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how to get through?

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Wildflower:
I think I agree with the strategy of keeping your plans to yourself, at least for as long as YOU need the time to have quiet and figure out where you want to be.


--- Quote ---N's love to be in control. Giving him information and your strategy gives him control.
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Think of all the noise and confusion that will cloud the issue once you tell him.  Even if he gives you the silent treatment, your mind will be reeling in wondering what his/your next move will be.

I say take him out of the equation for a bit and give yourself some peace. If the idea of keeping it from him for the entire two months makes you uneasy, maybe you could a time limit for yourself and see how you feel at the end of that time.  (A variation on the strategy of waiting 2 hours after you get the urge to call him).

My penny and a half

seeker:
Hi Pandora,

I agree with the others: no letter.

However, since you mention your difficulty discussing separation, you might want to write something down to solidify your position in your own mind.  Like a mantra.  

If he comes at you with the crazy hurtful stuff again, just repeat your position over and over again.  It's called the "broken record" technique.  You repeat what you have to say over and over again so it doesn't get twisted, distorted, misdirected, etc.  It's also called sticking to your guns!

I also agree that you don't have to reveal your strategy.  I just offer this as a way to clarify your thinking amidst all the stormy emotions.  Even if it's something as simple as "I'm going to think about how I feel about this," it may help you get through the next few days.  

Anyway,good suggestions above.  Be sure to reward yourself for your independence during this time!  Peace, Seeker

Anonymous:
Absolutely seeker, plus how many times have we read the stories of guys using trial separations that were discussed and implemented with their agreement, and they break the rules during the separation. Like using at as an excuse to have another fling. My girlfriends husband did this when they had a trial separation and his excuse after was, "well we were separated at the time". No, I'd definitely ponder these things in your heart and with your therapist and your close friends only.

pandora:
Well, the topic came up anyway this morning.  

He actually brought up "where was our relationship".

I told him clearly that I still felt the same - that we should regard his long trip as a trial separation, and when he returns, if my feelings have not changed we should take steps to end the marriage.  I avoided any blame of him, and just said that perhaps we are incompatible, and that I am not strong enough to deal with his personality.  I don't think it would help much for me to confront him with the fact that our therapists think he is an N or NPD.

His response - well it looks like you have already decided, that he loves me but will not "beg".  He has said lots of things recently to me about how finding his own personal path is his top priority, and the relationship is secondary (and also seemed not to care if it was with me or someone new, since he expects to be such a better person in the end).  This morning he changed his tune slightly - saying all the self-focused work on "him" has really been a sign of how dedicated he is to our relationship he is.  Again telling me that he is working so hard on personal growth but sees no effort from me.  Why don't I quit my job, wear more sexy dresses, etc.  Everytime I try to tell him how I feel in our conversation, he says that I am making it "all about me" and my insistance on being hurt.

Then he holds my hand and tells me how important I am to him.  I always feel so confused after these conversations.  I hear what he says, but when I look at his actions -no effort to "win me back" after his affair, taking strange women out to lunch, planning an extended trip (the plans took shape right on the heels of his affair), and even though he claims to now respect my career and identity, somehow it always comes up as a sore point in our discussions.  

And I also hear what he didn't say - I'm sorry, I am committed to you, I won't stray again, I don't want our marriage to end.  

Well, the bright side is that I feel I did my moral duty by making my position clear.  Now I just have to get through the next few days.

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: pandora ---I don't think it would help much for me to confront him with the fact that our therapists think he is an N or NPD.

Why don't I quit my job, wear more sexy dresses, etc

And I also hear what he didn't say - I'm sorry, I am committed to you, I won't stray again, I don't want our marriage to end.  

If you did tell him what what the therapists think he'd probably just find some way to blame you for them coming to that conclusion. Anyway, it's really their job to tell him if they feel it's appropriate, not yours.
What you wear is hardly the point, you're a free agent,  this is just a very pathetic attempt at a guilt trip.
Very astute of you to hear what he didn't say. I hope the next couple of months are good for you, it sounds like you could benefit from the headspace.

All the best

Guest
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