alcoholic friend attacks

[seastorm]

I just had the most horrible phone call from someone I thought was a friend. She knows that I am off on stress leave and have trouble walking because of arthritus. She told me that people shun me because I am such a loser and I have loser vibes and that I should stop hiding behind the lable of depression. She said that I should lose 50 pounds and get off my ass and get back to work.
She accused me of screening my calls and withdrawing from life. She thought that i was playing games with her and not picking up the phone. In fact, I was out of town at my sister's for three days and i don't get to the phone because if I leave it downstairs, I can't hobble down there fast enough.

She said that I was undependable because i did not show up at meeting at a coffee shop where several women from where i work were going to be. I dont want to face them and felt that I would cry if questioned about my life and where I have been. She said that when she told the group that I was going to drive her three hours to her plane, someone said, "well, you had better have a back up" and they rolled their eyes. I don't really even know those women. Why would anyone make a judgement like that about me? I picked this friend up and it was an hour and a half drive. I was right on time.  i asked her who said that she needed a backup and she said that she didn't want to say.

Then she said to me, "I am your friend and I have stuck up for you with those people but you have to help yourself and stop being such a loser. You are living in your own little world and you have withdrawn and you need to snap out of it.

Yesterday I went for a debriefing of my psychological tests. The psychologist said that I have post traumatic stress and that this is treatable. I will need several weeks of therapy and make some lifestyle changes etc. She said that I was depressed before the traumatic incidents with N but that set me back. She thought I was resilient and that instead of working in the elementary schools, I should look at teaching at the college level. This was after several hours of testing and assessment because the insurance provider requires it.

I sound defensive there. This attack really blew me out of the water. I feel very vulnerable for the last three months. I thought about this and I thought that she is probably an N. There is lots of evidence. i also am reminded of my exN telling me that I am insane and pyschotic and god knows what else. He would do this with very little provocation.  I felt the same spacey, dissociative feeling in my body and I kept silent.  i just said that I had had enough of a tongue lashing and I was going now. She became enraged and said, "Dont you DARE turn this around and make this about me. You are manipulative  and you need to smarten up.

I have not seen this woman for one and a half years. I picked her up at the airport. I did not come for coffee with her and her seven friends. She was incensed that I did not call  her and cancel. I think this is legitimate ie to call back  but the overkill is really strange.

I have been concerned that she is becoming a serious alcoholic. She is an elegant and intelligent woman with a great ammount of pride and dignity. She has had many inexplicable falls in the last year and when I have spoken to her on the phone in the evening she is usually plastered. I realize that I can't have alcoholics in my life anymore. It is too damaging.
yesterday she said that I should not go back to work because I can hardly walk and I am clinically depressed. Today I am a lazy, fat person who everyone is shunning. Luckily I have not been socialzing so I haven't been aware of the shunning.

I am pretty stunned by this attack. It hurts. I am not sure that she is an alcoholic. I just think her erratic behaviour and the uber self righteious tone in her voice sounds like an alcoholic. I hate that wondering part of being involoved with a heavy drinker.

Funny, I have felt really on edge all day as if the boom was going to fall. It just did.

Any Comments? I hope so.

Sea storm

I was speechless.

[moonlight52]

((((((((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think she was hurting  and totally projected her feelings onto you.

sorry this has happened . I think some people  want to help and others use situations to make themselves feel better by hurting others.

I have had stink bombs thrown at me too.

STINKS !!!!!!!HUH!!!!!!

I hope you can see she is hurting and try not to take it in and let this hurt you.

love to you

moon

[seastorm]

Thank you Moon,

I think she is hurting too. However, that is the trap that I usually fall into.  I gave her lots of opportunity to open up. I said that I really cared about her and that I don't want to fight.  I actually called her back an hour later to see if we could work this out. She was much worse the second time around.

Stink bomb is a good word for this. Right now I don't feel strong enough to handle the onslaught.  I always think there is a grain of truth in these sorts of tongue lashings. But i am sick of being tolerant of cruelty.

I wish I didn't take things so personally.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry.
I do not think she deserves your friendship or one drop of your petrol.

She is abusive.
She used namecalling.
If she was angry about you not RSVPing for the coffee klatch she could've said, "I felt angry when you didn't come to the coffee klatsch. OR, I feel angry when you don't follow through with things."

"Loser" "fat" etc...and worse, was inexcusable.

For me, there would be no further friendship.

I have been badly hurt with verbal assaults like that and sometimes there were nuggets of truth in someone's diatribe. However, the bottom line was, if someone is going to tell me any painful truths about myself, including accurate guesses and totally unfair/wrong guesses, they had better do it with compassion or I'm outta there. NO name calling. I lived through enough years of that in childhood and I absolutely will not sit still for it now.

I'm pissed off on your behalf, Storm. I know it hurt but I hope you bounce back fast.

I'm even TYPING hard! I'm so sorry this happened.

I'm counting on you to turn it to something you take strength from.

DON'T YOU LET HER WIN. (But I hope you never speak to her again, personally.)

Grrrrrrr,
Hops

[moonlight52]

AWWWWWWWWWWWW ((((((((((((((((((SEA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

THAT IS WHAT US SENITIVE PEOPLE DO BEST .

But on the flip side we do the caring and love so well .

You tried to make stuff better and your friend wanted to make it stink some more it's OK.

People can hurt us as much as we let them also sometimes it's hard just to shrug things off .

right when you think  have everthing figured out........... bam

I think her feelings are hers just let your" Poly Carbonate invisible Shield " protect you and let all that meanness bounce off .

sea it does not stick.....

love and hugs to you

sea do not let others define you  

you are super

xoxo
moon






YEAH DITTO WHAT HOPS SAID

[seastorm]

Thanks Hops and Moon,

I am gathering strength from your support. I am finished with that friend unless she has some kind of change of heart. This is very unlikely.

I think she is a good teacher for me.  Lkie Mother Nature testing me and saying, "OK what have you learned about abuse that is directed toward you?"

!) Dont bother to go on the defensive or the offensive
2) Dont believe every mean thing that is said to you. Most of it is projection
3) Accept that I make mistakes and own up to them with grace
4) I don't have to have everyone love me or even like me
5) I can be alone and survive
6) Opt out of the game if it is nasty

Sea storm

[Gaining Strength]

Sea - I agree with what everyone else has said.  She unloaded on you because she knew you were down and vulnerable and that made you a perfect target.  Have pity on her - that will help reflect the detrius back to her.  It is her garbage and she will need to deal with it just as we all must deal with our own in order to grow.

What a remarkably kind gesterure for you to plan to drive her such a distance to catch a plane.  you are a true friend.  What ever it is in her that is hurting so desparately that she lashed out at you will have to be her issue to deal with.  That is so clearly and sadly projection.  My heart aches for her but I am still setting up a mirrored barrier that causes her vitriol to bounce right back to her where it belongs. 

I suggest that you do a cleansing - as though the stuff she sprewed on you were physical rather than verbal.  Just imagine yourself washing it off.  Print out what you have posted here and sentence by sentence destroy it with sorrow that she is so sick.  Use compassion for her as you do and you will find that not only does it not infect you with its darkness but you will end up with compassion for yourself and her and you will feel much better about yourself - assured that none of the sickness got attached or stuck on you.  And then - compassion or not - definitely cut yourself off from reaching out - at least until you are much stronger.

I experienced so much of that kind of stuff and did not have enough vision to realize that it did not belong to me.  I want you to take it all off of you and be free but be free with kindness and compassion (and complete severence.)

your friend - gaining strength

[Overcomer]

My take on this is that your friend is no friend.  Friends confront with tact and diplomacy................never name call.  But in some ways I would rather have someone unload on me than to be a victim of innuendo, sarcasm, self-esteem crushing comments, etc.   It almost reminds me of the scene in "Muriel's Wedding" where the bitchy crowd tells Muriel she is not up to their level.   They are so mean to her.  I think women can be vicious.  Sometimes I wonder if someone like your "friend" watch too many soap operas.  The Tracy Quartermaine's of the world make it look ok to verbally assault one another.  Sometimes I play those scenes out in my mind - a confrontation between me and my nmom!!!  Would love that!!  But if your friend is truly an alcoholic and was under the influence, she could've said anything!

[mudpuppy]

sea,

when I have spoken to her on the phone in the evening she is usually plastered......... I am not sure that she is an alcoholic.

I'd say the first statement is a pretty good clue toward the last one.

This seems pretty simple. She's got problems and she is projecting them onto you, and she is using your self admitted difficulties to browbeat rather than help you.
Not much of a friend. And by the way you should not take anything she says to be truthful. She may very well have been the one who said she would need a backup, assuming anyone did. She may also have been the one leading or causing the shunning assuming it exists.

I've come to the conclusion it is a blessing to be shunned by people of this ilk. The alternative is having to deal with them and their problems. Who needs it?

mud

[pennyplant]

Sea,

I haven't read the responses so may repeat some things.  This woman is toxic to you and you do not need her in your life.  She is projecting and being needlessly cruel.  She has no compassion.  The alcoholism may be behind it or may be increasing characteristics that she already had in her.

Your therapist on the other hand says things to you and about you that make far more sense.  There is plenty of hope for your healing.  This woman will only give you more to have to heal from.

It is not at all unusual to suddenly find that people you used to like are really Ns.  You have started to heal already and can now see things about the people in your life that you just couldn't see before.

But as I read her words to you, and the tone, I felt up in arms.  You did nothing to deserve that!  You may not have been screening your calls before, but maybe you should now!!!  She has given you plenty of reason to do so.  You will find other people who care and can be kind to you.  It made me angry just to read how she treated you and it has nothing to do with me.  But it made me angry nevertheless.  She is no friend.

That was just so wrong what she did to you.  I hope she stays out of your life.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Mega-dittos to every single thing PP says. GRRRR.

One twiddle: I hope you MAKE her stay out of your life by enforcing total boundaries!

(I don't give a rat's poop whether she wants in or out.)

Caller ID! Block Sender! BUG OFF! (her...)

Hops

[debkor]

Projection?


She told me that people shun me because I am such a loser and I have loser vibes and that I should stop hiding behind the lable of depression. She said that I should lose 50 pounds and get off my ass and get back to work.P

I am telling myself I am such a loser and I have loser vibes cause I hide behind my booze. I should get off my ass go to AA. 


She accused me of screening my calls and withdrawing from life. She thought that i was playing games with her and not picking up the phone

I am calling and sea is screening her calls so she doesn’t have to talk to me.  I am mad that she may be withdrawing from my life. Maybe she’s on to me slurring my words.  I will have to play games. 

LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

She said that I was undependable because i did not show up at meeting at a coffee shop where several women from where i work were going to be. I dont want to face them and felt that I would cry if questioned about my life and where I have been.

I am so mad.  I depended on sea showing up so we could question her about her life so she would cry in front of fellow co-workers.  That put a damper on my gossip. God, maybe now they will turn to me and question me. 

She said that when she told the group that I was going to drive her three hours to her plane, someone said, "well, you had better have a back up" and they rolled their eyes. I don't really even know those women. Why would anyone make a judgement like that about me?

I had my little group that I was so able to manipulate.  I so trained them.  Ah, gossipy, weak people are so easy prey.  I had the play and actors just ready to start performing and the Star didn’t show up.
So they made a judgment!  Fools, I love it the fool’s giggles to self look at them.  They buy my shit lock, stock and barrel.  Just pisses me off that sea is too smart for my crap anymore. Shit! She is unmasking me.  She is seeing the real me.   

I picked this friend up and it was an hour and a half drive. I was right on time.  i asked her who said that she needed a backup and she said that she didn't want to say.

God, she made me a liar. Now they will know I am a liar and manipulative.  I’m not going to say who said I needed backup.  Cause it was really I.  I needed backup from the weak, gossipy people to go along with my shit. 

Then she said to me, "I am your friend and I have stuck up for you with those people but you have to help yourself and stop being such a loser. You are living in your own little world and you have withdrawn and you need to snap out of it.

Thinks think quickly to self.   I am your friend and I have stuck up for you with those people (but not really has to think of something quick to self, hurry need a real fast manipulation to put into progress) Sea is questioning the bull is up now.  I have to stop being such a loser and living in my own little world.  I am withdrawn from my own problems and I focus on others.  I really should snap out of it.  I never expected Sea to be on to me.  Hopefully, this manipulation worked.



I have been concerned that she is becoming a serious alcoholic. She is an elegant and intelligent woman with a great ammount of pride and dignity. She has had many inexplicable falls in the last year and when I have spoken to her on the phone in the evening she is usually plastered. I realize that I can't have alcoholics in my life anymore. It is too damaging.
yesterday she said that I should not go back to work because I can hardly walk and I am clinically depressed. Today I am a lazy, fat person who everyone is shunning. Luckily I have not been socialzing so I haven't been aware of the shunning

Sea is beginning to see my contradictions my behavior.  She has unmasked me.  She she’s me inside.  I don’t like that. 
Now that she is getting healthy she is removing unhealthy people from her life.
I am one of them.  There goes my supply. But I still have the rest of the co-workers.

Just my thoughts.

deb

[seastorm]

Wow  Thanks for the support. Boy the cavalry arrived when i needed it.
I woke up this morning and felt pretty hopeless.  But why even bother to try to crush me?
All your replies are there and I will go over and over them.
Deb - Your insights were right on. I am slipping away from my friend and she knows it. I don't drink so she can't really hang out with me. This is a really gossipy group and this gives me a chill. I don't like gossip.

Hops : Thanks for your passionate friendship. What a blessing for me. Your words sing like bells. So clear.

Pennyplant:  I need all the words you can muster when something like this happens. I am struggling to rebuild my self esteem and it will take time. You are so right

Mudpuppy:  You have this nice blunt way of saying things that inspires confidence.  Yes, I thing that it was my friend who said that she needed a backup. God that is so slimy.
Whatever was going on she was probably leading it. That is her style. She takes command. Thanks for your reply

Kell: Yeah, it is like Muriel's Wedding. I felt just like she did when I heard the criticism. And it was given so offhandedly and angrily. I need to get rid of peole like that and now I know what they are doing. Thanks

CB123: Thanks for the insights about alcoholism and your support. I got depressed in my overloaded workplace working with sexually abused and beaten children. I got really burned out after seven years of it.  There was zero support at work and then I came home to my N partner. Finally, I broke down and got seriously depressed.  Then N had affair and left. It has been a tough year for me. And an interesting one. I have learned a lot. It seems like all the things I relied on as a foundation for my life slipped away: Work, Partner, Home.
In my heart I knew that they had to go. I think God has arranged this so that I did not spend the rest of my life in such an untenable situation.  But I just haven't  rebuilt yet. I have made contact with a few friends and I am starting to do things. If I hadn't I would have continued to deteriorate. I am sort of dragging myself up the muddy bank after near drowning.

Moonlight:  Yes, she is hurting. She is afraid to go back to where she lives. She is very alone there and she is falling into the bottle.  Also she has had several serious falls. No one is connecting this with alcohol but I wonder about this. No one confronts her but I was coming close to telling her. Maybe she could sense this. I told her I didn't want to drink with her anymore as it just makes me feel lousy. There is no one more boring to a heavy drinker than someone who doesn't drink.

Gaining strength

yes, the psych test was very validating. I was pretty worried about being assessed but it turned out I am a very resilient person with a high IQ. I am much smarter than I thought I was. but I have some learning disabilities.  it was good to find this out. Organization is not my best thing. Math is out.
By the way the friend is a psychologiist but she is not working as one anymore. She should know better than to give feedback so maliciously

thank you all

lovr

sea

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))

I am going through this shit (and it is total hogwash) with a neighbor too. Our kids are friends. She was all into being my friend... and still is when she's made such an ass of herself that no one else wants to be with her. Because of my previous drinking, I feel some need to "be there" for her. But I have really started distancing myself. She has been cruel to me in every way (about my body, the way I dress, about how she thinks my house is cluttered and smells like Henry... I could go on). She is nasty and cruel.

Sea, whatever she said to you is just a drunk's projection of her angriness with herself. I would bet that she feels like a loser, and thus calls you that. And so on. I am sure you could pick out the parts of the conversation that are really about her.

I'll tell you what, I'd rather be on the receiveing end of crap from a sick alcoholic than to be one again. But I would suggest that this is a friendship you should terminate. With friends like that... who needs enemies???

Lots of love, Sea,
Beth

[seastorm]

Thanks Gratitude28

I find that although i understand intellectually what happened, I still feel very hurt and shamed by her attack. I believe some of it. I do feel shunned at work and with those people I worked with. I did not fit in.  I am so spaced out these days that i don't care to try to be right on the ball or any of that. That is the insidious qualtity of attacks by people who know you.
I am basically sick to death of people who aren't nice to me. Fuck em.
It came at a time when I am particularly low. I mean hanging on by my fingernails.

Your kind reply really helps.  Thanks so much.

Love,
Sea storm