October - I had an experience a few years ago that your words strongly remind me of. I don't know enough about your situation to go so far as to say it's similar, but what you've said certainly strikes a chord.
I'm in my mid-to-late twenties, and only fully escaped my parents (NPD mom) six years ago. My first year away was kind of like walking out of a spooky forest filled with wild beasts into a kinder, gentler world - I was honestly shocked at how people all seemed normal, treated me kindly (ie they never treated me like my parents had), and got through life without nearly as much effort as I put into it.
In my second year away, I started going through a rough period that would end up lasting three years. Now that I know about PTSD and how it relates to being a child of a parent with NPD, I'm almost certain that was what I had - I didn't have access to counseling though (language, money and insurance issues. Try describing all the complexities of an emotionally and psychologically abusive childhood in a foreign language!
) My husband and I were married and living far away from my family. It was as if I had a rug pulled out from under me. I was depressed, had paranoid tendencies, was afraid to talk with people, avoided going out as much as possible, and couldn't stop the onslaught of "inner N-parent" voices. Panic, fear, anxiety were with me every day, and not having any idea what to do, I tried disciplining myself into not having those feelings.
The attempt at discipline only made it worse. Finally, near the beginning of my third year and at the worst I can remember - being paralyzed by anxiety, shame, guilt, fear, you name it - I just said "Fine. I'm afraid. So I'll be afraid." And I let the fear wash over me without trying to stop it. I cried like never before, clear memories of my mother wrongly accusing me and my father just letting it happen came to mind, anger built up and I let that come too, without trying to stop it. It was frightening... but it was also freeing. I felt better for the first time in years, even though I had no clear idea why.
I found out not much later by coincidence that acknowledging one's feelings without judgment is actually an excellent way of healing, because you give yourself voice that way. I started doing meditation - not for religious reasons, but as a way of observing my emotions and accepting them for what they were. In that last "bad" year, even though I was depressed, I saw it for what it was: pulling myself out of the hole, just by learning how to identify and acknowledge my emotions, no matter how frightening.
Have you tried accepting those emotions, without judgment, just letting yourself be as you are? By acknowledging yourself and accepting yourself as your parents never did, you give yourself a voice. I was also genuinely surprised at how many more childhood memories came back when I did it, and even though they're painful, they've allowed me to identify with others, find validation and finally have a voice, however shy and incertain it is
