Author Topic: stuck  (Read 2661 times)

axa

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stuck
« on: January 24, 2007, 06:38:58 AM »
I read the thread about forgiveness and this has brought up things for me which I would appreciate comment on.

Part of me knows that by forgiving XN I, in some way, free myself.  I DO NOT WANT TO FORGIVE HIM.  I think I am in extremely controlling mode these days, have not posted much.  I want him to suffer.  This is a big feeling for me right now. I am still hooked in, much to my disappointment.  I do not know where this has come from because I was doing so well and felt so free.  I realise it has somehting to do with my addiction.  I am confused, angry and looking for revenge.

I know myself well enough that I will not do anything.  But do I want some delicious revenge.  I want to see him squirming in his own mess.  Ideally I want to see him abandoned as this is what hurts him. 

I feel so used.  I can say to myself I was lucky that it was only 3.5 years, that I saw the light and got out but it just does not seem enough.  I want to project the hurt and shame in me onto him.  I know by having no contact with him will have been difficult for a while but nothing too much.  My guess is that he probably has other supply set up in any event, besides xwife. 

I found a number of his profiles on dating sites.  They have been there since 2005.  I raged when I read these and wanted to call him and tell him I knew what he was up to but I DID NOT.  Boy, was that hard.  I am conscious that I am wasting my precious time being angry with him but I am stuck in it and want out.  I want my freedom back.  I need some help and advice on this one. 

I know by thinking about him I am punishing myself.  I want to stop this.  Feeling lost right now.


axa

Stormchild

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Re: stuck
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2007, 08:43:22 AM »
this is very complex, axa. i need to use paramedic analogies because they're the closest parallel I can think of in terms of severity and complexity. Hope it doesn't gross you out, hope it helps.

you're recovering from the emotional equivalent of compound fractures and internal injuries. what is needed for one part to heal [like a blood thinner for a clot] may actually imperil another part [like bleeding elsewhere].

the best you can do, i think, is to realize that it's all pieces, but it's also all part of one thing underneath. Somehow, as the pieces heal, the whole heals too.

my suggestion: follow the pain. I don't mean revel in it, I mean - what hurts most? Why? Try to figure out what that specific pain is telling you and work there first. It's like first aid for the body, the worst injuries [that we can detect] are treated first and as they are stabilized it's possible to work on others.

The longing for revenge is perfectly human. it will pass! it will pass! but i think it may pass more quickly and permanently if it isn't spurned and shunned and shamed. accept it, sit with it, see it as a form of pain because it is - it's pain translated into anger and a desire to ACT - see what it tells you.

you will find - honest you will - that as you heal, the longing for revenge does dissipate.

but you will also find - and you will see evidence for this in the behavior of folks around you in realspace, if you know what to look for - that when you push that longing down, disown it, 'stuff' it just as we are trained to 'stuff' all of the other negative feelings abuse brings out of us - it does NOT go away. it comes back in quirky, often very destructive ways, often ways that we ourselves cannot see but anyone else within a five mile radius recognizes instantly [cringe].

you'll unaccountably hate someone, for instance, and it won't be because they're lousy rotten meanies, but because they are dealing openly with the feelings you can't face.

you'll find yourself 'setting up' whoever you want revenge on. Bad mouthing them in realspace to try to create consequences. You can end up so far down that path that only someone who has seen everything develop can tell who started as the N and who started as the target -- because your tactics against  the N will become almost a carbon copy of the Ns tactics against you.

this is the greatest danger hidden in premature forgiveness. it isn't forgiveness at all, it's just concealment. healing doesn't work this way. if you close a wound before it heals cleanly, it can fester.

journaling helps. non-dominant hand art helps enormously. write letters you will never send, and burn them safely in your fireplace, if you have one, or tear them up and drown them and when they are good and mushy, put 'em down the toidy. Shoot, just write the N's name, or draw his portrait, and mush that up and flush it down. Use symbols to relieve some of the pressure. Use safe outlets. Exercise is great, it handles all the fight-flight chemicals. Doesn't have to be much, either - stretches will do in a pinch.

but keep the internal channels of communication open within yourself. don't wall off or deny - let the light in - accept what you feel - find ways to express it or channel the energy without 'acting out' against anyone* - and it WILL heal, you WILL be transformed this way, and it will happen much faster, in many areas, than you expect.

((((((((((axa))))))))))

*legal stuff excepted of course, when we're forced we're forced.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2007, 08:51:30 AM by Stormchild »
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Gaining Strength

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Re: stuck
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2007, 10:29:37 AM »
Axa - I agree with stormchild and want to emphasize that you are still in the stage where the gaping wound is spurting blood.  The recent calm you experienced may be sort of like shock.  Put this in your cup and sip on it - try being willing to forgive even while you are longing for revenge. This is very difficult stuff.  I was reminding myself this morning that The only way I can move forward is if I am patient with myself.  When I scorn myself, I have a setback.  My heart is with you. 
your friend - Gaining Strength

axa

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Re: stuck
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2007, 12:27:56 PM »
Storm,

Thank you for your long and thoughtful post.  I am all over the place today.  I do feel like I am in pieces, small broken ones right now.  Part of me right now just wants things back the way they were..... now that is crazy because they were terrible but I am being sucked back into some fantasy.  I think I am struggling with the realisation that my "relationship with XN was nothing other than part of his plan to find an unpaid child minder and house sitter while he tramped around europe.  I know that letting in this truth is going to be my healing but it just feels so vicious right now.

XN raged that I would not live in his house.  I just knew somehow in my gut it was not the right move to make, could not understand why really but have found out now that he was surfing the net for women.  I need to trust this gut of mine.

I really do get the projective identification bit.  A woman I had come across some months ago irritated me so much I could not figure out what it was utnil I realised how passive she was.  This of course was a mirror to how I was with XN.

Thank you so much.

I find it very interesting your piece of who started as the N and who started as the target.  Yes it does ring home I need to sit with this for a while.

GS I think that I felt so much relief to be out of XNs madness that it felt like being on a high.  Coming down to earth now.  Will be okay but it is difficult and I need to be paitient.  Thank you for your thoughts and words.

Sweet CB

Been off line for a few days.  Does not do me any good to be truthful.  I am being creative having a bit of a slump but I know that I will get through this.  Applied for a job last week but did not get it so that was disappointing to say the least.  Not sure where I am going.  Have flashbacks to the fantasy of spending the rest of my days with XN.  He used to say he would never leave me, which was true but he did not say that the would try and drive me crazy in his staying.

I find it so strange that someone is so much part of your life one day and then suddenly they are gone and while I am grateful for the no contact it all is very strange also.

Love to you all,
axa

Leah

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Re: stuck
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2007, 12:44:05 PM »
Dear Axa,

Quote
I find it so strange that someone is so much part of your life one day and then suddenly they are gone and while I am grateful for the no contact it all is very strange also.
 

I felt that too, it's almost like we go into a bereavement process, it is after all 'separation and loss'. grieving over the lost relationship, with lost hopes and dreams.

If that makes any sense.

Take care of yourself Axa,

Leah
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Dazed1

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Re: stuck
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2007, 12:55:02 PM »
Axa,

There's a lot of great advice here.  Yes, sit with the pain, don't stuff it down.

Yes, you have been very badly wounded.  Most likely, your feelings will ebb and flow.  Recovery will not proceed in a straight line.  1 step forward & 2 steps back.  Up days, down days, up one minute, down the next, good weeks, bad weeks.

For me, when I have felt like taking revenge, I really start thinking about the revenge and then I realize that the person I'm most angry with is myself.  Then I start looking at myself, sitting with my pain, looking at what I did to put myself in a place where I could be subjected to pain. 

Then I become aware that I was a participant in the thing which caused my pain.  Then I feel shitty again (2 steps back), but, I start seeing how I participated in causing my pain and then I start looking for ways to change myself so that I can avoid causing myself pain in the future.

After I go through all this, my desire for revenge feels secondary and I want to focus my energy into improving me and making a better life for me.

I agree Leah, there's definately grief here, so it's a good idea to also do grief work:  realize all the dreams you must give up now that this person is gone, re-define yourself because you are no longer the N's wife, gf, etc.

((((((((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))

dazed
« Last Edit: January 30, 2007, 12:57:49 PM by Dazed1 »

seastorm

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Re: stuck
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2007, 12:59:32 PM »
Dear Axa,

Your pain is so REAL.  I know what it feels like to have your life and your dreams ripped out from under you. The shock, disbelief, rage and hurt are so huge. That is why it is good to keep posting through it all.
The searing pain is the most healing of all. No getting around it. I prefer shock myself. Numb, plodding along, enjoying tea and a newspaper.  I get those respites but they don't last.

I wish I could really help you. You sound so funny, nice, intelligent and full of heart. It just is so unfair that you got nailed by the N. Who wouldn't like to hear that it is going to be forever. And what a wicked, manipulative lie. You have a right to feel murderous anger. It is so justified in your situation. Very healthy too, even if you temporarily feel slightly criminally insane. Imagining and picturing revenge is sort of good I think. I do it. I was thinking about duct talpe and making him sit and listen to exactly how I feel so that he could experience the same helplessness and loss of personal integrity ( fear) that I felt.
I agree with Stormchild wholeheartedly. It is a process that we cant control but it is for our overall emotional survival. Parts start to heal in whatever way they do, and whenever they are ready. You provided the safe space for this. This takes enormous courage.

Lot of love to you, friend
Sea storm

towrite

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Re: stuck
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2007, 01:09:20 PM »
axa - I can really relate to your stuckness. My answer was fantasizing - fantasizing about revenge, any way I wanted it to happen. It was harmless b/c of course I didn't act it out, but it sure syphoned off a lot of my anger.

Hang in there. We stay in one stage as long as we need to. Don't fight it. Just accept the process.

Towrite.
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seastorm

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Re: stuck
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2007, 02:29:55 AM »
Axa:

Stuckness is an interesting place to be. I seem to be becalmed these days. There are some outbursts of crying and some screaming in the car. Then I just feel numb and can barely relate to people. I just want to rest and lick my wounds. This is taking soooooooo looong. Three and a half months so far and not one day that was easy going. I forget that person I was with N. I had lots of nice days then. I miss him terribly sometimes. He was not all bad.

It is hard to be alone with myself and with these strong feelings that come upon me with a will of their own. It is quite a ride.
It is hard to communicate from this limbo=like place. Thanks for talking about it.
There are better days ahead Axa.

Lots of love,
Sea storm

Debkor

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Re: stuck
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2007, 03:23:26 AM »
Revenge?  Oh ya I spent a lot of time thinking of revenge.  Wait min I also had spent a lot of time thinking about how I would make it work.  This became a full time job and the payoff was lousy either way.  I QUIT. 

No I did not forgive my ex.  He deserves no forgiveness nor would he care.
I forgive myself.

Deb

Hopalong

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Re: stuck
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2007, 09:08:54 AM »
Dear Axa (and Seastorm):

These are times when a spiritual insight can come over you. Take time with a lonely animal. Volunteer in direct contact with the poor.

Somehow you'll be sitting there amid all the activity, all the need, and you'll see, or at some muscular level you'll know, I am part of all of this, I belong in the world, I'm not alone, we're all together, my life will go forward, how I feel now is not how I will feel always, look at this child grow whether he likes it or not he is growing, and the same is true for me....

Just step into the flow, go...

With love and no fear...go...life is open, it is rich, it is so much MORE than the person you've outgrown. YOU are more.

love,
Hops
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seastorm

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Re: stuck
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2007, 02:07:54 AM »
Ahhhhh Hops,

You have a truly transcendent streak in you. Reminding us to commune with animals etc.
I HAVE been communicating with my giant, black, male MANX cat and I would go bonkers without hm. He knows when I am really sad and he sticks really close to me. He lays on my heart like a big lout and purrs so loud I can barely hear the TV. I think he is lowering my blood pressure. When it is time for bed he is really excited because it is serious cuddle time. He flies onto the bed and assumes his postion smooshed up against me. He loves this.  I have to be careful not to pet him too much because he gets so excited that he starts walking all over me.

I went to the first day of Hospice training. This was ok. I am so guarded these days. The stories were very touching and the goal of learning to really listen was good. For some reason there are several wealthy church ladies married to doctor's in the group.  I realize that I have judgements about their going to church. About them being so pampered and wealthy. And on and on. I will have to figure out why I am so snotty.

I wish I could find consolation in a church. Maybe I will give it a little try.I think I am way too outspoken, socialist and non-conformist and hope I am wrong about this.

Sea storm

moonlight52

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Re: stuck
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2007, 03:08:33 AM »
SEA AND ALL ,

I have found many ways to get unstuck.......going in my backyard to read and meditate and watch for humming birds .
Also being out in nature is a big healer for me.

The only way to unhook is to detach that is a process .........

Storm your description is wonderful of the inner world and the understanding of how to heal within.

Hops your way to walk in the world and being of true help to others lifts us out of the pain .

Combining these or giving time for both is real healing

so much love to you
moon

Leah

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Re: stuck
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2007, 07:06:06 AM »

Quote
For some reason there are several wealthy church ladies married to doctor's in the group.  I realize that I have judgements about their going to church. About them being so pampered and wealthy. And on and on. I will have to figure out why I am so snotty.

I wish I could find consolation in a church. Maybe I will give it a little try.I think I am way too outspoken, socialist and non-conformist and hope I am wrong about this.



Sea Storm,

Sounds like where I am at present, as I would love to go to a church again, but

Maybe it's because we have changed now, the new awakened person cannot accept the things that maybe we did before.

The church lady friend situation, which I have shared about here, really was a disappointment to me, yet I see that sadly, she needs a continual supply of people with a need, who are lower than her ....... for good works.

So superficial

Maybe I am in rebellion against conforming to falseness in church.

Leah (thinking some more)

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