Skidz, your postings have had a deep impact on me. You know what? I want to tell you first of all how sweet you sound and what a kind heart you have. I would never think you have to worrry about the moral outcome of any child you raise. Your mother sounds like one of those monsters that come from a dark hole that sensitive people cannot fathom. I don't think it's a genetic thing, it's a nasty, mean and wicked spirit that lives in them. There is nothing you can do, never could and nothing I can do to save them.
I hear the guilt in your words, I too felt the pain of guilt. I felt guilty for not liking my mother, for knowing she was treating me wrong and I was in a kind of frozen position. I felt/feel anger at her for the pain she caused me, the pain of her rejection -- realization of the lies she told sent ripples of shame and embarassment through me. Depression comes from overly sensitive minds, or it may be that overly sensitive minds come from depression, but it sounds like these are your struggles. Love yourself and your children, have a connection with your mother if you want to, but realize she will never change and it has nothing to do with strokes, age, station in life, etc. Your instincts tell you it is dangerous to be around her. Your health is suffering very obviously. You feel guilty because she is at a helpless stage in her life and you feel it is your moral responsibility to provide for her care. So be it, but don't invest too much of yourself into it -- save that for your children and a loving spousal relationship, and most of all, save it for yourself. Be gentle, kind and loving to yourself. You are special, you are worthy, you didn't do anything wrong.