Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
loving the self-absorbed
Karin:
Expect things (and your husband) to change Pandora, as I heard the same statements when my N and I first separated. (That I was giving up and that I hadn't met him halfway etc.) I also was told that he 'wants to have a good relationship' with me and I wanted that too. However, his financial actions that followed forced me to take cover under a lawyer to protect my interests.
Now that the the legal process has taken over and he no longer has control of me his desperation has turned to a veiled anger and hatred. He's withholding money from me and accusing me of poisoning our (adult) children against him, and he's actually starting to 'punish' them too. He sent bouncing birthday cheques and blatantly lies to them.
But, to my own surprise, I'm not hurt anymore by his behaviour. I know that I did my best and that he is a 'handicapped' person. Two of the children are also at this point and the third is nearly there.
What Bunny says is spot on, it's up to you to feel sufficiently good about yourself and know that you've truely done what you can.
Being told that you're partly responsible (giving up and not meeting him halfway etc.) is his way of putting the blame on you.
My husband still blames me for everything that's gone wrong in his universe (boy, am I important!) but it was up to me to let go of my own guilt that I was somehow responsible for his behaviour.
Flo:
Probably the single worst experience I have ever had with a man lasted only 6 weeks!!! He was staying at MY apartment, but I now believe he was "sleeping with" [to be polite] probably SEVERAL different women PER DAY. This man was manic, bipolar, and I believe he was also N. A friend later asked me if I thought he was sociopathic and I read up on sociopaths, and he fit that description -- what's the difference, if any, between a sociopath and a narcissist, btw?
Anyway, his behavior changed, too, but much more gradually, subtly, and insidiously than Karin's husband's has. His was not hatred of me, noor anything aggressively or physically dangerous towards me -- but was about the most emotionally harmful of anything I have ever experienced.
I suffered hugely for six months, and was not getting over it. I wrote a poem cycle, which helped some, but still I suffered. I suspected I knew who the main woman was whom he was seeing, and subsequently found out for sure. I even confronted her publicly about it when an embarrassing event happened, which I will not go into. I was certain she was no more aware of his former relationship witih me, than I had been of his with her, which turned out to be true.
Well, anyway, I was seeing a psychiatrist this whole time, as well as a therapist. Back then, in 1998, psychiatrists were human doctors, not automatons who were expected merely to do "meds management." (What a terrible way to end up, after all that training. The poor things. I really do feel sorry for them now.) But anyway, I loved my pdoc, and he became so worried about me he gave me a two hour appointment.
I told him how much I HATED this guy. He said, "Flo, there is love, and there is hate. The two are very closely aligned. But there is also INDIFFERENCE, Flo. INDIFFERENCE. And that is what you need to find."
So I came up with this: I would treat him like a scientific object. I would "put him on a slide" and "view him under a microscope." (See, he was court-assigned to serve lunch at the mental health day drop in center where I voluntarily went, and I desperately needed to go there. But he was ignoring me completely, and this other woman was there, and they were seen together, etc etc -- and the other people there knew he and I had been "a thing," and they loved both her AND me, and didn't know what to do, and oh God it was just terrible!). So I began to OBSERVE him. I would try to figure out what about his manner, his behavior, his looks, his voice, ANYTHING that would cause me to be attracted to men such as THAT.
It became really fun!!! In only a few days, he lost his "hook" on me, and I became quite disdainful of him. I played with "him" as a slide in my mind, sneered, STUDIED, and even made a few cool remarks designed to embarrass him.
It was totally fun.
So that is how I got to be INDIFFERENT to that cassanova.
But my wounding was still a terrible thing. I could no longer trust any man; it injured my sexuality, too. Not physically -- emotionally. It was not until I met Jim that I got over my fear of having sex with a man.
Flo
Flo:
Oh, one more thing -- I don't necessarily agree that all bullies are N's. Some are just slime balls.
Now, I am not intending to put a slur on any type of disabiilty here, please understand this. I am speaking only of two INDIVIDUALS, not trying to stereotype them as an example of the way all people would be who life with their disorder. Obviously, that is NOT the case. That said:
The bully downstairs I had trouble with was really dumb. He was fat, ugly, and dumb. He also had Tourette's Syndrome, if his symptoms were what I think they were. He would make strange, loud vocal noises. He'd explain this saying he liked to watch sports on TV and was cheering his team. Not so! Absolutely different noises altogether. He'd also bang on the walls, or slam down the window when someone went by his window.
Those were not the things that bothered me!! It was his bullying that bothered me. His bullying consisted of deliberate, cruel, invasive acts towards me AND MY CAT. He'd just try to spook us, catch us off guard. None of his actions was illegal. He knew what he could get away with, and what he couldn't. He'd also call the kids in the neighborhood ugly names, and also say hateful things to the other neighbors -- just all kinds of amazingly STRANGE harrassing things he'd do. And he had a view of the beautiful back yard on three sides of his one-room apartment, so there was no way I could go ANYWHERE without him watching me. I knew he was watching me, because he could here me coming down the stairs which were right above his apartment.
And I left voluntarily. But I could not leave for years and years, due to the benefits situation I had. I finally got a Section 8 vouncher and left. But actually, by then, he had a Vouncher, too, and had moved already.
I get the feeling that he had been so repulsive, and repulsed poeple all his life that he just hated everyone, and used whatever weapons his beady little brain had to cause people who were weaker than him as much pain as possible. He was crafty.
I knew another bully one time, too -- he was a 14 year old student in a school for developmentally disabled I worked at. His situation was kinda similar to that of the man downstairs. Just mean and ugly. Both these guys were big, fat, which made them ominous and dangerous, too, b/c they were so strong.
Flo
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Flo ---such as THAT.
It became really fun!!! In only a few days, he lost his "hook" on me, and I became quite disdainful of him. I played with "him" as a slide in my mind, sneered, STUDIED, and even made a few cool remarks designed to embarrass him.
It was totally fun.
So that is how I got to be INDIFFERENT to that cassanova.
But my wounding was still a terrible thing. I could no longer trust any man; it injured my sexuality, too. Not physically -- emotionally. It was not until I met Jim that I got over my fear of having sex with a man.
Flo
--- End quote ---
That psychiatrist was good Flo, that is such a powerful lesson you shared, The power of indifference. Yes I'll be mulling on this one for quite a bit today. Hmmmm, 'Indifference'.
Hguest:
I was the poster who asked for advice on Thursday,'left because the pain was too much for me.'
Thank you everybody for your kind opinions...I am going to print them out and refer to them.THank you for understanding.It hurts that after giving so much love to someone,they can then look down on you the first time you 'fail' them.I don't know for sure how my possible N feels about me now,because he has buggered off,but this kind of reaction would be typical I feel.
Thanks so much.
PS. I am going to try (in retrospect) this scientific study idea as well!
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