Very big cat problem help please

[seastorm]

Hi everyone,

If you have followed my story you will know that I broke up a seven year relationship with my N partner 4 months ago. I have been looking after a big black cat who is magnificent for 3 years. this includes paying several hundred dollars in vet bills ( he gets into fights and gets beaten up although he is neutered), paying for all the food and kitty litter and providing a loving home to him. Now the N's son wants the cat back. I love this cat a lot. I treat him like a king and he is currently my best friend.  I do no want to give him back.
I got a call on my answering machine saying that it was convenient for son to pick up cat on Monday.  I emailed exN that cat is not negotiable and I wont give him back.  I did weaken and say that i would let son borrow cat for a few days but I wont give him back but now I realize my exN manipulated me into this.
I also heard that son was planning to go to Australia for a year. This is all quite confusing.

What is your opinion.

Input gratefully appreciated.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

supervised visitation?

are you confident N's son will return him


falllinnngggg asleeeeeep

Hops

[debkor]

Hey Sea,

It the cat really the sons cat or was it the family cat?  How old is his son?

Love Deb

[seastorm]

The cat was his son's. His son is 26.
I have had the cat for four years. During that time the son had the cat for 6 months. He gave the cat back when his boyfriend moved in with another cat. This cat has been dumped many times. It is too hard on him. He is getting old.

I cant think straight about this. My ex said that I could have the cat when he left.
I am thinking seriously about keeping the cat. The son has not been nice to me at all. He has shown no interest in the cat in four years. Didn't call to inquire when cat had a serious illness.

Sea Storm

[seastorm]

No, Visitation won't work. It is a long ferry ride (1 1/2 hours on the ferry) and big bucks to make the trip. I don't think I would get the cat back. I am pretty sure that my exN has painted a very wicked picture of me to justify leaving for new woman.

Sea Storm

[debkor]

Sea,

I sit here and read and relate to post of everyone.  I don’t feel the hurt anymore but I still remember it. 
I have read and experienced real life N relationship just like all of you.   It plain out sucked.
I know they have clinical names such as:  Narcissist, NPD, Narcissism.
I on the other hand have my own names such as:  Asshole, Asswipe, Assholeism.

I know you are hurt Sea he has done terrible things to you. 
He is working it? You are right. He is apologetic?  Don’t except it.  He is not, He is not sorry. Sea read between the lines.  He is planning something.  He always has even way before you met him. He knows your hurt and that is to his advantage.   He is manipulating.  They are so freaking good at what they do Sea.  He is feeling you out.  He actually thinks he can come and visit in a few months. He is working you with your cat.
He is who he was and he will become bigger/badder/better.  He is a monster who is not finished eating you up.  Sea you have caused him Narcissist Injury and payback is a bitch.
Stay away from this man in person and conversation.  You may have to speak to him through attorneys.  You have got to stop him in his tracks.
Get rid of him.  Simply say Dear I'm not interested in your hardships you are boring me to death now could you kindly Fuck Off and Have a Nice Day. Oh and dear by the way while your having a nice day I'm keeping the cat.
Love Deb

[seastorm]

DebKor:

Of course you are right. And this is what I want to do. How frigging  weird was all that. I realized that he had told his kids god knows what and they may have thought I would boil up the kitty and eat him for dinner. There is no use trying to undo this.

That was one great piece of advice. I really enjoy those cursewords. I was laughing as I read your post. Zippety doo dah the sun is going to shine again someday.

I need to hear this regularly as I slip back into lah lah land.

Happy Valentines you feisty girl.

Sea storm

[seastorm]

I am glad I asked for help with this. I am learning really great things.

Sea Storm

[Stormchild]

Sea,

What everyone else has said, except here is an excellent twist:

"Oh, the cat has [diabetes, thyroid problems, kidney trouble] and he needs his medication every day. I've just had him in the hospital again but it ONLY cost $2000 this time, thank goodness the vet lets me run a tab, you'll take responsibility for the back bills, of course, when you take him, I'll call the vet right now and give him all your contact information. He'll be going back in for some tests in a couple of weeks. He's getting used to the subcutaneous fluids now, that only has to be done twice a day and it only takes ten minutes each time and he hardly ever scratches me now..."

If they have to do anything, and I mean anything, to care for an animal, they lose interest FAST.

[CB123]

Storm,

                           

You are too much.

CB

[Stormchild]

... every word of that is taken from direct experience... just not direct experience all at one time, thank God!

Late life care for critters is definitely not for the faint of heart... but you know that too, I'm'a preachin' to the choir.

Show an N an expeNse, and watch them ruN for the hills!

[debkor]

Hey Sea,

I'm glad you laughed that is what I was hoping my colorful words would do.
Your such a nice person and although your feelings were hurt you would never ever hurt anyone else.
Your very sweet and that is something to be proud of something that is rare in people our days.   
You are doing just fine.  You are moving ahead and not going back.  You just glanced back that is all.
The difference is now when you glance at that horrible moster person there is a whole team of people standing behind him wavng their arms, Noo,, Noooo.. that is us. 
I guess we are like that Verizon wireless commerical.  We go everywhere with you we are your support team. 

Love Deb

[Hopalong]

Deb,
I LOVE that image of the whole board standing behind an N that one of us has drifted off into trance about, waving their fellow VES member away, away, go bacccck!

Thanks much for this.

It says so much about how this community functions and what power it has.

Hops

[DivineSunshine]

I'm thinking having our N's be the cardboard cut-outs that tip and fall with a poof of smoke in the Verizon commercial.

While we all stand triumphant on our feet!

Thanks all for helping me!

Sunny

Love cats--gonna get one to replace my N soon!

[seastorm]

Thanks for your support all you great people.

The cat thing plus finalizing the separation and getting money from bank for payoff has really opened up old wounds. I ended up talking to exN and this was hard. He said that he didn't sleep with the woman. However, he has moved to Calgary. He does not know anyone else there. So the old mixed up feeling came, the ones where I am being lied to in all probability.
I would be so much better off if I could get angry and hate him more.
I need to go back to no contact.  I still have this feeling of wanting reassurance that it wasn't as cruel and heartless as I thought it was.  But it was. Only when I talk to N he says that I am completely wrong about my perceptions. And there it is again. I am a crazywoman. Poor him.
I am in danger of slipping back. He is mighty good at manipulating me. I feel scared. This sounds pathetic. I feel very lonely. My daughter called and we had a lovely talk for more than an hour. We have mended the gap that had developed. We have been alienated from each other for a few years.  She felt like I became a different person with N and now I am getting back to who I really am. This is so affirming for me. She lives on the other side of the continent.
I feel like I have let you guys down by contacting N. I was afraid to tell him that I might take him back in a year. All I did on the phone was cry. I am way too traumatized and vulnerable to talk to anyone who can do me harm.  So there it is.
He is seriously looking for work in Calgary. It is booming so apparently one can get jobs easily. I know that this is a lucky thing for me.  Life takes over and one starts building a new life. I think that is what he will do.
I am not there yet.  It is exactly 4 months since we separated physcally.
That is not so long. If I still cry my eyes out over it all every other day this is a big improvement.  Also he is not the only reason I am in rough shape. I am doing therapy and my issues started long before N.  My mom was an N big time.
My job gave me secondary trauma and I was on stress leave before he left or I threw him out. My boss was an N too.  Four other people in my position went to arbitraion over her wrongful accusations of incompetency and they WON.  Howeve, the board could not fire this boss and they could not afford to pay her out so they said she had to stay. So I am the fifth person. She gets someone in her crosshairs and they are doomed. She piles on work and then uber manages the person. She demands reports and then criticises them and requires five ediits. The list goes on and on.

Basically, I think that God wanted me to get out of that job and out of my relationship. I needed to rebuild my whole life. This is a big job and not for sissies. I am going to reinvent myself with integrity. I am not going to work somewhere that I don't believe in or do things I don't have conviction about. If I lose my house so be it. Right now though I am curled up in a ball of insecurity. However, I believe in doing things even though I am afraid.

thanks for listening.  I am keeping the cat.

Sea storm