Imposter Syndrome

[Wildflower]

Hi Christy,

In the "Energy Vampires and confidence zappers - was Daughter's Day!" thread, you made the following comment that I thought might make an interesting topic for a new thread:

On another forum a person made a connection between the imposter syndrome, feeling invisible, and caretaking our parents which I found to be super helpful. She said she believed it ties back to being expected to do things as children we were never taught to do. In her case at age 8 she had to cook for her four siblings (she had to stand on a step stool to reach the top of the stove). Meanwhile her mother would be zonked out on the couch. Her mother never taught her how to cook but she got in big trouble if she messed up the cooking

.

I’ve never heard of this, so I did a little poking around and it’s really interesting.  Every job I’ve ever had, my bosses actually get frustrated with me for not being more confident – in spite of constant positive feedback and promotions and such.  I found one site that describes the syndrome, but I was wondering if you knew of others?

http://www.counseling.caltech.edu/articles/The%20Imposter%20Syndrome.htm

What I found most interesting in this article was that there’s a disconnect between reality and the feelings of the sufferer so that no matter how successful they are, they just can’t accept it.  The article goes on to make a link between the condition and family environments:

Certain family situations and dynamics tend to contribute to imposter feelings: when the success and career aspirations conflicts with the family expectations of the gender, race, religion, or age of the person, families who impose unrealistic standards, families who are very critical, and families who are ridden with conflict and anger.
 
Some researchers identify two main types of family dynamics that can contribute to imposter feelings, although there may be others.

Family Labels:  Different children in a family may be identified or labeled differently.  For example, some families have one “intelligent” child and one “sensitive” child.  While growing up, many times families will not change their perception of each child, no matter what that child does.  Therefore, the sensitive child, even if she gets better grades or more awards may not be recognized for her intelligence.  This can lead to doubting her intelligence and believing the family is correct even with evidence, which contradicts these labels.
 
Family messages of superiority: Other families can give their child full support to the point where the family and girl believe that she is superior or perfect.  As the girl grows up and encounters challenging tasks, she may begin to doubt her parent’s perceptions and may also need to hide her difficulties in order not to disturb the family image of her.  As a result of these normal difficulties, this girl may come to believe that she is only average and even below average.  

I found this last sentence very intriguing, and maybe a little confusing, because I’ve found that the more I’m able to think of myself as ‘just average’, the more comfortable I feel.

Does this resonate with anyone else?
Wildflower

[RedRose]

"Does this resonate with anyone else?"

Yes.  And I believe that it happens in "normal" families, too.  Human nature.  Now, we posting here, and working to overcome and to understand family dynamics so we can hopefully do better for future generations, realize that labeling our children without being able to change our perceptions of them will most likely be detrimental to their future mental and physical stability.

In a way, this past of ours has helped us to become more sensitive to these things.

This is something I try to constantly keep in my mind when raising my kids.

[seeker]

Dear Wildflower & all,

Thank you for this post!  Does it ever resonate with me!

Invisible? Yes.  Family labels? And how.

My teachers were stumped at how little confidence I had even though I had excellent grades.  I also had a coach who took a picture of me while competing in my event to prove to me what I was capable of doing.  He was so frustrated with my attitude of "who, me?"  I also find it esp. difficult to hear compliments or be singled out in front of a group.  I'm almost phobic about it because in my family, if you are getting attention it usually is not to make you feel good   .  

When my father got this feedback about me from the teachers, he would sort of look at me like "what's wrong with you?"  He is, to this day, oblivious to the role he played in how his children feel about themselves.  Absolutely misses the point that if we are doing well it would take the spotlight off him or be competition for him.  Never mind the fact that we were also, at the same time, supposed to make him look good.  Argh!

So yes, this resonates!  Thanks again, Seeker

[clj_writes]

Dear Wildflower (and all),
I was just looking up other references to "Imposter Syndrome" through Google.  I first learned about this in the early 1990's before the internet was as big as it is today so I didn't happen to have any links I could share.

Here's one that contains similar content to what you described:

Success. It can come with handcuffs.

Research into the “imposter syndrome” first began in 1978 by two psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes who studied a group of successful, high-achieving women. They found that these women had high levels of self-doubt and an inability to internalise their success. They believed they were “fooling” other people, that they got where they did because of contacts or luck — even when a reality check proved that the exact opposite was true. External proofs of excellence — academic degrees, awards, promotions — were routinely dismissed. As researcher Dr Valerie Young put it: “Rather than offering assurance, each new achievement and subsequent challenge only serves to intensify the ever present fear of being...found out.”

Often it’s the smartest people who suffer most. As children they are told how intelligent and exceptional they are. And then, as they grow up, they invariably encounter tasks that are not so easy, where they don’t have all the answers. Suddenly they have to accept that they aren’t so special, that they may actually be only average, even dumb...an imposter. It’s the dirty little secret many smart people share — and no one tells.

I have this in abundance although it has improved over time.  Getting a Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering only intensified my imposter feeling.  However, I also recently heard a presentation at work about how women tend to give external credit for our successes (and internal blame for our failures) whereas men take credit for successes (and give external blame for failures) so there may be some gender stuff at work here too.

Anyway, I was smart but my older brother was a "genius" and my parents had his IQ score to prove it (I'm not sure if they ever checked mine).  He was "lazy" and I was "the hard worker" and also "perfect".  (Yes, RedRose, I believe labels happen in all kinds of families).  So I got the Ph.D. and the genius "only" got his Master's degree; meeting expectations, really.

And yes, if I was so perfect (although not the genius), why would any task seem difficult?  I had a fairly easy time in high school although most of the students were professors' kids but college--forget it.  I cried for hours over my first semester's grades!!!  (And crying was a no-no.)

I agree, Wildflower, the more "average" I become, the more a relief it is.  I think that is consistent, though.  If we are regular folks with regular expectations we can actually meet, then life gets infinitely less stressful.  We probably do still excel at times but we aren't under pressure to never ever make a mistake.  I think it is the non-acceptance of ordinariness that is the big problem.  

This is where the parental legacy comes in.  My parents are big into intellectual superiority in particular which led me to perfectionism, binge eating, isolation, interpersonal problems etc.  They would be appalled if they knew how I now value other kinds of wisdom including the wisdom of the body!  <GASP!>

[differentguest]

"My parents are big into intellectual superiority in particular which led me to perfectionism, binge eating, isolation, interpersonal problems etc."

Geez, Christy, maybe we came from the same family!  

Thanks, everybody, for the great web links.  I am a female with a Ph.D. from MIT and I remember hearing about imposter syndrome years ago and realizing that sounded exactly like me.  Always feeling like it was sheer luck that I got good grades and was successful in my career, and always trying to discourage people from developing a high opinion of my intelligence because I was so convinced that they would eventually see how dumb I really am and become bitterly disappointed with me.  I think I've gotten much better over the years, but I still struggle with it.  At least now I realize it's the direct result of having an N father who was always telling me and my siblings how dumb and lazy we were.

Anyway, I was really impressed that CalTech posted that article on their website to help their (female) students.  MIT was not a very supportive place for women (or anybody but future Nobel prize winners, for that matter!) when I went there.  But I hope they've become more aware of the psychological needs of their students and are taking a more proactive approach now.

[clj_writes]

Dear DG,
You have my sympathy if it sounds like we are from the same family!!  I wonder, are you continously tripped up by the need to "look smart" like I am?  I would say it was the highest value my family held.  They had no religious or spiritual beliefs but did worship the mind and its achievements!

In my case, my undergrad and grad universities weren't particularly supportive *as far as I know*.  Then again I perceived it as my own private hell and I did not see it as being something others might also have.  Even if I had known there was a gender component, I did not appreciate it at the time when I was lumped with "women" so I probably would have rejected whatever I heard.  I've only recently become more comfortable being female.  For many years I considered it a compliment when people would tell me I wasn't like "most women".  That fit right in with the whole isolation thing, of course.

Anyway, congratulations of your progress on this issue!