It’s an answer to prayer that I found this website and forum. I have two narcissists in my life -- one is my husband whom I’ve been with 15 years, the other my stepmother who has been with my father for 20 years. It’s taken me a very long time to finally see that that is what they are and to begin to make sense of many things in my life. With my husband, I’ve always felt blown off, that who I am and what I want does not matter. My sole purpose is to take care of the menial things he’s too important to do, cater to his whims and bail him out of messes. I’ve felt ignored, angry and crazy. He’s hugely irresponsible and does not have much of a conscience. He is king of blame, avoid, deny. He lives in a little bubble which cannot be tampered with at all, especially with reality. People and circumstances must conform to his world. I feel I suffer alone because he is very likable. He gets along well with people and he’s very funny and fun, but there’s very little depth to him at all. I would even say that beyond that persona, there is very little to him at all.
He usually ignores what I do or what I’m interested in and is “supportive” as long as it doesn’t cost him anything and it does not interfere with who he thinks I should be. He has in the past, however, sobotaged things that I’ve wanted to do (like go for my master’s degree) in a very passive, subtle way. At the same time he ignores me, I also feel he wants to suck all the emotional energy out of me. Just his mere presence in a room is so demanding -- I find I make little eye contact with him. I struggle immensely with the relationship that is (or isn’t) developing between him and our five year old son. I don’t know whether it would be better for him to stay or leave. My husband has a 20 year old daughter who he abandoned when she was four. He owes a substantial amount of child support to her mother and I’m sure his daughter has lots of hurt and pain associated with his absence in her life. I’m not sure which is worst -- being with him or not with him. I stay because I like being a stay-at-home-mom, I’m afraid of what’s out there, and I’m not sure I could support us.
We’ve been for counseling more than once (at my insistence), but it’s changed nothing. In fact, he would use things I’d share during our sessions against me later to prove our problems are my fault and that I’m defective. His narcissism became worse (if that’s possible) when he finally found success in a career (he’s in sales) and when he got “saved” three years ago. I admit I had an inkling of hope when, in his words, he decided to follow the Lord. Nothing about his character has changed, in fact, he’s even more assured of his importance and I can tell he believes he’s arrived spiritually, financially and socially. I’ve struggled with anger toward God -- it would seem even He mocked my pain by allowing my husband to rise to positions of importance within religious rganizations. However, I feel deep inside that God is leading me down the path of healing.
My first moment of seeing that I’m not crazy was when I came upon an article online that talked about narcissism and about how others felt being in relationship with narcissists. I wept. These people were describing exactly how I was feeling -- I was not alone and there was something to call it. However, not being a therapist, I retained some doubts. My husband and I were in counseling together for the second time since our son had been born (he was three at the time). Our counselor suggested we each also do individual work and she referred me to a woman who had ironically counselled us together before so there was some groundwork already in place. With my new insight, I asked this counselor if she thought my husband was narcissistic. I was so nervous and afraid to ask that question because a part of me was waiting for the response to be “no.” If he wasn’t narcissistic, then everything he has tried to maintain -- everything is my fault -- I’m the one who’s not happy so I’m the one with the problem -- was true. To my relief, she agreed with me. She loaned me “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists,” which further helped me see and understand that while I have my own stuff, I’m not crazy. Reading the articles on this website has also been helpful. I really related to the “Little Voice.” I believe the anger and resentment I feel is due to not feeling I have a voice (I used to be the little door mouse). I want to know I have a voice, even when someone is trying to squash it. I want to harmonize my having a voice with my faith in God -- that I can separate knowing I’m a fallen, sinful person and the shame I’ve felt because I exist. I read where someone was reading “Healing the Shame that Binds You” and my library has a copy of it and I’m eager to read it myself. I also want desperately to make sure my son feels he has a voice. I want this curse to end with this generation and I know by the strength of God it can happen.
Thank you for allowing me to speak -- I didn’t realize how long this post was going to be. It’s comforting knowing there are others who know how I feel.
Rachel
