Hello everyone, I'm new here, and really need some advice!

[sunnydeeelite]

Hello everyone, I am so glad to have found this message board! My husband is a "classic" case. His actions and personality fit every description I have read about narcissists. We are seperated, he left me, thankfully, for the second time a couple of months ago. I don't know if any of you can relate to the "ants in the brain" feeling, that almost insane feeling of anxiety and distortion where you want to claw out of yourself. When I am around him, I feel that way.
A little more history, I am 34, he's 35. When we met, almost 5 years ago, when both our spouses divorced us. They had both succumbed to infidelity, so we had that in common. We also both had custody of our children. His were 2 and 4, and mine was 9. It seemed perfect, almost too perfect. As time went on, everything started to crumble. He began putting me down, he wouldn't work, he pressured me to do things I didn't want to do, and labeled ME controlling when I started refusing to do everything he asked. I think that's called projection. He was so afraid of intimacy, he couldnt even kiss me. His ex-wife had the same issues. Other areas of intimacy were limited. It was for self gratification, very quick, always. he was possessive and easily angered.
I could write forever about it!
What I want to know is this. I now live alone with my daughter, we got an apartment, after he bankrupted me and left me with a foreclosure. He is still trying to keep me on a string by telling me he may want to be with me again one day. I know that isn't possible. When I try to have NO contact, he becomes enraged. He pursues me, calls, messages and then starts to threaten me if I dont respond. He today tried to extort money from me because he has no money for his own bills. He said if i didnt give him $200 he would mess me up bad, never saying what he meant. I asked him and he said, "Wait and see, I'm giving you until tonight"
I know you guys don't know me or him, but I am wondering if I should get a TPO. Do you guys think narcissists are all talk or should I really be worried that he will do something to me??
Have any of you ever been victimized violently by your narcissist?
I am at my wits end.
Thanks for reading this!

[skidz]

Yes I have
Is there a place you can go that he doesnt know where you are? Find a womens shelter, they can keep you safe from him and help you place restraining orders against him. Document anything and everything, it will help you in the long run...I made the mistake of not taking his threats seriously and found myself in several dangerous situations. Dont post where you are going. He will find you if he wants to if you dont cover your tracks. Be safe
Skiddlez

[Peach Guest]

Welcome Sunnydeeelite,

I don't want to scare you but I do feel this is not a matter to be taken lightly.  

From what you have described, your x partner fits the profile of potential criminally violent offenders.    The enraged harrassment/stalking when you try to distance yourself, threatening to physically hurt you...


Perhaps he was speaking out of financial desperation this time, but given what could happen if you are wrong, I don't think it is worth the risk to view it that way.  

I don't know if he was ever physically violent with you while you were together.   If so, the scenario is worse.


I think that you should have the threat recorded/on file in law enforcement and seek counseling from a battered womens shelter counselor or a counselor specializing in spousal abuse.    They are used to dealing with these cases and probably would have a lot of helpful advice for you.

My main advice to you would be do not assume anything to his benefit, take what he said seriously, and do not take any chances.

Also, keep a very, very close watch over your children.  Moreso than you normally would.

Take care of yourself-- I truly wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

One thing about this type of guy. They are cowards. The worst type. It is impossible to know what he may do. Because of this you must go to the police. It doesn't matter if he denies it. They will believe you. Too many women are killed and injured every year because of guys like this. The only people who can deal with him are the police. So often a restraining or domestic violence orders do work. I've seen it dozens of times. These cowards back of completely when it comes to having to deal with the authorities. The orders can also restrict him from phoning you, or going within so many k's of your home. Go to the police. You have a child to protect as well as yourself. A magistrate once said to me, "Only certain types ever even make these types of threats, guys who do make such threats must be taken seriously, they have already crossed over into a mindset and a world we know nothing about, but have to try to clean up the results." Please take any and all precautions. Get your family involved if you have any. Can someone come to stay with you? Can you go and stay with family? Talk to your neighbours to keep an eye out, it can be awkward momentarily, but often you find people are wiling to help, and if they hear anything they'll know what to do, call the police. The other poster said a women's refuge. This is such a good idea too. Go to the police please. Imagine the cheek of the guy holding out that he wants to get back with you some day and then talks to you and threatens you like this. What a nutter and a creep. Take care and all the best.
 

Guest

[sunnydeeelite]

Thank you so much guys for all the advice!!! I really feel like I am not alone now. He is fluctuating mentally at this point. I can remove myself and see with clarity every now and then what he is doing. He's trying so desperately to keep me as a narcissistic supply, all the while knowing that he is using me. A friend of mine said something so profound today. She said that we are the cured meat in the cellar, and when there isn't any fresh food to be had, they come and gnaw on us for awhile, until there is another source available again. And that's true. For me, anyway.
What I want to know is, are they what can be considered true evil? Are they psychic vampires, sent here to suck the life and sanity from us? He has told me how rotten I am, how stupid I am, but yet, he refuses to leave me alone. We expect rationality from them, but forget that is not possible!!!!!!! If any of you are on Yahoo messenger, and want to talk privately, please IM me, I'm sunnydeeelite. I'm starting to wonder if this is a genetic problem, a neurological problem....
when my husband was born, he wasn't breathing. I wonder if he suffered from a lack of oxygen that destroyed certain areas of cells in his brain, like the empathy and compassion area!!!! Also, he had problems as a child with hyperactivity and violence. His family finally sent him away.
Have any of you had the same experiences? Please massage me here or email or IM me in private!
Thanks,
Lisa

[sunnydeeelite]

Oops!!!!! Guys, I'm a massage therapist, that was not a Freudian slip! LOL!!!!!!

I'll tell you what, this is driving me crazy, I even threw my car keys in the garbage today without realising it! Then searched the house up and down for them, finally, there they were, in the trash! ACK!!!!!!!!

[Wildflower]

Hi sunnydeelite,

It's nice to hear from you again and know that you're okay!

She said that we are the cured meat in the cellar, and when there isn't any fresh food to be had, they come and gnaw on us for awhile, until there is another source available again. And that's true. For me, anyway.

I really like this image.

What I want to know is, are they what can be considered true evil?

It may be that your husband suffered damage to the part of the brain that controls violent behavior, that I don't know, but I do know that it certainly feels like evil when you're on the receiving end of all the N games.  According to the research I've done, though, most Ns are the product of abuse themselves - which is what makes it tricky for many people to separate from them.  If we know enough about their own suffering, it can be easy to sympathize and think they can be healed.

But whether or not they're evil, most N's can't be healed (again, according to the research I've done), so there's no helping them.  There's only getting away to safety - whether that means physically moving to a hotel or emotionally moving to a safe place behind well-defended boundaries.

Laughing about the car keys, by the way.  Last week I got so disoriented that I literally didn't know which way was home - and I was only two blocks away!  

Wildflower

[kelly8893]

Hello!

I can relate to your analysis about how you felt being around your N, they have a great way of making you feel like you are going nuts and you just want to run and hide far away from them and yourself.

I was in a relatinship on again and off again with a N for 8 years and he never got knock down drag out physical but I was scared to death and still am, if he crossed a certain line then he would be angry enough to hurt me really bad! He used to use the same phase " Just wait and see" I finally moved far enough away, that he couldn't find me unless he really tried, he doesn't work and he doesn't drive so that made it easy to move away but I still keep looking behind me just in case. These people are just plain crazy and everyone knows it but them and some of them like mine told everyone that he was nuts but he didn't really believe it. They really believe everyone else is nuts and they are sane. It is very hard to be in a normal healthy relationship with these kinds of people, I tried telling myself for years that is was just loneliness that kept me going back for more but mostly I was scared to be me, I am not scared anymore. If you think he will hurt you then get whatever you need to get far away from him. You deserve the best that life has to offer. Don't ever forget that YOU deserve the best!

Have a great week!

[sunnydeeelite]

You guys are right. I don't believe they can be healed. It would take actually going in and repairing their brains. It's so funny, how they all have similar characteristics, like people with Parkinsons, or other disorders, there are distinct characteristics that come with the disorders. So I think that Narcissism should be classified as an actual DISEASE.
The movie Dawn of the Dead is coming out this weekend I think. And I  was thinking about how alot of classic narcissists resemble them. They don't seem to serve much purpose, except to gratify themselves, and they cause much carnage and destruction with the people they come in contact with. THANKFULLY yours doesn't have a vehicle, Kelly. Mine has one, which sucks. He works hard to not have to work, he says he has a job, driving a limo, on the weekends, then sits at home all week online trying to hook up with women, using his kids for the glory of being able to say "I HAVE CUSTODY OF MY KIDS". While they go without clothes, proper nutrition, and for God's sake, toilet paper. The kids complained they had nothing to wipe with for 5 days, and their little butts were covered with feces. They didn't have a bath for 5 days either. Their Mom called DFACS. Did no good. I guess I stay in contact for the kids, but I need to let go.
I called his bluff on the phone bill, told him I had a copy and KNEW that I didnt owe all the money he said I owed. He agreed, since this week he isn't struggling for money, he didnt have much of a reason to argue.
 Sorry to go ona nd on like this guys, but it feels so good to get it all out with others who understand. I hope I can help you guys in some way as well. We all need to start a Narcissist annual get together. A pow wow of sorts! I think I might try to start that!!!!!  

But guys, has it been hard for you, to break away? I get confused, it's as though he pulls me in, spits me out over and over again, and I feel like an emotional basket case. he's nice, then mean, nice, then mean. It's like an addiction. I just can't break away completely!

Wildflower, Kelly, thanks for the advice and concern. I hop everyone is having a great day today. As for me? It's another day of him manipulating and me falling for it.
If anyone knows of a good way to get out of this craziness, please let me know.




[/quote]

[seeker]

Hi Sunnydeelite

You wrote:

But guys, has it been hard for you, to break away? I get confused, it's as though he pulls me in, spits me out over and over again, and I feel like an emotional basket case. he's nice, then mean, nice, then mean. It's like an addiction. I just can't break away completely!

As I read your post, the oldie "Set Me Free" by the Supremes comes to mind.   Remember that one?  Diana Ross sounds pretty angry, frustrated and desperate.  For good reason.

My definition of evil was forming intuitively when I would read about terrorists and Hitler and certain criminals.  Then, while watching a PBS show about religion after 9/11 or spirituality (can't recall the title), it came to me.  Evil is when one treats other forms of life as things or objects.  When you dehumanize another.  That's it for me.  Later I read People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck and there it was, full validation of how I was feeling.  

Also read a book called Psychic Vampires    which pretty much sealed the deal for me regarding the vicious N in my life.  The relationship was drained of all love years before and the rest was just keeping up appearances.  

Please do take care of yourself.  Hope these book recommendations might be useful.  Seeker

[kelly8893]

Trying to get away from a N is very difficult unless you do it all or nothing!
I wish I had a better way or idea but believe me, I tried being friends and helping when I could but that just makes you feel just as bad if not worse after he chews for a little while, then spites you out again. The problem is that they will never, never, never, change!!!! When you can little by little get away and only think about you and your child then you can do more bigger steps! It takes time and patience with yourself and sooner or later you will figure out he won't ever change what he is doing. You can only change what you do?! Right?! These people hate change and he will try other ways to get you hooked again but in the end he is still the same and you are worse for the wear!!!  There are people who love you and they want to see you in a healthy loving relationship and if you can focus on that and just do baby steps eventually you will be on the other side and he will be still where you left him no worse for wear because these people do not care the same as us infact they don't care at all, they only care about the supply and the newer the better!!!!! I wish I had better news but after 8 years mine is still the same as when I met him just worse. He has perfected his N down to an art, his new girlfriend has been with him for 1 1/2 years and he has only worked 5 months of that.  They feed off people and are very sick, probably more sick then people with parkinsons.
Good luck and Have a great week!
Kelly