Unconditional Love

[Leah]

Hops,

Love demonstrated and discerned by actions, rather than words - works for me too.

I find that eyes are a good measurement tool to discern genuineness.

Fortunately, I have met with and mixed with some very nice kind people in church life, and also in some workplaces too, and, on a positive note have a few good friends going back some years now.  Quality of friends is better than quantity, personally for me.

Used to be a pollyanna person, always saw the good in everyone, whereas now, I choose to be careful, wisely discerning, and, not 'casting my pearls before swine'.

and so today I struggle to believe in 'romantic' love, anyway, 'to romance'  is  'to charm, to deceive'  according to the dictionary definition!!!

Love & Hugs,

Leah

[moonlight52]

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Hops that is the most beautiful description of the warmth to be seen in "others" eyes ....

People like that you just feel the warmth just simple kindness

light and love
m

[Leah]

Characteristics of Healthier vs. Controlling Families

http://www.controllingparents.com/healthie.htm 

Interesting Table Listing.

Leah

[Overcomer]

Dazed!  I have read this so many times on my phone.  It brought new meaning to this topic when I read about asking someone for some food, when they have no food to give you.  Boy, I am not sure she has that unconditional love to give.  But you know?  Even when my kids goof up, I still love them sooooo much.  I delight in them.  My mom doesn't even like me.  She just tolerates me.  But what I want for her to do is delight in me.......just because I am a part of her.  And you would think that a mom would want their child to be successful and happy.  To watch these Ns scrap for recognition.....to squash the people they love to rise to the top.  It's amazing to me.  Thanks for this thread.

And Leah....I love both those....Serenity Prayer and the Trust verse.  I also love Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart!!  I hold onto that promise..........I know the Lord will give me the desires of my heart..................someday...................somehow!!

[gratitude28]

Hops,
It is funny you mention eyes. I remember reading in one of the posts here that Ns avoid looking people in the eyes. I think that is true.
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Here's that prayer Dazed.  I really love this.

A Prayer Attributed to St. Francis 

Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

[moonlight52]

GS,

Seems to be a prayer of gentle strength


No walls of protection are needed in living a prayer such as this one from St. Francis..

Maybe this is the way to step out of the struggle

And find peace within.....

[Dazed1]

Wow Guys,

So many responses, I can hardly keep up:

jacmac
Glad this topic helped you on something you're dealing with right now.

"When you let go of the outcome, you no longer suffer."  Yes, so true.  I believe this is zen philosophy and I so want to get there, to be zen.

Pennyplant:
You're right:  It's not too late for any of us.  Now that we have a better idea of what constitutes"unconditonal love", we can start practising it now.


GS:
"I am going to take the list of what unconditional love means and imagine my life as if I had received it.  And I am going to practice unconditional love for the people in my family even the Ns.  That doesn't mean I will let them walk all over me, I will keep my boundaries high.  I believe that the more I practice the more I will come to experience it." 

Excellent idea, GS.  Unconditional love AND boundaries sounds like the perfect combo.

Thank you for St. Francis's prayer. I'm going to print it out. As Moonie says, it's a prayer of gentle strength.



Leah:
"Whilst, he has become aware of my boundaries - he chooses to remain the same. 
It's all about the choices an individual makes as we exercise our free will.
The love I have given all through my life was unconditional, but without boundaries, this was abused.
My parents only ever gave conditional love.
The only unconditional love that I have ever received is from my child and also from God."

Oh, Leah, you are so aware and conscious.  It's wonderful!!!

If you like, you can post the original mother-daughter letter on another thread or where ever you want.

Leah, thank you so much for St. Francis' Prayer.  It is beautiful and I will print it out.  Thank you also for the Serenity Prayer.  I often say this (or mutter it) to myself.

"If You Had Controlling Parents" was the first dysfunctional N family book I read and it left me 'gobsmacked' (as the British say; they do say 'gobsmacked', don't they?).  Yeah, I think it's an excellent book.

I love your thread on 'what is unconditional love and acceptance'.

Thank you for everything, Leah

Kell:
Yeah, this thread has turned out great; it's providing a missing link for me re: unconditional love.

"But what I want for her to do is delight in me.......just because I am a part of her.  And you would think that a mom would want their child to be successful and happy."     Oh, sweetheart, it probably ain't gonna happen and that's the sad and shocking thing.

I was gobsmacked to realize that my parents only had conditonal love for me, thus, I believe I have never had, never known and/or never recognized unconditional love!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's an amazing thought.  Felt like they only loved me when I was being 'good', so being 'good' was the price to pay for their love and paying a price for love means it's conditional love. 

Lord, it's just gobsmacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So happy to hear you have unconditional love for your kids: That's probably the most important thing you can give them.

love (unconditionally),
dazed

[JayBailey]

Dazed1, Leah and everyone else....great stuff there.

A quote from the Nmom I will never forget: 'I don't believe in unconditional love'.   That wasn't the it-doesn't-exist kind of disbelief, but the it-may-exist-but-I-will-never-condone-it kind of disbelief.  (One-sided, of course, as in 'I will act cold towards you for the slightest misdemeanor, but you must put me on a pedestal and adore me no matter what I do'.)

Admitting that I would never receive that kind of love from her - and that it was still OK, that it didn't make me totally unlovable - was a valuable first step. 

[Leah]

Admitting that I would never receive that kind of love from her - and that it was still OK, that it didn't make me totally unlovable - was a valuable first step. 


Well done Jay,

Just because they are as they choose to be, does not mean that we have to be the same.

When your Nmom said that she did not believe in unconditional love, she unwittingly, she in effect released an enabling warning for you.

As for my Nmother, she said, "I won't change, I don't want to, why should I?" --- thank you mother for letting me know

Blessings,

Leah xx

[moonlight52]

Hey Guys



Unconditional love is the state of being I wish to live in .
Many people have had labels and experiences projected onto them that are disabling.
This works both ways of course I am sure I have done this .
But despite unhealthy teachings I am reaching for the best within.
For now I am building strength and finding positive qualities I can contribute in life.




Why Unconditional Love?


Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times.  It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations.  It requires practice and intent to allow this energy to fully permeate our daily experience. It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be.  In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it with everyone and everything around us!  That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure. This is the journey that changes everything. 



The journey of unconditional love.




Many people have traveled this world with different dreams, purposes and aspirations. Many are masters, teachers, inventors and followers. They were all sent by the creator of the universe to achieve one just course; “global peace and unification.” But this course cannot be achieved without unconditional love, which possesses the  power of the Divine for transformation. When the human race embraces love unconditional, then the lost will be found, the naked will be clothed, the hungry will be fed, the bombs will be destroyed and there will be peace and unity which will make us all to speak one language, “LOVE”.  Let love abide .

So much love to you 



moonlight 

[Leah]

Hi Moon,

Love your posting - wonderful!

In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it with everyone and everything around us!  That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure. This is the journey that changes everything. 

Loving ourselves, unconditionally, accepting and forgiving ourselves for any mistakes we may have made along our journey.

Letting go.

Then we can love others just the same as we love ourselves, unconditionally, with compassion.

With an awareness, and acceptance, that another may choose to not reciprocate.

Blessings to you.

Leah xx

[moonlight52]

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Bible
~I Corinthians 13:4-8~

[moonlight52]

I sent this verse to my father once in a letter

moonlight

[moonlight52]

LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS

Think of someone you really love.
Someone whose happiness you rejoice in,someone whose suffering you cannot bear .
Someone you put first ,before yourself, instinctively and without hesitation .
Perhaps your child,spouse,perhaps a parent or friend.

I think all of us have felt this way toward someone in our lives.
Now think what your life would be like -and what kind of person you would be-if you felt this way about more people,perhaps even all people.
And think what this world would be like if all of us felt this way about each other.That would be an enlightened world.

Dalai Lama