Thanks moon,
I know I am full of questions, but I do so love the insights I receive here.
Here's another I just remembered....why is he so addicted to the VERY person responsible for his Nism? Actually he and his N mother feed off each other.
And why does he claim that I drive him crazy but he just won't say what I do? So I wonder, really, WHAT? Interesting and confusing news to a person who watches every flinch he makes or breath he takes or flicker of his eye to see how I need to adjust to please him----- for the past 20 years!!!!! Married 16.5---dating for 20----actually today is our 20th anniversay of our 1st date. And the beginning of the long rotten road for me. Not celebrating today. He actually asked me to be "his girl" 3 days later and we have been together since. I was 16. Barely.
Makes me sick to write THAT out. Probably why I am posting so much today. Don't want to think about that too hard.
I actually had a full scholarship to a local University and he talked me out of it and I gave it up and married him. He talked me out of it by using his weird way of verbal and emotional manipulation I was talking about before. Which is precisely what I witnessed him do to our oldest daughter a few months ago when she informed us she wanted to try out for a sport team at school and he USED the SAME ---and I mean---THE SAME---reasoning and shaming and fear tactics on her because that sport didn't fit what HE wanted her to do. He insists she play her flute because it serves him. It feeds his Nism. She is very good, but does it for him. He tells her--basketball will just jam your fingers---how will you play flute? Deja vu.
He made her cry just before try-outs. Selfish PIG!
I took her anyway. I was proud she was trying. He was also taking a "dig" at me because I played all kinds of sports in high school and was going to in college, but he never respected that. And certainly doesn't want THAT for his daughters!!! (Back-handed put-down to me)
I was pretty sick that he treated her that way and to realize after all these years exactly what he was up to when he talked me out of my future and education and desires so I could be his slave. I always consciously thought it was my decision, he was that good at the game, and it hit me hard when I realized I knew all along what he did -----I just was in denial.
AAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!! I could really just smack him. Now he is doing it to our daughters, and when the boys are old enough, I am sure he will do it to them too. I don't see of any way to stop this. Divorced or not. He WILL have influence in their lives and they are children and don't know how to adapt. Geez, I barely can.
But, not allowing them the chance to grow up by learning to deal with his sickness, and protecting them, I am probably not doing them any favors. Is that right?
Just a hard day today, memories being triggered I guess.
Namaste,
Sunny
