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marital therapy in the twilight zoNe

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seeker:
Hi Pandora,

Just checking in here after the weekend.  I was thinking about you because I was just like you when dealing with the N in my family.  I kept wishing it was different, kept hoping for change, kept getting frustrated when things were awful.  I was obsessing about the fact that geez, I'm a good person, doing kind things, why is N treating me and my family like this?  And I mean I was obsessing!  :(  :(

As soon as I realized things weren't going to change, really grasped the reality of my situation, (it took therapy which I know you are getting), I felt so much better!!!  :D  I did grieve the loss, but ultimately I am far better off.

I finally gave myself permission to walk away from the car wreck.  It doesn't matter who was driving, who didn't signal, etc., the car was totalled and no point in paying more for bodywork to be done.  I learned a lot.  I learned (and am still learning) to give myself permission to walk away from situations that only have pain for me.  

Also just want to comment on the therapist/advice thing.  Only you can make the decisions you can live with.  The therapist cannot take responsibility for your life or your decisions.  It sounds like you are getting good information.  It will take time to process everything, but it sounds like you have all the data you need to know what you will get if you stay v. how you will feel if you go.  Either way, you will be informed and aware.  Good luck to you, Pandora.  Take care, Seeker

pandora:
Hi everyone,

Thank you to seeker and all who expressed support and concern.  I made it through the weekend intact.

N left for his 2-3 month trip Saturday evening.  We were friendly to each other.  He expresses ambivalence about our marriage, his feeling that it is lacking in certain areas, etc.  He does not express any sense of commitment or even obligation to me as far as I can see.  

It's weird - it's like he doesn't even care whether I stay with him or not, and if I do go, he expects me to just pack a suitcase.  He is a bit of an idiot to leave now, as it gives me 2 months to get all the info I need on our assets if I do decide to leave him.   And I have already started talking to lawyers.

I feel better since he is gone.  Although I am very angry and appalled at his treatment of me, and also still devastated that my dream of what our marriage would be has been destroyed.  Another thing I struggle with is how I could be fooled by him so completely.  I wish I could believe we could return - I felt so happy the first year we were married.  

My dad told me that people like this are very good at deceiving you about their true nature, while they are focused on getting what they want from you, and that later, when they want something else more, it will come out.  The deception may not even be completely conscious on their part.  

So I am lonely, but less stressed.  

Pandora

surf14:
I finally gave myself permission to walk away from the car wreck. It doesn't matter who was driving, who didn't signal, etc., the car was totalled and no point in paying more for bodywork to be done. I learned a lot. I learned (and am still learning) to give myself permission to walk away from situations that only have pain for me.
  I really like this Seeker; very healthy perspective.  Surf

seeker:
Glad to help, Surf!  :wink:  I'm still learning that I have choices....
peace, Seeker

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