Soooooooooooo angry

[debkor]

Axa,

I don’t know if this will help you with your anger.  It helped me though.

My experience with my N friend is about a pure as it will get dealing with an N.

I believe I was the only one she showed herself to.  I still don’t know why.

She came right out told me.  I’m selfish, I will use who I have to, I will get rid of them when I’m done and serve no purpose to me any longer.
She told me she networks for new prey. 
She told me she would deny her lies till the day she dies.  She told me she’s rude, crude, and arrogant and that is just she.  She means no harm but that is how she lives.
She told me you accept her or you don’t.
 She told me she is the master of manipulation.
She looked at me crying at a funeral one time turned around looked at my kids crying and said in a soft puzzled look from her eyes into mine (like a kid trying to understand) I don’t know why I’m not crying. I don’t’ feel anything.
She told me she has no feeling for anyone if it interferes with her own.
She told me I could look right through her.
She told me that really bother her.
She told me she would get revenge.
She told me she is afraid of me.
She told me she respected me.
She told me she would hurt me.
She told me that this is how she survives.
She told me that she is entitled.
She told me the truth.
She told me she would never ever say this to any other human on this planet.
She will deny it.
I just didn’t listen very well.
When I asked why she does those things. She said cause I can they let me. It’s not my fault if they allowed me.

She showed me a true N and what they are and how they tick.
The only thing is She does not know she is an N.
She just thinks that is normal for her.
Very sad, she is so broken. 
So I do respect her for telling me those things.  In some odd sense I believe she wanted to save me from herself.  Cause she know what she does. 

Love Deb

[debkor]

Oh and there is one thing else that she said
I have known her for for a long time   and only heard this about 2 to 3 months before we ended our friendship.
She had spoken of a person that she has hurt very bad and treated poorly.  She had said that she is sad to date over this and wishes she could turn back time.  She said she never got to apologize they would not give her the chance.  She was truly sad.

She is a very outspoken person and I do not think there is anything that I don’t know about her right down from the arts and crafts she made as a kid.
That is all she would reveal.  No names, what happened, nothing.    I did not ask who it was or what she did.  If she wanted me to know she would of said so. This was out of sort’s behavior for her.

I sometimes think still who was it, what did she do, why is it that she had so much emotion I have never seen before.  Do you think it was for herself?  Do you think it was for me although it was before our ending of the friendship?  It was so weird.

Thanks
Deb

[Hopalong]

Hi Deb,
The truth is, several Ns I have been involved with have made statements like that to me, and I do believe they came from conscience. (Well, the type of conscience some higher-attuned Ns may have.) One said, in telling me how he told his father about me, "And I said Dad, I'm going to hurt her". Another said, "You don't want to be in love with me, I have a very very dark place inside." Another said, "I lie all the time."

And with each, I did feel there was some sense of honor: I have told her what I am. Meanwhile, if she's dancing around with her fingers in her ears going lalalalalalalala can't HEAR you, well, I'm not responsible for her pain. (And I still get laid! Whee!)

But you know, after a while, I realized they were responsible for their behavior, but NOT for my repeated, obsessing, addictive response to it. THAT caused me most of the pain. Like being shown fire burns and still sticking your hand in it.

I've gotten better since I've gotten bored with blaming them. Life is more productive for me when I focus on what my fears of letting go are about. That's where the nuggets are, I think.

I'm starting a class tonight at my church on Core Beliefs. Really looking forward to it!

Hops

[isittoolate]

hiya axa

I am so glad to hear that you have come out of your anger mode and are putting things together.

When someone is in a 'rage mode' I don't know what to say, because when I become angry, I would always push it down inside.

I think I wrote somewhere that I might be  bottomless pit of anger, but in the meantinme I am working on my shame-based life.

Again, good for you and how are you now?
xx
Izzy

[seastorm]

DebKor:

I found your description of your N friend amazing and helpful. thanks.
Really amazing.

Hops:

That information about the N mind is frightening and a wake up call.

Sea storm

[debkor]

Hops,

I've gotten better since I've gotten bored with blaming them. Life is more productive for me when I focus on what my fears of letting go are about. That's where the nuggets are, I think.


You are absolutely right.  Feeling is mutual.

I'm really interested  and excited for you tonight on the class you are teaching.  Let me know how it goes.
Have fun, enjoy!
Love Deb

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Deb...
I'll be a (long in the tooth) student. My UU minister is teaching it and I respect her a great deal.
She is the child of a violent person who was in a prison camp.
And, one of the most graceful, compassionate people I know.

So I'm eager to learn more from her.
We've got bad weather coming though, so I may have to wait a week!

Will keep y'all posted.

Hops

[axa]

Thank you for these posts.

XN told me, near the end, that he would never leave me but would ride me into the ground like a beach donkey.  He said

You have no idea how devious I am

I have used everybody i know

I have used xwife as a stick to beat you with

I left xwife back into my house to punish you

You think I don t know what you want and because I know does not mean I will give it to you.

I have no feelings

I dont understand what you mean when you describe your feelings

I have no empathy

I think I will never die

I think nothing bad will ever happen to me

I have bad spirits inside of me which are causing me to behave in a bad way

I know what I am doing is hurting you but I will not stop

I have read Sam V NPD and that is how I feel

I dont care about others

I do not undersatnd making love I think sex is a function like going to the toilet.

I sabotage anything which is good

........... could go on and on.  and yes HOPS I did not want to hear.  What are Core Beliefs Hops?

Deb,

About your XNfriend.  It was chilling to read the list but not unlike some of what XN told me.  What you said about respecting her for saying these things.  Well, I know that when XN would reveal something it was as if it left him off the hook to abuse me to whatever degree he choose.  They just give me the creeps.  I think if Ns stayed in this mode they would not be aproblem as we could spot them a mile away what is disgusting is the chamelion like way they sneak through life, grooming and then revealing.

I worked with some xcons at one stage and while they were a scary bunch there was something honest about them in that if I saw them walking down the street I would have known by their aggressive mode to stay away.  There was no covering up there.

About your XNFRiends emotion.  I think everything is about themselves. When XN would cry and boy could he turn on the tears it was always always about himself.  He also knew that the tears and emotion and confessional conversations would melt my heart ....MORE MANIPULATIOn

I would not waste my energy being sorry for any N.


axa

Issy,

Feeling quite good today.  Spent yesterday evening painting and I just love it.  Three friends come to my house and we paint every monday evening.  We are hoping to do some life drawing soon and trying to decided which one of us should take off her clothes and model.  All complaining about our saggy bums and wrinkles...........so all in all good.  Rage gone again

[debkor]

Axa,

When my ex friend told me all about herself.  I did not feel sorry.  I did not feel shocked.
I felt she wanted me to challenge her. I felt she wanted a competiton. My friend knew I was familiar with it.  I had traveled her road just with another host before.  She could see it in me.  She could see old wounds and maybe a tiny little hole that has not completely been closed up where maybe she could slip in.  That scared the hell out of me.  I had to go back and see where that hole was that I was unaware of but so attractive to N’s. 
I said no to her friendship or No to being her supply.  Our friendship no longer exists.

Like the verse from that old song

“I won’t dance, don’t ask me”

Love Deb.

[axa]

Well done DEb,

As my old friend A. de Mello says it is not until we have suffered enough that we stop going to the place of pain

xxxxxxxx
axa

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,
The class is called Discerning Your Core Beliefs.

IOW, you go through exercises to clarify for yourself the best way to describe/distill your spiritual beliefs.

Mine has been "I'm a very optimistic agnostic" for a long time. I'd like to refine or expand that. The class I missed was Creating Daily Spritual Practices. I want to take that one when they offer it again..

For me, theologically, The Golden Rule is enough.

Hops

[isittoolate]

axa

Lock your site eh?

[Hopalong]

Hey Izzy,
What does Axa need to do?
What does "lock your site" mean?

Thanks,
Hops the Luddite

[isittoolate]

If she locks her site, that BOOB will not be able to post the spam on it! There was a SPAM post before that of mine but the spam was removed after I said to lock the site.

I locked one of mine that was HIT.
izzy

[Hopalong]

still being thick, here...
you mean lock a web site...lock a thread? But we're still here...

you mean Axa emails from a website and in some way that means spammers follow?

I have no clue. You'd have to spell it out for me.

Maybe you're talking about a firewall?

I didn't know one website could spam another...

Oy, it's all so confusing. Glad you know what's going on anyway, Iz, thanks!

Hops