A Shiny Red Apple.....Empathy Mask

[DivineSunshine]

A shiny red apple......all bruised, moldy, and wormy inside......

The mask of empathy.

That is how I feel about my N H.  He learned from his drama major N mother just how to turn on the charm and mock empathy so well that I really thought he was good with empathy for years!  But somehow, things just didn't feel right and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Sure he had all the other traits of Nism, perhaps even NPD, with BPD thrown in the mix for extra fun, but the empathy thing was throwing me off.

I started clue-ing in on this and now I see him putting on his show daily.  It makes me want to vomit. He is still getting away with it with everyone but me. 

Some of the things I finally got a clue from:

He is kind to animals
because they feed his Nism (esp dogs) and he looks good for doing it
...as long as it doesn't inconvenience him, or if he is mad his concern for them vanishes and to hell with them (and everyone else)

He holds, and consoles me when I cry------
because he is responsible for my tears of frustration
....but if I say anything about him causing my frustration out comes the monster
...and he likes to feed off my 'WEAKNESS"  to make him feel better and superior

He is kind to his mother-------
because he wants to leech emotionally and financially off her
....but she can't ever anger him or ask him favors or he goes into emotional meltdown, usually a tirade unleashed on me, or a suicidal breakdown

He praises his children and helps them when sick or hurt-------
because he knows that he will look bad if he doesn't and he feeds off their unconditional love for their dad
...but if they complain, ask anything, interrupt him, inconvenience him, let him down, embarrass him, are dirty, messy,  or noisy he pouts, or rages, or manipulates.  Or plays mind games with them to get praise and adulation and  insisting through fear and jugdment they live their lives for him. 

He is there for me when I am physically ill
because he has to.
....except when he thinks he can be sicker than me and I end up nursing him. 
...and when he "helps" me, he is sure to point out all my errors in the way I do things and see how much better he does my job.  Or he lasts for a bit and then ends up freaking out because my job is driving him crazy.  (forget it---I just don't bother to admit being sick anymore---it's not worth it)

It's ALL FOR SHOW!!!

He is sooo good at this stuff on the surface, that he cons most.  It takes living with him with eyes wide open for a bit to actually see it.  So to try prove it to most or seek understanding, would be pointless. Except you guys.  I have this sneaky feeling you might understand!   Being able to post here has been a life-saver for me lately!

Thanks for letting me vent....again.

Namaste,

Sunny

P.S.  I had a particularly rough month last month and broke dowm emotionally after having my teen daughter scream at me.  (the other N in the home).  He says:  "I know what you need...you just need ME!"

Yeah, um, don't quit your DAY JOB!  Einstein.   

[seastorm]

Mock empathy. that is really a good insight.  I am trying to make sense of Ns behviour because i think he is so narcissistic and yet the cat loved him and he liked the cat a lot back. However, the cat just laid on him and he didn't pet it. Sometimes I would say, "Please give the cat a pet because he is so desperate for affection".  I was talking about myself of course but did not know it.

The smoke and mirrors of Ns personality is baffling. They can turn on the charm and be so brilliantly wonderful but then there is the deadzone part of them. Very confusing. The part about the lack of empathy never dawned on me for years. I doubt if I would have been able to figure it out by myself. But living with that is so frustrating and invalidating.

Keep writing.

Sea storm

[axa]

Sunny,

What were you doing living with my XN?????

I was very aware of N behaviour from past experiences.  When I met XN I was on the look out for traits.  But he was so loving to his daughter who had been abandoned by her mother - so he could love NOT SO - She was a major source of supply, she was like his surrogate wife who did exactly as she was told.  She never challenged him and he controlled her.  When she reached 16 he told me she was too old for him!!! his 16 year old kid but she was becoming her own person and this he could not bear.

He loved animals - well they never challenged him.  He could bring them out when he wanted attendion from them walk away when he did not need them.  They never challenged and he controlled them

When he would have frustrated me to such a state that I would collapse he would hold me, tell me not to cry, he loved me, everything would be ok. This was one of his favourite routines.  he became GOD who could make everything better.  Boy did he like this one.  I was the weak one he was the strength.

XN's mother is dead but he spoke well of her until I pointed out to him that her behaviour was that of a crazy person.  I heard lots of stories about her.  Controlling overbearing, no empathy, attention seeking all the tim.

He praises his children, not for being who they are but for what they achieve.  He had no time for his son and bullied him constantly until he qualified as a lawyer.  Then he became MY SON THE LAWYER.

In the beginning he was there for me when I was physically ill this was because he was still inthe grooming stage.  I thought this was so so sweet.  When his really crazy behaviour started last year.  I got terribly ill and was afraid and called him asking him to come and look after me.  He told me he loved me but could not come because his xwife and D did not want him to come.  Truth he was getting more supply up there.

IT IS ALL FOR SHOW SUNNY.  I saw that.  XN also "loved" kids with disabilities..........well the kudos from that was substantial. It was another reason why I thought he was not an N.  He did some voluntary work with these kids.  very little if truth be told but he was able to get that information in on our first date.  Like he was this real soft hearted man.  This was all for show also.

I will never forget the tears at my daughters grave, the more people there the more tears..........what an attention seeking shit.


axa

[Stormchild]

There is a lot of false empathy and false charity. I've learned to watch for one thing as a major indication of whether someone's 'kindness' is real or not:

are they only kind to those to whom they can feel superior while being kind. [Edit in: while making sure everyone in the vicinity knows just how kind they are being!]

You have to be careful when you apply this criterion, because there are a lot of people whose true calling is to tend to the mentally disabled, to injured animals, to hospice patients - those who won't ever be equal in terms of circumstances - but you can tell the difference.

There is such a thing as the recognition of spiritual equality and stewardship. The idea that God values all, God values everyone. When this is operating, there is a respectful, dignified undertone to the interactions. When it's all for show, the undertone is always 'look at me, how much I care!'

It's actually not too hard to tell the difference, but you have to be detached to see it.

Note: this business of being kind to those to whom one can feel superior explains the Ns who took us up when we were ill, or had been laid off, etc. Their kindness depends on the other remaining in an inferior position. They stop 'loving' as one becomes stronger - because they never loved, they only used our weaker position to make them feel strong.

This also explains those who 'love' children and puppies or kittens but 'can't stand' teenagers and adult dogs or cats. Stay as far away from people like that as possible... and keep your kids and pets away from them too...

[Leah]

Sea storm wrote:

[quote]Mock empathy. that is really a good insight.  I am trying to make sense of Ns behviour because i think he is so narcissistic and yet the cat loved him and he liked the cat a lot back. However, the cat just laid on him and he didn't pet it. Sometimes I would say, "Please give the cat a pet because he is so desperate for affection".  I was talking about myself of course but did not know it. [/quote]

My N did always did that too, the cat loved him and would lay on his lap, but he would not pet it, and I would more or less say the same. 

Difference was that when the cat lay on my lap and had lots of petting, he would get funny and say "wish I was the cat!"

But N hated to be touched, withholding affection from me was his hobby.

Mindboggling.

Leah

[moonlight52]

HI GUYS
what do you get when the empathy mask is removed when a sweet 14 year old moonlet is mocked by........

I believe that the true value of any person has nothing to do with competition or what there job is .A person can be a construction worker or a lawyer.
 just be the best you can be.The trouble starts when say a lawyer thinks they are a superior person to a home builder that I do not get.
It is not what you do it is how loving of a person you are.

(quote from axa)
He praises his children, not for being who they are but for what they achieve.  He had no time for his son and bullied him constantly until he qualified as a lawyer.  Then he became MY SON THE LAWYER
IT IS ALL FOR SHOW SUNNY. 
axa


All I know at this point is what a kind relationship is and one that is not kind.
and I finally believe I do not have to be in unhealthy ones...
sunny hoping all good wishes for you

Are you sure you do not know my parent maybe they are brothers??????

MOON

[Hopalong]

No better source of supply than a panting or purring doting animal.

Nmom looks at the dog standing right beside her, wagging her tail and looking brightly eager for a pat. Nmom looks, but doesn't see, or doesn't see the emotional message the dog is sending. So she usually doesn't pat her.

I always yearned for a sister so when my cousin appeared the week before my dad died to explain she was a trained hospice volunteer I was delighted to have both her help and her company. We stayed up late and talked for hours. I felt that at long last, I would have a sisterly relationship, I was thrilled. But as the week wore on, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable. She began to take charge. She was "too interested" in his dying process. She seemed to subtly expand as his life dwindled. I began to feel she was a little buzzardly. That somehow she "needed" his death.

On the morning of his death, early, I was alone with him, holding his hand. My mother had joined me for a while and we three sat holding hands, and she prayed. She then said, he's not here any more and she went back to bed. I stayed, held his hand, played his favorite music, and was with him when he took his last breath. It was very peaceful and I was grateful to share it.

Later, my cousin awoke. I had already called the funeral home and with mom's agreement, the hearse had come and transported him. My cousin was clearly angry that I had not included her in the final intimacy of his death. She left town and I've never heard from her since, despite calling and writing her several bewildered letters. She never responded.

That, I think, would be a way NOT to be a hospice worker.   

Hops

[towrite]

Mock empathy - they know they should do something, and they know what it's supposed to look or sound like, but it's about as deep as a quarter when they deliver. My XN used to protest that she DID empathize with me during hard times - after all, why did she have her arms around me the whole time I was crying, when all she really wanted to do was jump up and leave!!  If that's not mock empathy (plus betrayal), I don't know what is.

towrite

[pennyplant]

My XN used to protest that she DID empathize with me during hard times - after all, why did she have her arms around me the whole time I was crying, when all she really wanted to do was jump up and leave!!

Wow, they really do tell us exactly what they are like.  It is up to us to believe them.  And act on it.

[Hopalong]

PP:

they really do tell us exactly what they are like.  It is up to us to believe them.


Wiser words never spoken.

Suitable for framing.
Suitable for gilding.
Suitable for carving into the bathroom sink so we read them every time we brush our teeth.

Hops