thanks.

Seastorm,
We looked into getting a mini tape recorder for the children to take with them but it failed us.  Do you have any suggestions as to a particular brand regarding mini cam corders that could be hidden?  We are willing to pay whatever it costs.  We want something that won't fail again and something that he's not likely to find and something that the children won't be aware of either.  I wanted to sew something into my son's winter coat.  we have been reinforcing to them that everyone believes them from the police to the school counselor to us to their uncles, etc. They are aware that Dad is the one with the problem.  we also expressed that what dad did was in many ways more vile than the actual act of the woman.  Whether or not I should have said that ...I don't know but I did.

Sela,
we have a lawyer who is working feverishly on my children's behalf.

moonlight, leah, axa,
thank you so much!

It really helped to find all the support here. It has helped strengthen me a little.  I'm not the type to cry but I have done more than my fair share over the last couple weeks and I don't like to do that b/c I want to be strong for the kids. 

Thank you all so very very much. 

[mudpuppy]

Hi Mia,

We looked into getting a mini tape recorder for the children to take with them but it failed us.  Do you have any suggestions as to a particular brand regarding mini cam corders that could be hidden?

Are you sure this is legal in your state? Don't want to give the peckerwood any ammo.

mia