Dear Wildflower (and all),
I was just looking up other references to "Imposter Syndrome" through Google. I first learned about this in the early 1990's before the internet was as big as it is today so I didn't happen to have any links I could share.
Here's one that contains similar content to what you described:
Success. It can come with handcuffs.
Research into the “imposter syndrome” first began in 1978 by two psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes who studied a group of successful, high-achieving women. They found that these women had high levels of self-doubt and an inability to internalise their success. They believed they were “fooling” other people, that they got where they did because of contacts or luck — even when a reality check proved that the exact opposite was true. External proofs of excellence — academic degrees, awards, promotions — were routinely dismissed. As researcher Dr Valerie Young put it: “Rather than offering assurance, each new achievement and subsequent challenge only serves to intensify the ever present fear of being...found out.”
Often it’s the smartest people who suffer most. As children they are told how intelligent and exceptional they are. And then, as they grow up, they invariably encounter tasks that are not so easy, where they don’t have all the answers. Suddenly they have to accept that they aren’t so special, that they may actually be only average, even dumb...an imposter. It’s the dirty little secret many smart people share — and no one tells.
I have this in abundance although it has improved over time. Getting a Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering only intensified my imposter feeling. However, I also recently heard a presentation at work about how women tend to give external credit for our successes (and internal blame for our failures) whereas men take credit for successes (and give external blame for failures) so there may be some gender stuff at work here too.
Anyway, I was smart but my older brother was a "genius" and my parents had his IQ score to prove it (I'm not sure if they ever checked mine). He was "lazy" and I was "the hard worker" and also "perfect". (Yes, RedRose, I believe labels happen in all kinds of families). So I got the Ph.D. and the genius "only" got his Master's degree; meeting expectations, really.
And yes, if I was so perfect (although not the genius), why would any task seem difficult? I had a fairly easy time in high school although most of the students were professors' kids but college--forget it. I cried for hours over my first semester's grades!!! (And crying was a no-no.)
I agree, Wildflower, the more "average" I become, the more a relief it is. I think that is consistent, though. If we are regular folks with regular expectations we can actually meet, then life gets infinitely less stressful. We probably do still excel at times but we aren't under pressure to never ever make a mistake. I think it is the non-acceptance of ordinariness that is the big problem.
This is where the parental legacy comes in. My parents are big into intellectual superiority in particular which led me to perfectionism, binge eating, isolation, interpersonal problems etc. They would be appalled if they knew how I now value other kinds of wisdom including the wisdom of the body! <GASP!>