Soooooooooooo angry

[axa]

Guys,

Dont know where this is coming from but I am raging.  I am so angry that that POS used me and lied and cheated on me.  I have been doing so well but now I am raging.  It is so not good enough.  I want to contact him and let him know that I know about his dating sites, I know about his games I know everything about him, which of course I dont, and what good will that do me.  I feel so abandoned and lost and so sad.

I dont know where all of this is coming from.  I think what is making me so mad is that I feel so used and cast aside like I am nothing. 

I dont know what to do.

axa

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - your rage is an important part of the healing process.  Rage and feel that rage, make notes about the thoughts, memories and understandings that come with your rage but then use every bit of your strength to resist acting on it.  Think the thoughts but do not act.  After the rage has passed, you will be able to begin part of the healing that actually feals good and it will come soon.

your friend - Gaining Strength

Just read CB's post - writing is an excellent act.  Go ahead and write and feel free to be vitriolic.  That will really help release much. 

[axa]

CB & GS

You guys always come up trumps for me.  Thank you very very much.  Went outside for a while and released some of my anger.  I wish I could sever the connection with him.  I do feel as if I have been invaded by some sort of virus.  Its nearly 2 months since we had contact.  Got another email from a friend abroad who was all jolly saying how she met him and did I get a job yet.......nothing about the fact that we have split up.  He is such a shit (sorry but I want to use really foul language).  His inability to be honest is extraordinary.

He is due back in the country this week or next week and I think this is what is unnerving me.  The only good thing is that I am off to India for a few weeks so that should get me over his time here.  With a bit of luck he will be gone again by the time I come back. 

The crazy bit is that while i am so angry with him, know that he is NPD, there is some part of me connected with him, like I feel sorry for him......... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT.  He used me, messed me over, set me up and got what he wanted and I feel sorry for him.  Please give me some feedback on this crazy feeling.  I think this is the hook all the time that I get stuck on, feeling sorry for others, compassionate with others rather than myself.

Feelinng slightly calmer,

axa

[Gaining Strength]

Two weeks ago I was with my father and I started to feel sorry for him and IMMEDIATELY  I stopped myself.  "NO.  Don't feel sorry for him.  It has never served you well and it doesn't do anything good for him either.  It only causes me pain so stop right now."  And it was gone.  I just don't allow it.  Remind myself immediately how feeling sorry for him has cost me in the past and done nothing beneficial for him - other than give him a hook into me to belittle, put down, squash, etc. etc.

If you can- just stop that feeling immediately. Switch your mindset.  If you can't then just start practicing until you can. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Dazed1]

Hi Axa & GS,

Feeling "sorry" for others, especially Ns, can be a sign of codependency.
It's OK to empathize, but we do not want to loose ourselves by feeling their pain. 

Axa, your guy was a shit.  You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LUCKY to be rid of him.

Yes, he did screw you over, but, you are no longer the person you were:  You are aware now, you have a voice.  How about feeling sorry for that person you WERE?  She was kinda clueless (as we all were prior to realzing our voicelessness), but now, you are a new person and you are getting better every day.

The voiceless person you used to be (when you were together with him) is not who you are today.

"Got another email from a friend abroad who was all jolly saying how she met him and did I get a job yet.......nothing about the fact that we have split up."   Axa, what's the deal with this "friend"? doesn't she know you broke up and that he's a shit?

Great to hear about India.  Please report back because I would love to go there one day.

love,
dazed

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,
Glad you got some of that anger out. (How's the poor tree?)
It's pretty soon yet for you to be indifferent, you know.
Don't beat yourself up for a little bit of pity.
JUST STICK TO NO CONTACT!

I remember when my Nbf wounds were still healing I felt that too at times. I think it was:
1) leftover loooooooove, before I completely shook off the romance virus
2) real pity, since once the reality sinks all the way, there's horror at a real mental illness

You know this person will never, ever be capable of authentic intimacy, sacrifice and joy.
That IS sad.

BUT STICK TO NO CONTACT!

I am so glad you're getting away. Have you been to India before?
What attracts you there?

love,
Hops

[Overcomer]

Axa:  My xnh left me for another woman.  I had a three month old baby......our second.  He actually took my 4 year old and the baby over to the new woman's house and said to my 4 year old....."meet your new mommy...."  Well, my 19 year old (now-used to be the 4 year old) won't have anything to do with her dad.  She remembers the shit he pulled!!  Oh, I was angry, too.  Only good thing that happened was I lost 30 pounds in one month,,,,,

And get this.....a friend of mines h left her after 25 years of marriage.  Several grown kids.  He left for another woman.  Anyway, rumor has it he was planning on going back with wife (after putting her and the kids through hell - the wife is really skinny now, too.....)  Well they found him laying in a pool of blood in his driveway.  He had been hit on the head with a brick.  47 years old.  Dead.  Wonder if the other woman got enraged??  Or if it was an accident?  All I know is, you reap what you sow!!  And sometimes you REALLY get it!!

[maitri]

First post here - here goes nothing! Sorry to jump in mid thread but this message and your repeated line of STICK TO NO CONTACT really resonated with me.

I found this site while I was casting about on the net, feeling low about recently being cornered by situations outside of my control, into bursting the big bubble of denial that I'd been living in ("sure my father is a HUGE narcicist but he's not really HURTING anyone, he's just a bit eccentric... it's fine! We're all fine!")

Someday when I have more energy I'll detail the whole ugly thing, but long story short, I decided I needed to cut him out of my life in September, and just this month I have started wondering if perhaps I was hasty, perhaps I should try to make an effort to reconnect.. despite him never apologising, never seeking reconciliation, even despite him cutting off as 'traitors' other family members who simply said, "we want you in our lives but we don't want to listen to you talk about this one particular topic - let's agree to drop it".

Argh - this is all coming out muddled. With no backstory, I'm sure it makes no sense at all. But thank you, hopalong, because what I really needed to read right at this moment was the advice you gave to axa. STICK TO NO CONTACT. The person I'm yearning to connect to isn't my father as he really is - it's my father as I wish he was.

Contacting my actual father to quiet my yearnings for that "fantasy father" would just lead to more suffering for everyone.

[Hopalong]

Wow, Maitri.
That's a powerful start!

I think you deserve good kind fatherly men in your life.

I'm glad you've come here.

I'll look forward to your story, as much as you feel like telling, bits at a time are welcome.

As you are.

Hopalong

[seastorm]

Dear Axa,

I am glad to hear you are raging at the injustices, lies and betrayal. Afterall, it has only been two months. The anger part is scary and comes out at the oddest times. I remember you were feeling bored, I guess it was the calm before the storm.

You loved your N with good intentions and with lots of hope in your heart. You practiced devotion and commitment to him and your relationship. Suddenly, it ended.
This is post traumatic shock that we are talking about. You sound like a very resilient person given the circumstances. Each wave of feeling is getting you closer to breaking his spell.

I know how hard it is to stop loving. It is in one's very molecules and muscles and synapses in the brain. You cant beat it out of yourself.  Just really really love yourself and have compassion for those big big feelings that come over you.
Do not contact your X.  Write constantly if you have to. This is so hard to do. Don't contact. Let people who care cradle you through this separation. He is bound to put you through the spin cycle if you contact him. One way or another.

Going to India?  India WAS lovely, wasn't it?  Love the RAJ and all that. Keep the connection here.

your friend
Sea storm

[axa]

You guys are the light in my life right now.

About our mutual friend from abroad who emailed me.  NO she did not know it was over.  She is shocked.  She got the impression that I was at home looking for work but he gave no indication that there was any problems with us.  This is what he does, tells a little of the truth but not the whole story.  I think that he knows that I was well regarded by the people we met when we lived aborad and also that they are a bit wary of him so it does not make him look so good if they know I have taken flight.  Maybe somewhere in his crazy head he thinks I am going to be back there with him someday. NOT>

Sitll sticking to the No Contact Rule

I have dropped about 30 pounds also.........silver lining and all that!  Everyone tells me I am looking great.

About India.  For some reason it was my dream for a long time.  I saw a film once called Monsoon Wedding and the colour was just so magnificiant I decided some day I will go there.  Well I am making it a reality.  XN and I talked about going there but always ended up going to where he wanted to go.

DAzed I think you are right there is an element of co dependancy here, need to work on this.  You are right I am so lucky to be rid of hiim and need to remember this. 

thank you all,

axa

[Leah]

 
Tells a little of the truth but not the whole story

Tells what you need to know

Tells what he/she wants you to know

Tells what he/she decides you will know


All according to the rule book of N's   

Leah

[axa]

Leah

Could not have put it better myself.  I often looked to see the lies but would become confused because sometimes I would find out what he said was true but still had doubts........... of course because I was not getting the full story.

thanks,

axa

[Hopalong]

Axa,
I loved Monsoon Wedding! And oh YES to the colors!
So glad you're fulfilling this dream of yours.
I had a friend who lived there...she sent the most amazing descriptions.
India takes over, I hear.

How did your dinner party go??

Hops

[axa]

Hops,

Dinner party was great, 11 people, lots of candles, made a wonderful moroccan beef stew with honey and dates, couscous, parship yougurt and honey salad.......... lots of really good conversation, wine, and even a little dancing at four in the morning.  Met some nice new people also which was an adventure.

I read the most wonderful books last year by an Indian author.  I cannot remember his name something like Minstry R???? or something like that will check it out and let you know. 

xxaxa