question-- Why didn't I ---?????

[isittoolate]

Hi all,

I would like to hear everyone’s opinion on why I didn’t hug my mother. Most of you know  about me—but..... let’s see….

I was 8 years old: it was 10 months after my baby brother died and we had moved to another farm (with amenities) Dad and 4 of the kids were in the kitchen: I was upstairs. I came downstairs and in the hallway my mother sat beside the furnace vent and was crying.  ***This is where I ought to have hugged her?***??????

I don’t know if I had ever seen her cry before. I have a feeling that I paused ever so slightly then walked on to the kitchen, which two doors were closed, and joined the others.

Then my mother, shortly, opened a door, reached around the side drawers of the kitchen cabinet, grabbed my Blo-YR-Top (25¢ and one Corn flakes box top) and heaved it across the kitchen, smashing it to pieces.

As she was unpacking things, she came across the ribbon from the wreath from her mother’s funeral and the ribbon from  little Johnnie’s funeral; how I found that out I don’t know—but she was crying and no one gave her a second thought.

I remember that and it makes me sad and I’ll bet that is a shame-inducing moment.

Izzy

[pennyplant]

I don't know Izzy.  There's a lot going on there.

Did anyone ever hug you?  Was hugging a normal part of the day for you?

Your mother's feelings that she was trying to deal with had to be completely overwhelming and huge.  Maybe you also felt overwhelmed in that moment.  Maybe sensing how close to the edge she was.

Didn't you "fear" your parents or feel intimidated by them?  That is how I felt about my parents and they didn't do the kinds of things your parents did, didn't have the kinds of burdens your parents had.  Maybe something in you was afraid.

Maybe she would have pushed you away.

I don't know how anybody can contemplate the death of a child.

Well, I think I would have been very surprised if you had thought to hug her and then actually did it given the history of your family.

I am always surprised by people who were raised  similar to the way I was and somehow they knew that mom and dad were supposed to be nicer or kinder or softer or loving.  I never knew that!  I have talked to people who figured it out as children but I can't imagine how they did that.

It could well be a shame-inducing moment for you but maybe for more reasons than not having comforted her.  I guess if it had been me in that situation, I would feel ashamed or guilty that my mother lost the child she really cared for instead of losing me who she didn't care for.

Maybe because it was your toy she broke--that somehow made you feel responsible?  Though likely she grabbed that particular toy by accident.  Just the first thing she found to throw.

This memory has made a huge impression on you.  For that reason alone, I would think it is important to figure it out.

Pennyplant

[isittoolate]

Thank you pennyplant

Your response gives me things to ponder.

i don't have to ponder, though, about never being hugged. I sure don't remember that..................but it is strange that in very short pause of mine I wanted to hug her, but kept on walking!

She might not have pushed me away. She might have welcomed a hug. Who knows now?

There was no talk about Johnnie's death so I don't/didn't know how they felt.

She promised afterward to replace my toy, but she didn't-- I expect the offer had expired and a new one was on. I remember ordering a jet plane ring--25¢ + 1 box top--

PPThough likely she grabbed that particular toy by accident.  Just the first thing she found to throw.

I believe this!!

Ther memory leaves an impression, because of what I said, but ALSO, that everyone else was in the kitchen with the doors closed and , for the most part, thise doors were alwast open!!!!

Life's a bitch!
Izzy

[Lupita]

The same way when you visit a home you need to feel welcome in that home to visit it again, when we are born, we need to be welcome into this world. Once we feel unwelcome into this world, (our mother is the most important person to welcome us), that feeling produces an emptiness and abandonment that never goes away. Babies know. The feeling of abandonemnet that we provoke in a baby when we leave him crying a long time before we satisfy his or her needs, also, is very important. I believe that one of the most important facts to create a human being that feels happy, is to welcome him into this world. Or the lonelyness will accompany us ofr the rest of our lives.

[reallyME]

As I again read these posts that come up every once in a while, I have to put in my two cents. 

Narcissists can NOT love, period.  That receptor in their brain never connected way back when.  They are incapable of loving anything other than a false-image of themselves or the cartoon-versions that they believe they have succeeded in creating of others.  As painful as it may sound to some of you, especially those whose parents are pathological, full-fledged N's, they do not, did not and, barring a miracle of God, will not ever know how to love you.  It's hard, it's cold, but it's sadly the truth.

So, to the one on here who said your mother remarried, had a girl child and loves that child...please don't kid yourself.  She does NOT.  She may treat that child better, even imitating some loving gestures, but if your "mother" (I say that loosely), is a true pathological narcissist, 100%, she does not love that child; she merely goes through motions.

Remember though...that's on THEM not you.  You didn't do anything to cause them NOT to love you.  You just were born and raised by a self-absorbed person, who GOD is the only one that can change them.

~Laura

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy - a child interprets everything personally.  To have YOUR toy smashed immediately after getting past your grieving mother would have been internalized traumatically.  There is something of a sense of being overwhelmed by your mother's grief and the inability yet expectation of soothing her were too much for a child and then immediately to pay the price in such a violent way.  Smashing a toy is violent. 

This is a terrifying, terrifying experience you describe.  I am so very sorry.  But I think you are very wise to follow it deep into that painful wound.  Stay with it - that is so important and you can find true healing in this way. - your friend - gaining strength

[isittoolate]

Hi to all my posters

When I think of this incident now, I think that if I had hugged her, it might have been okay and she would feel somewhat comforted. But we were not a hugging family...pennyplant-so what I did was 'normal' for our dysfuntional ways.

To think of dad and 4 siblings sitting in the kitchen with both doors closed is as though her grief didn't matter. Then I come by and keep going to join the majority, and her grief changed to anger (to have smashed that toy) Dad really ought to have been comforting her-- but we never saw intimacy between them and I doubt they grieved together. Mom's aloneness in the hallway is sad but she was likely angry at the closed kitchen doors, too --LeahsRainbow---I can see her feeling shut out and alone in her grief.

At the time, I took it all personally, as I passed her and she broke my toy. I recall a 'jump' inside me, but I did nothing else, except feel fear, guilt, rejection, I had 'misbehaved' and was  'alone in the whole mess' because the stage was set when I entered the scene.

I have always been sensitive, looked guilty when I wasn't and took things too personally...CB and GS

When I have these memories, I see the entire picture, again through my eyes, as it happened.

Yes, I think this incident tells s lot.

Love all
Izzy

[gratitude28]

At the same time, the little people were not allowed to express their emotions.  Anger was called disrespectful.  Sadness was admonished to think of other people who have REAL problems.  I didnt really know, at age 8, how to respond to anybody's emotions--mine or my parents.  It was like walking through a minefield.  And I always felt guilty--for their emotions and for mine. 

Once again, CB has put into words what I have never been able to express.

Izzy, I think this hits the nail on the head. Also... and this might sound a bit callous, but do you think there is a chane your mother was being overly dramatic and you realized that... that you didn't want to be part of the game? I have read a lot about your dad here, but not so much about your mom... but this is the impression I get. And throwing and breaking things is childish, even when one is very upset. (I can see doing it if a spouse cheated, say, but not over a death. It seems a bit odd to me). I may be way off base here...

I think CB is as close to giving you the truth of the situation as anyone could be.

((((Izzy)))))))))

[isittoolate]

no Beth,

She was not being dramatic. She was NOT one to throw things, ever!!!!! She was hurting real bad at this point!!!

And CB is right that I was a mixture of all kinds of emotions because of everything and didn't know what to do with them.

I wonder just how many people in that room were angry at the time of the throwing of the toy! 7 people, 1crying and throwing, 1 more silent adult and 5 mixed up kids, and no explanation----no showing of love and support---the love and support were never there!!

Izzy

[gratitude28]

And even for a more "normal" family, this would be a very difficult time. Even with those who are accustomed to emotions, the death of a child has to be murky waters for all concerned. I am sorry for the loss to your family. What happened to your brother?

Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

hi Beth

I am working on the Websites-- 

.... and not signing off my time for my short messages here.

Johnnie had acute leukemia, was ill 3 weeks then died at 6 ½ months.

He would be 61 now, but I have another brother, big tall strapping guy who was in the Ontario Provincial Police force! He is the youngest now and I call him my big, little brother!

love   
Izzy