Boundaries- I Get It

[gratitude28]

Boundaries has always been a scary term for me. I have this connotation with boundaries equating pushiness.

Izzy, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to use your story to illustrate what I have figured out. And I hope the rest of you don't mind if what I say sounds like common sense... I'm hoping someone out there is as slow to catch on to these things as I am and maybe it will light a bulb for some other soul

At any rate, Izzy told her story about the gentleman who kept talking to her so that (being in her wheelchair) she had to strain her neck to look up to him to respond and maintain eye contact. She said she moved back a few times, but he kept closing in. Finally, she explained that it was uncomfortable for her to talk that way and explained the proper distance needed for a person in a wheelchair.

My instinct was to say, "Well, he just didn't think about it and hadn't probably come across the situation before. Maybe he thought being close to her would make her feel more comfortable."

I missed the point entirely. The point is, Izzy took control of the situation, explained her need, the matter was resolved and the boundary set.

I think I just have this need sometimes to place "blame" in a stiuation where no blame is needed. No one did anything bad here. There was an issue and it was resolved. Period. No emotion needed (except elation for Izzy as she dealt so well with it )

Thanks for listening to my "light bulb" moment.

Love, Beth

[axa]

CB

Anger and blame when I dont set a boundary.  YES, I dont like to set boundaries.  I think a boundary is very tied up with self respect, something I realise I have lacked all of my life.  For me a boundary means crossing this line is disrespectful to me and I will not tolerate it.  My sense of respect for me too important to compromise in a given situation and how the other reacts to that is their issue.  I knew this in theory but I DID NOT KNOW THIS IN PRACTISE.  I am struggling a lot with this at the moment myself.

I need to set some boundaries and I am scared.  Not that the people concerned will reject me because I know I can cope with that but I cannot bear the thought of them thinking I am a bad person and a trouble maker.  Like I have a nerve to rock the boat.

I grew up in a family where there were NO boundaries, children were treated as objects and mini slaves.  I am struggling so much establishing boundaries.  It goes back to not taking responsibility for my life.  I want someone else to do it for me.  My magical thinking around this is that I want and ADULT to address the wrong others have done to me and then I want the abusers to come back, say they were sorry and make everything ok.  Now how crazy is that. 

I have written before about my struggle with taking responsibility for my life and it is again an issue for me.  I know I have not gotten to the bottom of this and will need to stay with the struggle of it until I resolve it.  I firmly believe when I have cracked this one I will not let the Ns of this world within a mile of me.

I noticed with XN that he was extremely uncomfortable with people who had healthy boundaries, especially women.  I suppose he realised that they saw through him and would not entertain his bulls...  All this learning is very hard at times.

xxx axa

[gratitude28]

YESSSS!!! This is exactly what I mean!!! I never asked for anything (and still hesititate to do so many times) because I am afraid it makes me look like I am trying to get some advantage or be rude in some way. I had a friend once who always stated exactly what she needed and it bothered me soooooo much. (Honestly, from a bit healthier standpoint, I still think she went a bit overboard... she was a bit entitled...).
And, yes, I used to get angry when I didn't set boundaries... that part I have figured out now. Either do it and be peaceful or keep quiet, bacuse you made that choice! I don't do the passive agressive thing with it.
CB, it was important that you tell your friend not to smack you.
I have more to add, but have to run.
Thanks for some great points!!!
Love, Beth