Dont know what to do

[Lupita]

What if unwillingly, unintentionally you have become one? And now everybody realizes you are one, and you feel so ashamed of your self, but cant change, it is difficult to change, when words come out of your mouth unintentionally, or body language is so obvious that people can guess what you are at first sight. At night you go to bed feeling so much shame that you cant sleep. Then think, I do not want to be like that. I want to be normal, I want to be likable, I don’t want people to get away from me. I need friends. What if you do not know how to change because you have no role model at all? Who can I copy? Where can I learn something I should have learned in Kindergarten but never did? How can a person fix a dyslexia on social skills? How can you feel empathy when you never received it in your young years? How can you give something you never had?
Any advise will be appreciated. Therapy? I tried. He said I should be nice and read books. He wasted my sessions that were paid by my insurance. Now if I want more I have to pay $60.00, which at this particular moment I cant afford. That means he was right? I should read books? I have read children of the self absorbed, and reading now trapped in the mirror. It helps a little, but not much.
How can I brake this ugly habit of depending on others to feel well? Always afraid of what people think.
Thank you for offering this place. Thank you in advanced for any advise you have.
Lupita

[reallyME]

Lupita,

thank YOU for being so open about your struggle.  I, too, have been reading CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED, and I have some advice for you.

If the people in my life, who have been pathological narcissists, were to come to me and say what you have said, what I would tell them is, first of all, to pray and ask God, in Jesus' name, to help them change.  Secondly, I'd suggest that they take one thing at a time, starting with the thing in them that needs the least amount of changing, and work on learning what the opposite feels like.  N'ism is about maladaptive behaviors that CAN be changed over time, in my opinion.

For instance, you may have a tendency of PROJECTING onto others what you do not want to feel.  You need to get alone by yourself, explore just one feeling at a time, find out the definition of that feeling, think about what it means to you, try and see if feeling that feeling was somehow FORBIDDEN in your past, or if feeling it, caused you to believe a certain way about yourself, etc.  Once you have established this, talk to some safe people about how it is to actually FEEL that feeling, rather than to stuff it down or project it onto others.

Say you do not allow yourself to become angry.  Look up the word ANGER in the dictionary.  Think about why you stuff it down or project it (I will NOT become angry because it means I lose control and then I look stupid to others and I cannot do that cause it means that my mother will look bad, and she will hate me if I make her look bad in how she raised me).  So, now you tell yourself, "It is ok to become angry.  My mother will not die if I express anger in a healthy way.  Even if my mother hates me, I will not die, because I'm not an extension of her.") 

Next, you learn what it feels like to ACT angry.  You clench your fists, grit your teeth, stomp, scream, shake, etc, in a safe area of your house where nobody will freak out, but where you can unleash your feelings.  Take a chair, pretend someone you are upset with, is in the chair.  YELL AT THE CHAIR WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT...FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL THE ANGER AND PAIN. LET IT COME OUT!  Write down your experience, feelings, as you are doing all this, so you can understand what you go through when you do not hold in the feelings or project them onto someone.

This was just 1 instance and example of what  you could do.  Take each thing that you struggle with, and re-learn how to FEEL.  At the basis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a false-image and need to not feel feelings.

Hope it helps.

~Laura

[Lupita]

Thank you Laura. Thank you for taking the time. Sometimes, I guess, I had to be rejected to the extreme so I appreciate a smile. And your response seems like a nice smile to me. Something I do not experience frequently. I feel shame. That is the feeling that most torments me. So, will try.
Thank you again.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
I think sometimes it can help to get really mad at someone's cruelty to someone else.

Like, get just as worked up as Laura describes in your mind at least. But with the object being to PROTECT someone else who is vulnerable.

After a while of that, sometimes a light goes on, and you find yourself going:

Wait a minute. if it's basic fairness and kindness i want for that other person, or those other people, logically I am entitled to at least that much for myself too. I am also just a human being.

This is pretty limp advice, I'm very sleepy.

More later,
Hopalong

[debkor]

Hey Lupita,
   
I’m sorry if you are feeling this way.  It’s such a struggle to put broken pcs back together.

I can tell you what I did.  I felt guilt and shame but I did it anyway and eventually I felt better.
My experience was not with my mom but with my ex and the after effects with his family and his friends.  
I was tired of sugar coating things.  It was killing me and making me sick emotionally and physically.  You could read it on my body, in my eyes, and down right couldn’t ignore it coming out of my mouth.  I was MAD, I had a right to be MAD and I was not going to chew it up and swallow it anymore.  I let it out and forceful and not very nice either.   I had anger and directed it right at the people who caused it.  I was worried about my acts and my feelings and felt I was doing exactly what the N’s did.  I called my T before I blew the roof off and ran it by him. I told him I wanted to throw my ex out and I wanted to do it maybe tomorrow or in the next moment. Is it ok if I was to do it on the drop of a hat?  Would I be acting like the N if was to do that?  Am I thinking like the N. I was so worried I was becoming one. I told him that it would mean he would have no money that I would of wiped out the bank account, secured the car, the bills, I was planning and he was not included in the plan. I had hidden agenda’s.  He told me you are not an N. I said aren’t I doing the same thing.  He said no.  You are surviving.  You protect yourself and your children anyway you have to.  You do what you deem necessary as long as it is within the law. I said but he will have to sleep in his car.  He said, so, he’s a grown man he can take care of himself. You take care of you. Don’t worry about him.  
I did do all the things I wrote above and was dying while I did them.  I felt it was wrong to go behind some else back and set my well being up with out them knowing it and they would get backlash from what I do.  
The day after I had withdrawn all the money out of the bank (a friend who works there) told me he came in to do it and found out it was closed.
He had no access to my car and yes he did try to take it.  It was disabled although.
So you see what I did was right.  I may have hidden agendas but with no malice intent just survival intent.  He on the other hand was going to destroy us.  I just intercepted and took care of my children and myself.  
I don’t know if this helps you any but I had worried about what I was becoming only to find out a healthy stronger human being. Not an N.

Love
Deb.

[Lupita]

A healthy stronger human being. I wish I could become one. Someday, perhaps.
Thanks.

[Lupita]

Guess it is not narcissism since they dont think they have a problem. Since I thnk I have a problem and I am trying to find a solution, maybe CB is right. I am not one. Just confused.

[reallyME]

Lupita,

After thinking about your post, I agree with CB...I don't see you as "one of them" at all.  What I do see is maybe some borderline tendencies that you developed as defense mechanisms from living with a narcissistic person.  Perhaps some books on Borderline Personality Disorder might be of help?  Just a thought.

~Laura

[seastorm]

Hi Lupita,

I read through some of your posts to see if I could discover some of your characteristics. I see that you have a sense of humour, you have empathy for people who are in pain, you do not trust your own intuition ( which seems pretty good really), you have been hurt in the past by people you trusted, and you are willing to hear what people have to say.  these are very good indicatiors of someone who is NOT a Narcissist.

When I was at my most vulnerable and hurt several wise souls here suggested that I joiin a support group.  I joined a Hospice training group because I thought there would be nice people there. I am feeling a sense of safety in this group after four weeks. I find they like me. This is such a good feeling after several years of an abusive relationship.

You are making changes while you have been on this board too. At first you were scared and thought you would be shunned or say the  wrong thing. Even if anyone says something goofy or mean they are gently pulled back into a better way here. You CAN make mistakes. Preferalbly make mistakes and learn from them.  I notice that you are opening up and sharing and lots of people can relate to what you are saying. Me too. I can relate to what you think and feel.
You are very brave to try this out even though you are afraid. This is a good way to gain self esteem.

I work with the kids who have the biggest behviour problems in their schools. I spend almost all my times with them finding what they are doing right and helping them to do more of that. They have so many people telling them what they are doing wrong that they feel hopeless inside. These little duffers can be serious pains in the butt and yet they all respond better to this approach and they grow more. It is an acf of faith. Find out what is good in you and do it more. Follow that thread. I think God gives us this to lead us out of the dark.
If you dance then do it. If you play tennis, play more, if you life to go to teh movies, rent a bunch, if you life to draw, go to a class. Pretty soon you will find the pod ( like whales) that you are happiest swimming with . I am trying to do that and it is helping. Little miracles happen.

I bet you know all this already. We all know everything. Take what you like from this. I love to give advice but am lousy at taking it.

Love,
Sea storm

[Lupita]

Sea, thank you. You are a very encouraging person. Thank you for your supportive comments.
Lupita