Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.
I was giving a series of lectures at a university in southern Illinois. After one of the meetings, a woman came up to me and said, "I have to talk to you about my boyfriend problems." We sat down, and she began telling me her troubles. After a few moments, she made this statement: "I am now taking steps never to get hurt again." I said to her, "In other words, you are taking steps never to love again." She had thought I misunderstood, so she continued. "No, that's not what I am saying. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want pain in my life." I said, "That's right, you don't want love in your life." You see, there is no such thing as "painless love." The closer we come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain.
I would estimate that you (and around 100 percent of the population) would say you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is, how do you handle that hurt? In order to camouflage the pain, a lot of us give people what I call the "double-sign." We say to a person, "Look, I want you to come closer to me. I want to love and be loved . . . but wait a minute, I've been hurt before. No, I don't want to talk about these subjects. I don't want to hear those things." We build walls around our hearts to protect us from anyone on the outside getting in to hurt us. But that same wall which keeps people out, keeps us stuck inside. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible.
Axa,
I did not read this book. I found it on the net. I do not agree with all of it but I take what I need from it. I can make some sense to this. I think I looked for people who (I never could get true intimacy with and love became impossible.) I think I built a wall around myself like he says to protect myself from the outside cause I didn’t’ want to get hurt again. (Like when I was a kid),But the wall which kept (the boring people out the good marriages) let the so learned drama in. Like he says. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible. Like the loneliness in my childhood of not be heard. This is why I sought out more people that just made me feel more and more lonely.
I said, "That's right, you don't want love in your life." You see, there is no such thing as "painless love." The closer we come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain
So I think for me axa I didn’t want to deal with my pain for a long time and it was a lot easier for picking people to keep it on going rather then get rid of it. I had made it impossible for myself to find love. If I was going to I would have to deal with my pain and that was so hard to do.
I don’t know if it helps but I can see from this why I did some of the things I did and why I was repeating the cycle.
Do u relate to anything in this like I do?
Love Deb.
