Hi all,
Found this article on the Inet.
Would like to hear your response to the discussion of "Unconditional Love" .
Thanks,
Dazed
Controlling Mothers: Cutting the Apron Strings
By Greg Baer
Loving and respecting one's mother is a wonderful thing. And most of us have been grateful at some point for the advice we have received from our mothers. But, what do you do when your mother won't stop giving you advice—when her entire life seems to revolve around controlling your life?
Find the solution in my response to the woman in the following letter.
"My mother never stops giving me advice. She tells me how to clean my house, how to raise my children, what I should do on my job, how to treat my ex-husband, how to take care of my cats. The list goes on. She never quits. And then she always follows up, asking for a report about whether I did what she told me to do. I take a lot of her advice, but if I don't do what she wants, she gets mad. I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it. She calls me every day and talks forever. She treats me like I'm eight years old, and I passed eight a long time ago."
Your mother treats you like you're eight because you let her. With your behavior, you're actually inviting her to keep giving you advice, so it's little wonder she does it.
Now, if you hate it so much, why do you let it happen? Because you're still trying to earn your mother's approval. You want her to love you, and you're afraid that if you don't do what she says-and listen to every word she speaks-she won't love you. Why do you have that fear? Because she has proven thousands of times-more than that, really-that when you don't let her control you, she doesn't love you.
If you want your life to change, you have to face up to what your mother's behavior means. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any concern for what we'll get in return. It's unconditional. If I genuinely care about your happiness, I would never try to control you, and I would certainly not get disappointed or angry if you didn't do what I want.
Does your mother unconditionally love you? No, she doesn't. I know that's a hard thing to hear, but look at the evidence. She's interested in what she wants, not what you want. She gets angry at you when you don't do what she wants, which very clearly says to you, "I don't love you."
Now, in her defense, does she have some interest in your well-being? Sure-to some degree, she wants you to be happy, but every time she gets angry, she's telling you that what she wants is more important to her than what you want. She does not realize she's even doing this. She cares about you as much as she knows how, but she doesn't feel enough Real Love in her own life to be able to share any with you. She doesn't withhold her love from you. She simply can't give you what she doesn't have. She tries to control you because when you do what she wants, she feels accepted by you. She also feels a sense of power, which temporarily fills her emptiness in the absence of Real Love.
I know this is hard stuff to accept, but until you see the truth, it's not likely that you'll ever change the way you feel and behave, and that's what you really want, isn't it? When you understand that your mother isn't capable of loving you unconditionally, you can quit demanding it from her.
It will also help you a lot to realize that your frustration here is not a result of your mother's advice. It's a consequence of your expectations that she will love you. Then when she doesn't love you in the way you need-unconditionally-you're disappointed and angry. Your expectations of her love are understandable-who doesn't want their mother to love them-but they're also very unproductive.
Let's imagine that you're starving, and you come across a woman who's also starving. How smart would it be for you to demand from her the food you want? It would be ridiculous to demand from someone what they don't have, but in this case you keep demanding food from her. So who's the problem here, her or you? You are the problem, because you keep expecting from someone what they don't have. That's what you're doing with your mother. You don't realize that when you do what she wants, you're trying to control her affection for you just as much as she's trying to control you.
Again, it's understandable that you want your mother to love you, but what you really need is not HER love. You need love from anyone that has it. Real Love from any source is healing. You demand it from your mother because you unconsciously feel like she should love you-because, after all, she's your mother. But giving birth to you doesn't make her capable of unconditionally loving you. She just can't do that, which she's consistently proven for many years with her behavior.
So what can you do here? First, recognize three things: You have a profound need to be loved, she can't fill that need, and you insist that she do it anyway. When you really see that, much of your frustration will go away. How can you stay irritated at someone who can't behave differently? Then you can do something about your need to feel loved. Learn how you can find the Real Love you need. You can get it from people other than your mother, and when you have that most important ingredient to genuine happiness, you'll quit demanding it from your mother.
What can you do in the meantime, while you're learning to be loved by others? When she starts to give you advice you don't like, there are many things you can say, for example, "Mother, thanks for your advice, but I really do have that under control." If she persists, you can change the subject or tell her you have to go (you have other things to do). Or you can say, "Mom, as much as I love you, I really don't want to hear any more advice today (or hear about that particular subject)." You can stop acting like you're eight and simply tell her what you want.
As you see what's happening here, as you feel loved yourself, and as you clearly (not angrily) tell your mother what you want, your frustration will disappear-whether she changes her behavior or not. You'll see that this whole thing isn't about your mother. It's always about Real Love.
