Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

how to get through?

(1/3) > >>

pandora:
hello, me again.

N leaves in a few days for an extended trip/vacation.  (OT: what do you think it means to plan an extended absence in the wake of your affair, abuse, etc., leaving your damaged marriage and spouse to cope alone?  Perhaps RUNNING AWAY? )

I have already brought up the idea of using it as a trial separation in which to consider whether we should remain married.  

I don't think he really appreciates how serious I am about this.  He is actually making efforts to be sweet.  But I am so freaked out by anything he says or does lately, that it just makes me more uncomfortable.  

Since I get very emotional when trying to talk about this with him, I thought it might be best to write a short letter to him, basically saying that I am serious about a separation, that I don't know if I can stay married to him, and that if my feelings have not changed by the time he returns (2 months) one of us should move out and we should begin thinking about the best way to end the marriage.  I am being careful not to be mean or say anything that blames him, although to be honest, he has behaved appallingly toward me.  Also, even though I am writing a letter, it mainly so my message doesn't get clouded by an overly emotional delivery - I do expect there to be face to face discussion.

Is this a good strategy?  I feel that I really have to make sure he understands how serious I am, that it would not be right to let him leave for such a long period without knowing.  At the same time, I want to wait until a few days before he leaves so he doesn't have time to do anything crazy.  

Thanks in advance for your help.

Anonymous:
"what do you think it means to plan an extended absence in the wake of your affair, abuse, etc., leaving your damaged marriage and spouse to cope alone?"

this is narcissism in a nutshell. What does it mean? To you everything & devastation. To him, nothing much happened.

Hope you feel stronger after his absence, sounds like he is draining you dry.

pandora:
yes, looking forward to his going with much relief.  

Initially I was quite upset about the trip.  Now even though I see what it says about the place I really occupy in his world, and that hurts, I am glad because it gives me time to gather my defenses, call a lawyer, etc. without interference.

Another OT - my heart goes out to anyone who had to deal with an N for a parent.  Being involved with one as an adult, with the power to recognize and decide whether to leave or stay, is painful enough.  I can't imagine how horrible it must be for a defenseless and dependent child to experience it.

Anonymous:
pandora,

Whatever you say/write to him, be sure you are ready to back it up with action. If you don't, he will learn that he can get away with quite a bit.

bunny

Anonymous:
I wouldn't tell him anything. Nothing at all. It would be a good chance for you to just start making new plans, see a lawyer, go out with friends, don't be available everytime he calls. Treat him with respect at a distance. Keep it polite but you need to keep a safe distance emotionally. You can create distance and space by not jumping to the phone when he rings.

Don't call him everytime you have the urge. Distract yourself, ring a friend. It's been said, when you have the urge to ring them, wait for 2 hours. It works. See how YOU go.

Keep seeing your therapist. I'd tell him (husband) nothing. He will just go into overdrive if you give him your strategy, and he'll look for ways to head you off and get you doubting it. He may even start being more attentive. But you'll know if it's just a ploy at this stage.

I'd call this a separation or trial seperation in your mind. Don't let him into your mind. He doesn't deserve it. That's what I'd do.

N's love to be in control. Giving him information and your strategy gives him control. Did he ever give you his? Did he tell you he was going to have the affair before he had it? No he kept it a secret and he has paid no mind to how it has hurt you. Give him nothing. He hasn't earned it. He has to earn it form here on in, in my opinion

Guest

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page