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how to get through?

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Lizbeth:
Portia, I hope you are able to use the next few months alone the best way possible, on taking care of yourself and hopefully towards getting out from under for good, into the sunshine.  I think he is giving you a great gift.  All my best wishes.

Lizbeth

lynn:
pandora,

I completely understand how you feel.  My N husband used some of the same lines in discussions.  For years and years, I was confused by his words.  So much was twisted and actions didn't match up to the words.

I know that  for lots of folks Vankin is considered to have an extreme position.  And I imagine that is true.  But when I was searching for information, some kind of logic to my life, his writings were the first that I found.  And they were a surprisingly accurate description of my husband.  I read different sources and found this board (which has been an island of reality).  In anycase, one thing that Vankin said caught my eye.  I'm definitely paraphrasing.... if you want to leave an N, the only real way is to convince the N that you absolutely have no more N-supply.  Otherwise, if the N feels that they can get anything from you, they will continue to work the situation.  If they believe there is no more N-supply they will run away fast in order to find another fix.

So, this is what I tried.  In ALL of my communication with my N I was not sad.  I was not angry.  I was not emotional.  Instead, I would say that I could not support him anymore.  I said that I had shifted in my thinking. I did not offer explaination.  I did not cry.  I was matter-of-fact.

I wanted to see what he would do.  I wanted to see if his sweetness would surface. I wanted to determine if he really is a N.  It was amazing.  His reactions were quintissential N behavior.  


and I could see him through new eyes.  More importantly, I could hear him through new ears.  When I removed my emotional involvement, he was predictable. Because my actions were different, his actions were exposed.  And FINALLY I could see the real deal.

He continues to blame me.  He has pointed out countless things about me that are wrong.  He continues to say that he does not want a divorce... and in the same breath he says, but if this is what you really want, there's nothing I can do to stop you.  He says that I am ruining his life.... and yet, he has made no attempt to do anything different.  For all of his extreme whining, he won't change a thing.  He's happy with the way he his.

This was more than I wanted to write.... I don't know if it will help, but it worked for me... it worked to make me stronger.  And my whole thing unfolded when Nhusband took and extended trip out of town.  It gave me time to catch my breath.  And get things in order.

All the best,  lynn

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