Hi Hops:
Been reading your advice lately and bobbing my head in agreement. Nothing more to add or at least my brain hasn't been bursting with stuff to write so I've just been reading and learning.
So sorry you're going through this blue period. No fun, that's for sure. This is a hard time of year for a lot of people, I think. Winter blahs, isn't it called? I've felt similar stuff and had similar thoughts as what you've written. Here's what helped me, in case it might be of use to you too:
I'm pretty out of sorts today.
I know I need to think stuff like: "This is ok and normal. No one has day after day of pure wonderous joy (well....most people don't anyhow eh?). I have a lot of responsibility taking care of my mom and it's ok to feel the weight of that, at times."
I feel disgusted with myself.
I've said this about myself but what I really meant is that I feel disgusted with my behaviour. As a person, I'm still ok, in my head. I can change my behaviour, so all is not lost! (if it's myself I really think is rotten to the core, then I know I need to go do some work on my self-esteem).
I've gone paralysed about paperwork (including bill paying) and am completely stuck on the threshold of simply picking up the pieces of paper (now have a cratefull) and doing what needs to be done with them.
When something looks like a mountain it seems waaaaaaay too big for me to climb and I get that stuck feeling too. The only way I've found to beat the mountain is to break it down into small uphill runs. So, in this case I might tell myself: "I am going to tackle the first 5 bills, small stack of paper/whatnot...one hour from now" and then, 15 min later, remind myself: "I will be doing those 5 bills in 45 min" and again, 15 min later, "Just a half hour until I get to those 5 bills" and 15 more min...."In 15 min I will be doing those 5 bills and feeling good about it!!"
Sometimes, I have to break stuff down into the smallest goals/tasks in order to get a thing done. Otherwise, it just seems overwhelming. Funny enough, once I do set the tiniest plan in action, it usually ends up with me doing it and finding it not nearly as bad as I thought it would be and often too.....doing more than I had planned.
I usually celebrate with a nice cuppa tea after those 5 bills are done and a few kind thoughts about myself and then I think about the next batch, set a time, an exact goal and then, remind myself some more. I really do have to nag myself sometimes....to do the simplest stuff. Like anything, it's consistency that helps get the job done.
I am watching TV, way too much.
For me, this may mean I'm lacking energy and I might need to get some multivitamins and drink more water. It may mean I'm starting to get depressed and I need to talk with someone, write stuff down or go pound my bongo drums for awhile. Or it might just be a bit of a bad habit, which I will need to focus on changing. I can decide to limit my tv time and go do something else for the rest of the time and remind myself, as above, of my decision.
I have been overeating and not exercising so my clothes don't fit and I'm walking around with a wedgie.
But you haven't lost your sense of humour so horray for that!! Ok. So again, all I can do to get motivated is
make a decision to do the smallest thing. I might decide I will at least go for a 5 min walk. Write notes to remind myself. Put my shoes where I can't miss them as a reminder. Nag nag nag!! It's all in my head. I can indeed decide what I will do. I am not a prisoner in some jail cell. I have the power to move!
The food. The food!! I lllloooooooooove food! It's my biggest enemy!! I gain weight looking at food! And I love to cook! But.....
I do have to nag and remind and nag and remind myself that I looooooove health most! That I am in charge (not the food) and that I can make little changes that will add up to whole lot, in time. Eat more fruit! End my meal with a small salad. Promise myself I'll eat an apple a day! And drink that water!!
The monotony of going home to my mother every night about makes me want to scream.
But I have to fix her dinner.
Could you play some of your favorite music, while you prepare the dinner? Sing along maybe? This probably isn't the healthiest but maybe substitute the odd prepared or frozen meal, while you crunch on carrots and slurp yogurt, reading your favorite magazine? Can you experiment on her with your new recipes? (sounds almost cruel!!
But I bet you're a good cook Hops!!). How about making a number of meals at once and freezing them ahead? Give yourself a night off, sort of, if you only have to heat up a meal?
I have been doing some weird in-the-night getting up and eating, and I don't remember it.
I know it's from taking Ambien, without which I can't go to sleep.
Can you check with your doc? Is there something else you can take? Why can't you fall asleep? Is that being addressed? Have you had a sleep study? I went through a period where this was a problem and I solved it by reading the most boring thing I could find, lying in bed, until sleep was just better. Trouble sleeping can be another sign of depression Hops. Are you getting enough vitamin D/taking in some sunshine?
I hope some of this helps and if not.....see if you can at least.....lose the disgusted with yourself thoughts. Those aren't helping and I know you are very far from a disgusting person. We all have down time, maybe you just need divide it all up into small tasks, instead of this great load that it feels like. Pick one thing and make your mind up to do it and then don't forget to give yourself credit for doing something to help yourself!!
(((((((((Hoppy)))))))))
Small small steps. There I go nagging again. It works for me but maybe not everybody. It just makes sense to me when stuff builds up and looks like a big mess, to tidy up a little at a time.
Sending you a big bottle of motivation and a shiney red apple! (full of pectin and vitamin C ...all sweet and juicy!)
Sela
