Fear of the unknown

[Lupita]

I have very little time in here in comparison with those member that are heroes and probably know as much as the professional therapists. But I think that part of the problem with people who stay with an NH is because they have fear of the unknown. It is fear of the unknown. We have choices but we are afraid to choose. We prefair that other people choose for us. It does not happen to me with men, because I have managed to stay alone for 15 years. I m 51 now. But it happens in jobs. I stay in a job because I am afraid. To start in a new place, what if it does not work. At least I know that this job that I have I only have to endure disrespect from my first period class. What if I go to another school and I get two bad periods instead of one? What if I change careers and somebody puts me in trouble with the low for giving 50% dilution instead of 0.5 dilution to a patient? I have fear. Fear of the unknown. And that fear prevents me to make changes. But many people like hops and storm, and CB say that we can have small changes. So maybe little by little we can start.
Please, if I say something that has lack of empathy, please, correct me, please give me a slap, please, give me a kick in the but, scold me, but please do not ginore me. I really want to learn to give an opinion with out hurting.
So, to rap this up I think it is fear why we stay in whatever is hurting us.
Lupita

[Leah]

Hi Lupita,
Have you talked to a doctor?

Social security disability doesn't depend on having insurance...

I know it's inadequate though.

I'd also urge you to find a women's center and start attending a support group once a week.

When I was most desperate about my D needing help, and having no insurance, I sent her a list (I included 12-steps because in some way, most of us can identify with at least one of the issues, and they'd be kind and supportive even if you weren't a perfect fit):
AA, Overeaters A, ACOA, CoDA, etc
church groups, including adult RE classes (those are often good places to build friendships)
counseling, and if it's unaffordable, find a mental health ctr, a school of social work, a temple, an anything
weight watchers (why not? a bunch of supportive cheering women trying to empower each other)
walking or hiking groups (exercise helps depression and nature heals)

etc

Never give up, never assume you have no choices, and never assume you can find no human contact

In fact, when you're this depressed, Lupita, nothing could be more important than not isolating

Volunteer. Just a bit, and in a low-stress environment. I help host the homeless every few months. Talk bout perspective...

Just wanting you to see solutions, even partial ones, and start grabbing on...

Hops

Dear Hops,
Thank you so much. Please, do not think that I am crazy. Just confused. I do not want to think on any kind of disability because I have a dream.  I want to own a house,  I want to become a psychiatrist,  I dream and dream about achievements, and disability would be in the way.

Nobody can purchase a home with a small fixed income. How can I go back to school with out money? I want to fix my self. With your help and the nice people in this board I might probably be able to have almost the same as councelling. Am I right?
I rememeber when I was a child and took piano lessons and for the year recital I was shaking, in horrible fear, and friends told me why do you do it? You dont have to do it. Then I said, "I have to". Why? I dont know. I am sure you know. I almost know that you can tell me why I do what I do. It seems that you have a cristal ball. So help me out here. Thanks. Love to you.
Lupita

Dear (((( Lupita ))))

I have very little time in here in comparison with those member that are heroes and probably know as much as the professional therapists.

First of all, the 'Hero' tag is purely automated upon reaching a total of 500 posts, which can be attained in a relatively short period of time ........ please don't place any emphasis on the tag. 

we can have small changes. So maybe little by little we can start.

Small changes along my journey four years ago, has got me to the place where I stand at today .... it did not happen overnight. 

Everyone here has invested time in Researching, Reading, Resting .... then Reading some more ........ the Internet is packed with helpful freely available resources ....... never ceases to amaze me just how liberating this really is .... for everyone.

Your feelings of Fear and Anxiety - Fear of the Unknown ..... are a stumbling block in starting off the process of making small changes.

Hops has given you some sound advice ........ can't really add much to the wise advice already given.

Volunteering in your community ...... I did that to start off with, and today, still enjoy my voluntary work, meeting so many people from all walks in life .....  highly recommend this Lupita.

With your aspiration to become a psychiatrist ........... voluntary work is the perfect place to start .... the first small step.

Free-time groups such as a walking group is wonderful ..... and I speak from experience.

So many free options ....... solutions .......  "dip your toe into the water"  ........ you'll be so glad you took that first small step.

(((Leah)))

[reallyME]

Lupita,

many times people will not leave a bad situation for a new one, also, because they have a personality disorder, known as AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER.  There is quite a bit of information on this, on the internet. 

~L

[debkor]

Lupita,

Yes I agree to some point we have fear of the unknown. 

Sometimes we need a plan to get out for different reasons.  Could be for financial reasons, emotional reasons, it could be both. We are already living in (fear of the unknown) when we live with a N cause God knows we never knew who they were to begin with.  We were in love with someone other then them.  The real them. We fell in love with the image they portrayed to be. When we saw the real self we were already in to deep for reasons that are different for all of us.
It's as if they promised us the world only to find out we woke up in the outer limits and are suffering with space dementia.
Now we are trying to get back to earth and so afraid of taking that long trip alone.

Fear of the unknown comes from everywhere with everything. 
If I'm in the dark and know there may be a cliff somewhere along the line that I may fall over the edge if I'm not carefull but I want to get to the other side I'm going to do it but with baby steps.  Feel my way carefully to the other side.

Some people who are living with the N didn't get to take those baby steps carefully to the other side.  Before they had a plan or a chance to start one they were thrown off the cliff.  What I mean is that the N's up and walked out on them.
They look around and they don't know where they are and how to get out. They start climbing up the cliff, hurt, devastated, in unfamiliar territory. What will they find when they get to the top cause they know what threw them to the bottom. So everthing they thought they knew turned out to not be the case.  The fear of the unknown gets greater.

We are all trying to recondition ourselves and get beyond that fear of the unknown.  We are putting our toe in the water, then maybe to our knees but we all want to get to the point were we are swimming laps.

Sometimes our comfy zones are not so good but what we felt comfortable with. Not happy, not fullfilled just there.
This has become unacceptable to us now.  We don't want to be just comfy anymore.  We want to live to our fullest potential. We want to be happy.
That is why sometimes we rage, we laugh, we analyze, we question.  We are freeing ourselves to become whatever we want to be.  We are getting to know ourselves. We are learning to love ourselves. We are liking ourselves. We are understanding ourselves
and we are learning to trust ourselves. The unknown gets less fearfull in time and we welcome it sometimes.  But don't forget, we are not alone like we thought we were.  We all hold each others hands here and it makes it less fearfull.
So it's nice to see people at the other side who has already crossed waiting for the ones that is just ready to take that baby step, ease their fears and cheer them on to keep going. Showing them a new life and it can be good.

Love Deb

[Lupita]

Walking friends? Where do I get walking friends? I go to the gym. Have a few people I say hi. WE get together once every two weks and do things we like. Like discuss books, take a dance lesson, or go to a concert. That is it. I go to the gym Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Spend three hours there. Come home so tired that I go to bed. I go to church on Sunday and talk to people there, pray. Study the bible. Everybody is married. The couple of people I know that are single we get together one every two weeks. Sometimes I call a friend and we go to the movies, once a month.
My beginning for real is coming here, read about this, and started reading books like children of the slef ansorbed and trapped in the mirror.
I wark full time as a high school teacher, give piano lessons after school, go to the gym, come here, read books, I do not have more time evailable.
I do not what to tell you dear friends. I have a very bad day today.
But it is great to come here a talk about it, and to kow that you will give me some kind of answer, opinion, support God bless you. Please, dont stop helping.
Thank you.
Lupita

[Lupita]

Naybe the depression is taking all the energy. Maybe it is confussion. I dont know.

[isittoolate]

Hi Lupita,

I am 67 and have spent 37 of those years in a wheelchair. (Well it will be 38 years this year when I turn 68.) I am a senior citizen.

I didn't/don't have near the opportuntie as you do. So think about that.

I was downtown today and wanted a pamphlet from a display. I had to ask a passer-by for Help, as the lid to the top row was too high for me.

I also have to ask for help from strangers in the grocery store because top shelves are too high.

I live alone and work alone at home. I chat, for short times with strangers on the street, or store clerks, and sometimes with a workmate. Mainly the workmates email me as I require in writing what I am asked to do.

Some places are inaccessible, like the United Chuch, just a block away. Oh! It has a ramp, I will grant you, but the ramp goes to a locked door. Rather than become upset over things like this, I stay at home.

I have a car and drive to places I know are accessible and my car is the equalizer on the streets, highways and byways.

My daughter was raised by a mother in a wheelchair (from age 6). Was I  a shame to her? I don't know but we are now partially estranged and have been since she was 18-19. She is now 42 and I have 3 grandchildren I don't know.

Fear of the unknown? Well, to me that is for when I die alone. I feel I must find some stranger, maybe in a Funeral Home, who will see that I am cremated and ........................................................................

Meanwhile I keep on keeping on!

Sometimes I think that whatever happens is meant to be..............think about this..................

I was an office worker, just Grade 13 Education in 1956.  Look at thiings today!!!! Where would I be, still being an office worker,  at less that $100.00 per week, no computer experience, whatever.

On my own I learned computer and have been able to survive because I was in that car crash that broke my back, and I sued for damages. Then I could raise my daughter, buy us a house, buy myself a computer, and live the rest of my life without having to worry about jobs, BUT which would anyone prefer???--money or abillty to walk/hike/dance/swim/dive/vacuum/move furniture/dust the chandelier/have a stand-up shower instead of a bath/and on and on......................

Walking or not we can become depressed, so I hope you think about all the positives in your life.. make a list and be thankful

Best Wishes
Izzy

[Lupita]

Sorry. Thank you for the time to write. Thank you for your advises. I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I wish I could feel well, I wish, just dont know why, I feel sad, and lonely. I wish I did not feel this way. I beg the Lord to forgive me, but still i feel bad. Sorry.

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

I commend Izzy for writing so frankly to you ........ Izzy has done that as a way of a great kindness to you.

For you do have much to be glad about ...... as I do too.

How about about replacing the word 'sad'

with the word 'glad'

Write down a list of each little thing that you can be 'glad' about ........

Trust me, you have so much, you really do.

And what you maybe don't like ........ you can work on changing.

Go for it Lupita.

(((Leah)))

[debkor]

WOW IZZY!!!

You inspire me. You are an amazing woman.

Love Deb

[Lupita]

True!!!! IZZI is admirable!!!! But for some reason, knowing that others are in disadvantage does not make people feel better. if that was the case, famous, rich, beautiful actors and actreces, would not be depressed, or commite suicide, or use drugs, etc. My poor brother has a son who is 18 years old. My nephew. He is invalid. Walks with difficulty. Extreme difficulty. His spine is curved and he cannot stand strait. My brother is debastated. I feel evry sorry for my brother. I love him very much. I pray ofr my nephew every day. Still i feel depressed. Sad and lonely. The fact that my mom never loved me the way i would have wanted, is going to be there forever. My cousin 33 years old died last year of a brain tumor. I loved her very much. My aunt will never recover from the loss of my cousin. I feel sorry for my aunt. Still, I do not feel better because I do not have a tumor in my brain.
I have something good. I left my N hasband 15 years ago and stayed alone all this time. Did not sick for a man to give me problems. But, again, I do not believe that the disgrace of others can make other people feel better. That does not happen.
But I will follow the advise before. Start writing good things to thank the Lord for. I might start a new topic with that. Thank you for your help. thank you for this place.
Lupita

[Leah]

WOW IZZY!!!

You inspire me. You are an amazing woman.

Love Deb


She has inspired me no end this last week or so.

And many changes have been made.

God Bless you Izzy

((((  Leah ))))

[isittoolate]

Thank yoou LeahsRainbow and debkor

I appreciate your comments, as they make me feel worthwhile.

Not one member of my family has ever said anything like that. (I think they are all afraid about who has to take me in when I am feeble and drooling on my running shoes. They won't have to. I've made my plans. I just won't drool)

As far as a disabilty goes, I have been one of the lucky ones. I still have a brain---but it is somewhat muddled about voicelessness and shame.

Keep trying. Lupita

xx
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
I think you're taking steps.

I'll try something a little rough, but it often helped me when the amazing Amazon-wacky woman who led the first women's support group I was in, used to say it to me. Approximately, it went:

So Hops you're really really depressed. You see now that this N never loved you and never will.

[me: Yes. It hurts so much and I am so unbearably sad. I don't know how I'll ever get over this.]

Leader: What is it that you get out of being so sad?

[me: Huh?]

She:
Why is it that you are so intensely attached to your sadness?

What choices would you have if you did not spend time and energy thinking about how this N did not and never will love you?

What thoughts might you think if you were not busy thinking about how this N did not and never will love you?

What would you do? Would you see plants in the spring? Would you ever see the rain?
Would you notice the sun coming up, or going down? Would you hear birds sing? Would you hear music? Would you see light reflecting in a stream of water coming from the tap?

What would you do with all the energy you now put into not enjoying your life?
You don't have to stop not enjoying your life. You can decide not to enjoy your life every morning. Is it completely up to you whether you decide to find a way to enjoy your life or not.

What thoughts might you think if you were not thinking about how this N did not love you and never will?

Etc.
She was relentless. But she woke me up to my responsibility for FIGHTING my depression.

I don't always win. You've seen me feeling blue here. And I absolutely could not do it alone and I still cannot do it alone. I don't expect myself to either. Nor should you. I am so glad you're here.

I've finally come to understand that the way I FEEL is only an emtional FEELING.

It's not the sum total of me as a human being.

I'm running out of steam but I want to say, FIGHT, Lupita.

Fight for your life.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

But for some reason, knowing that others are in disadvantage does not make people feel better.

Lupita - I agree 100%.  I think the suggestion of writing down things you are glad for is a good one.  When I first heard that suggestion it only fueled my resentments but I have learned over the years that focusing on what I am thankful for REALLY does begin to change the way I feel. 

As soon as I think, "I am thankful for ...." the resentment whispers, "but I don't have..... and that is so unfair."  And so I have to repeat the thanful phrase louder and over and over until I hear that voice and drown out the resentment voice.  It is not easy but boy is it worth it. - GS