Very big cat problem help please

[Stormchild]

Oh, the Naming of Cats! I vote for "Greebo". He's a fictional character in Terry Pratchett's novels who just happens to be a cat.

Here's why he has my vote: http://www.lspace.org/books/whos-who/greebo.html

Enjoy the picture. Wouldn't'ya love to toss that sweet little fluffball into your N's lap a few times. eh?

[Hopalong]

Sea,
Is there any way you could go on a trip?
Could you visit your daughter?

Sometimes the physical removal of travel can be such a help for regaining emotional distance.

You are so wise to say you need to not be in contact with people who do you harm.

I sometimes resorted to private reminders such as, HE HURTS ME, posted on ALL my telephones.

I couldn't go into a "fugue state" and lull myself back into trance and make the call without intentionally stepping over that boundary.

If one thing posted wouldn't work, I'd do more.
Write in soap on my bathroom mirror. Put a note on my dashboard (driving's a great place for fugue-ing), in my purse, on the inside of my doors, wherever and however many it takes.

There is no reminder/prompt/crutch/affirmation/billboard I wouldn't use again if I ever needed to to keep me away from an N.

I sure don't judge you for slipping, hon. BEEN THERE.

Maybe it would help to try to bust out of your isolation some. Even a volunteer activity. Some busy group where you'd be occupied with your hands and have pleasant people around you, get focused on something else a few times a week.

You feeling any better now? SO glad you're keeping your kitty.

love,
Hops

[DivineSunshine]

Don't feel bad sea, I can't even seem to get out the door in the first place.  And I beat myself up every day for it.  Long for the time when I can decide whether or not I wish to speak to him.

Glad you and your daughter are working things through.  Mine are only in early teens and pre-teens, the worst of that might be yet to come.  There are 4 of them (girls).  I am afraid they will blame me for a separation and act out.  Hope you two work it out, I know she loves you.

Namaste,

Sunny

[debkor]

Sea,

When all else failed and I felt lousy. I always put this song on.  Got me going!  I don't sing well although.  Wonder by my neighbors really moved?


First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Love Deb

[gratitude28]

Hi sea,
I didn't get to read through all the answers, but it sounds like they are trying to take away yet another something that you care about.
I am sorry you have, again, somthing to go through and deal with.
Try to stay centerd and keep your lovely (bad!) cat!!!
Love, Beth

[seastorm]

Yes, it is another visit to hell for me. I cannot stand to hear his voice as it is too painful. I always really liked the sound of his voice. I don't like to imagine him in Calgary.
I think that if I stop communcating with him then I am admitting that I don't love him anymore.  This is screwed up.  What's love got to do with it. Or that weird bondage and discipline merrygoround that I call love.

I went to the Hospice trainging tonight and I felt good being in a group. No one is cold to me and it feels nice. They are a group of very good people. I like the discussions. We talked about touching to show we care and how hard it is to have an elderly parent who won't accept medication for osteoporosis. She has lived on a big farm all her life and she won't show anything that she perceives as weakness. Meanwhile, her daughter is a slave to her because of this pride. Good to look at how others struggle.
I also learned that there is someone who has the job of getting people's lfestories before they die. This is for their family. That sounds like a nice occupation.

My cats name is Moka which is so insipid. I like the name Frank but it is not epic enough.

Tomorrow I am going out for dinner to an old friends. We lived on the same island during the 70s handlogging and without electricity etc. We have many good memories.
I am forcing myself out into the world. I figure eventually I will get a life.
Also I think I need to volunteer doing something I love to do. I got through the two hours of hospice training without crying. I have to factor that in.
I learned that the symptoms of grief are the same as for post traumatic stress. I found that helpful and it normalized what I am going through. I often feel as crazy as a bat.

That song is great and I have sung it plenty. It is a good kick ass song and good for the kitchen aria. Best sung with umbrella in hand.

Love,
Sea storm

[SilverLining]

Sea,

What everyone else has said, except here is an excellent twist:

"Oh, the cat has [diabetes, thyroid problems, kidney trouble] and he needs his medication every day. I've just had him in the hospital again but it ONLY cost $2000 this time, thank goodness the vet lets me run a tab, you'll take responsibility for the back bills, of course, when you take him, I'll call the vet right now and give him all your contact information. He'll be going back in for some tests in a couple of weeks. He's getting used to the subcutaneous fluids now, that only has to be done twice a day and it only takes ten minutes each time and he hardly ever scratches me now..."

If they have to do anything, and I mean anything, to care for an animal, they lose interest FAST.

I was also thinking of something along these lines .   They say possession is 9/10ths of the law, and you've had the cat and taken care of it for several years.  If the cat is still HIS and you provided the service of taking care of HIS cat for several years, you have some compensation coming.  What's a kennel charge these days?   So show me some money son, and you can have the cat back...  And I sure wouldn't let him "borrow" the cat for several days.

[seastorm]

I am seeing that I have been taken advantage of. I really must smarten up. I will take this  advice and it is now my mantral  No money, no kitty, no money, no kitty.  Also, kitty has bilateral lung deformity with diabetic shock syndrome and needs meds each month.
I am realizing that I have problems with being a codependent and this sets me up to be a sucker. I need lessons in clear, no crap, don't mess with me  attitude. If anyone is good at this (((((((Deb000000000 feel free to speak up when I sound too slack about things.

Thanks all   xxxxxxxx

Sea storm

[Stormchild]

Sea, I am confused. Are you now thinking about giving the cat back to the N? That's what I 'hear' in 'no money, no kitty' - that you'd give the cat to this creep if you got cash? I hope not...

... but I am a totally wigged out animal lover, and I would never ever surrender an animal to anyone who had abused me, or whom I'd observed abusing anyone or anything, even in the slightest degree, for fear of what that person would do if I gave them a small, helpless, furry hostage to abuse in my stead.

So I am probably reading something into that phrase that isn't there. Sorry! And best of luck to you and that beautiful big cat.

((((((((((Seastorm & Kitty))))))))))

[Bones]

Based on some cases I've seen on "People's Court", "Judge Judy" etc., since the cat has been in your possession for so long then the cat is YOURS!  Tell the N to take a flying leap off a cliff somewhere!

If he's dumb enough to attempt to take you to small claims court, one of the first questions the judge will ask is "when did you leave your property there?"  He will have to truthfully answer "four years" plus you will have your documentation of vet bills, etc. for the last four years.  In the eyes of the law, N has abandoned the "property" and therefore no longer has a valid claim.

Just my opinion.

Bones

[SilverLining]

Sea, I am confused. Are you now thinking about giving the cat back to the N? That's what I 'hear' in 'no money, no kitty' - that you'd give the cat to this creep if you got cash? I hope not...

Seems to me it's just a good way to bluff the N.   Watch them lose all interest in the cat as soon as money comes up in the conversation.   

[Gaining Strength]

Sea - the cat is yours.  he was abandoned to you.  You are confused because your boundaries are not yet firm.  N's run over boundaries like bulldozers and then blame the "weak" boundary for not stopping them.  Sound familiar.

From Kell's post on Co-Narcissism:
Children of narcissists tend to feel overly responsible for other people. They tend to assume that others’ needs are similar to those of their parents, and feel compelled to meet those needs by responding in the required manner. They tend to be unaware of their own feelings, needs, and experience, and fade into the background in relationships.

The cat is yours.  He was abandoned to you.  Take CB's advice and say anything except, "the cat is mine."  Say it is inconvenient for you to pick the cat up or something else and say something different each and every time.  Give him the run around.  He is trying to manipulate you.  You are confused only because your boundaries are weak.  If your boundaries were not broken by the N bulldozer and the N parent before him you would say, "Go jump in a lake." 

What are you afraid will happen?  Try to answer that question and then step back and see why it isn't so. 

Every morning before you get out of bed, say three times out loud, "I am glad I got  that N man out of my life.  I am better off without Ns in my life."  You don't have to believe it at first but before long you will believe it and it will set you free.

I'm counting on you to try.  your friend - gaining strength

[seastorm]

I am keeping the cat with a clear conscience. He is off getting himself beaten up by the neighbourhood bully cat as we speak. Spring must be here.
I would not sell this cat for a million dollars. He is so magnificent and we love each other. I will not bore you with his beloved eccentricties. He is a manx cat and this is so darling, big tufts between his toes.

I think taking the cat was another mean thing to do. I was really upset about losing him. I felt guilty and that he belonged to Ns son.  Love with no responsibility is pretty pathetic.
Thanks for all the help. I love to hear what you guys think.

Sea storm

[Leah]

Sea Storm,

So glad 'big cat' is staying put ....... oh but, shoo off that bully cat 

My big fluffy cat has little tufts of soft fluffy fur between her toes, and, licks my arm each morning to greet me.

We love each other heaps.  She follows me everywhere round the house.

Enjoy the love from your big soft puddy cat.

Leah x

[seastorm]

(((((((((((((((Purrrrrr))))))))))))))))


Sea storm