Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

loving the self-absorbed

<< < (2/4) > >>

pandora:
I am glad that there has been so much great discussion here.  It is interesting that other people have had similar experiences, thank you all for sharing.

  We have our last therapy session this afternoon before N leaves, so we will see how it goes.  He has been making statements about how he wants a good relationship (something I am responsible for supplying him, no doubt - you see how cynical I have become!) and being very physically affectionate.  

FYI, I think there are several other books by Nina Brown, one of which focuses on dealing with an N parent (children of the self-absorbed) and perhaps another that focuses more on dealing with people in the work place.  Her credentials are very good (she is a professor at some Eastern university) - so I think her work is academically/scientifically sound and less "pop" psychology, if that is important to you.

Anonymous:
Do you mind if I back-pedal a bit here,to what Seeker said above,about not minding if the N paints you as the Bad Guy because you leave? I have recently 'left' my possible N because the pain was just too much for me.How do I get to the stage where I genuinely don't care whether or not he thinks badly of me for 'abandoning' him?

pandora:
Guest,

If I knew the answer to that I would be glad to tell you.  That is something I am struggling with too.  Maybe someone who has moved through this process can give some insight?

It does help me a little to talk to friends and family, who will tell me that I am NOT a bad person if I leave, that they know that I have done all I can, and that NO ONE could be held at fault for not being able to "make it work" in this situation.

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---I have recently 'left' my possible N because the pain was just too much for me. How do I get to the stage where I genuinely don't care whether or not he thinks badly of me for 'abandoning' him?
--- End quote ---


If you start a process of knowing yourself better, focusing on your own needs, thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes; you will start to become more autonomous. His opinions about your actions will diminish in importance. Then you will have your own opinion about whether or not you're bad.

bunny

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---I have recently 'left' my possible N because the pain was just too much for me. How do I get to the stage where I genuinely don't care whether or not he thinks badly of me for 'abandoning' him?
--- End quote ---


If you start a process of knowing yourself better, focusing on your own needs, thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes; you will start to become more autonomous. His opinions about your actions will diminish in importance. Then you will have your own opinion about whether or not you're bad.

bunny
--- End quote ---


I agee with bunny. And all of this takes time, because the focus often for so long has been on pleasing the other party, focusing on their needs, learning about them, their feelings, likes and dislikes, trying to accomodate them, and/or our needs as a couple. And often just plain old ignoring our own needs as an individual. Think what we would be like if we had ever botherd to get to know ourselves and please ourselves the same way we have fawned and doted and listened and met other's needs.

I think if we decide to stay in a difficult relationship, we still need to take time out to know ourselves, our own needs, thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, just as bunny said, and establish, understand and then accept our own identity, faults and all. And place these on an equal footing of importance in our relationships. Our relationships can only become healthier.

Why are we able to be made to feel the bad guy even when we know we haven't been. "Taking the blame, is our middle name."

So often the pain they complain that they feel, the cries of foul-play "You've ruined me/us", stem from them rejecting our attempts at self-preservation and self-discovery. Outsiders can't be expected to know or understand that. Family is a different matter though, I expect a bit more support from them than the girls at tennis.

The old habits can linger, even after we leave a partner physically or emotionally, of still of focusing more on the partner's or ex-partners's needs than our own. I think that produces the feeling of being the bad guy, and not wanting to feel or look like the bad guy, we can still get sucked into caring what they and others think.

Time and a shift of focus onto becoming acquainted or re-aquainted with our own needs, removes this feeling. We grow out of or away from it and eventually leave it behind. It's harder I think where joint issues are still being addressed, property settlements, children and so on. Time and distance is a great healer. That's my experience.

Hmmm, there is another thought deep down in there, but I just can't jag it. It's like a little fish nibbling on the line. I'll just let it keep nibbling and then maybe Ill jag it and reel it in.

Guest

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page