In the news today.

[Lupita]

During having my coffee and reading here before going to work, the news mentioned that several universities carried out a study about narcissism and results showed that has increased a 30% due to the new ways on education that parents and teachers are telling the kids constantly "you are special". And that now teachers cannot tell a child you are lazy but all you can tell is you are not developing your potential,  that parents go to jail if they spank their children, and children threaten parents to call the social workers if they punish them, etc.

[Lupita]

In 20 years we will pay the consequences of this new trend in education. This will have very bad consequences in our future adults.

[debkor]

Lupita,

I know when my child is up to potential and not. So does the teachers in his school.

I have never been afraid of punishing my child.  I go hand in hand with the teachers in his school. If he did not finish a report and loses free time in school, he also loses free time in my house. 
Just because he is in school for 8 hours does not mean that I turn him over to them and it's their problem while he's there.  I know alot of parents who act this way. They hand over their parent responsibilities to the teacher.  You fix him, You deal with him.  He will not become my child until 3pm.
Lupita my kid could call the marines, the army, the president and he still would get punished.  I would even give him the (what is it now) 35Cents to make the call.

I would not want to be a teacher in these days.  It seems like there is so much lack of support from parents anymore.
So you Lupita are Special. People can have a degree but it does not make them a teacher it just gives them a job.  You on the other hand are a natural teacher it's not all about the paycheck. You should be proud.
And God knows teachers are so under paid. The most important job and the least money.


Love Deb

[Gaining Strength]

narcissism's origins are not in loving support but in the scourge of neglect and abuse. 

[Lupita]

I just read that nacissism could come from adoration of a child. Lack of discipline, that could produce a sense of entitlement. I am jus starting recently here and dont know as much as many of you. Maybe somebody can tell me if thst is not considered correct. Thanks.

[reallyME]

Lupita,

I'd have to agree with you on what you posted here.  Excessive adoration of a child, spoiling with material things, letting them join every club and organization, and telling them how much better than the other children they are, most likely produce a self-absorbed, self-centered child who looks down on everyone else. 

The main issue of Narcissistic Personality Disorder though, is that, not only was the child spoiled rotten and overly praised, they also were made to be just what the parent wanted them to be.  Even if they had no interest in playing piano, football, dancing, etc, the parent wanted to personally look good, so they trained the child to be just exactly what they wanted (maybe what the parent didn't get to become themselves)

Another issue of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is that the child was often NEGLECTED or ignored, when he/she did not act exactly as the parent expected of them.  The child learned that, in order to gain approval of authorities, he must "behave" a certain way at all times, or face wrath.  If the child dared to question this, he was met with a reply such as "because I SAID so, that's why!"  He wasn't allowed to probe into his own world, and figure out WHY he always had to wear certain clothes, say certain things, or especially, WHY DID MOTHER CARE SO DANG MUCH IF I HAD MY HANDS FOLDED AND WAS SILENT IN PUBLIC, or not.  Usually she would tell the child, "hush now, you don't want Mommy to look bad, now do you?"

In other words, in my opinion, NPD results from a so-called parent thinking life is always meant to be ALL ABOUT ME, and having no regard of the child as even EXISTING, WORTHY or HUMAN>

I HATE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!

~L

[Lupita]

Thank you Laura. I hate the problem. I am trying not to hate the person. The person has no idea about how much damage is doing. I still love my mother despite all the damage she has done to me. She still thinks that she was a great mother. She was terrible. Still I know that she would give a kidney for me if she had to. Or at least that is what I think. And although she always isolated me from the world, she always provided me with food, clothing, and house. Still, staying in the house on weekends makes me very sad because I think of my childhood. I even feel worse when I think that I might have done a few bad things to my son. My son had an accident yesterday. Fortunately nothing happened to him but I am tired of always having to sacrifice for him. Instead of consolation I got to him and told him that he has to pay the deductable, he has to pay the increase of insurance, he has to pay his ticket. I was not understanding, the road was wet, the car slided, he did not have time to brake, was not really his total fault. He was very depressed, sad. I was mad at him. Today I had to drive him to his work, then go to church, then pick him up form work, then take him to the university then go back to my house. I was driving for hours all day long. It is Sunday and I am tired. On top I have remorce that I did not help my son. The other party had five family members  in ten minutes at the site of the accident. I was so mad, that when he said that he was fine, I waited and let him deal with the police and with the other car owner. If I had an accident, God forbidden, I would love to have somebody with me when the police arrives and when I have to discuss with the otehr people. Instead I went late, when he had resolved everything on his own. How proud I was to see that my little baby, 21, was a real man and very politely diffuse the anger of the other person and family, made the police simpathize with him and found out if his car was drivable. I did something well despite all. He is a blessing. Despite me. Still feel sad for taking so long to go see him, I was mad. All the time havng to help him. Every time I put some money together I have to help him with something. But he only has me. But he said that he is going to work more and I will not have to pay a penny. God bless this boy. He is a good boy despite that he had a horribly abussive father. N father. And when I say N father, he was not only emotionally hurtful, but also physically hurt him. And he has forgiven his horrible father. A monster. Forutnately I separated us from him since my son was six years old. So, it only took, "only" six years. Been alone for fifteen years. I hate the NPD problem. I try to forgive the people. Still I pray God everyday to punish my ex-husband. He had a rich father and was given everything, my son and I have had to work forever. He never provided for our son. Hope for divine justice.
Lupita

[reallyME]

Lupita,

You have a good heart and you have empathy toward hurting people.  It is an honor to have met you on this board.  It will be helpful when you feel sad over how you behaved, to simply tell the person you are sorry (your son).  I can tell that most likely you have imparted a forgiving spirit in him, and that, when you also show your humanness, he will be willing to forgive you as well.  It was a blessing to read your post and to feel your heart in it.  You are doing well as a friend.  Thank  you for sharing.

~Laura

[Lupita]

Thank you Laura. Judge Judy would say that is what parents are for. The help does not stop. Until we die. Our children are our children and we have to help them forever. I adore my son. Just get tired sometimes.

Thank you CB. I read the website. I think that besides neglect, genetics, and learning behavior, narcissism has something to do with how we treat our children. And if we teach them that they deserve everything in the world, they will believe it sometime.

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

I feel the same, I too looked at the website and it affirmed my thoughts, and that of many others re: western consumerism.

When you first came on the board, I felt you were a lovely gentle person, that feeling remains.

Leah x

[Hopalong]

my little baby, 21, was a real man and very politely diffuse the anger of the other person and family, made the police simpathize with him and found out if his car was drivable. I did something well despite all. He is a blessing. ALSO BECAUSE OF me.

Aww, Lupita. It's okay.
It was okay for you to be mad.

It IS draining to be constantly bailing out a child financially.

He'll forgive you. You just need to forgive yourself...

hugs,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Hi Lupita,
This is one of those topics where you wonder... is it really worse now than it used to be????? Gosh, I can tell you when I taught inner city, it sure seemed that way... it's hard to see thirteen year olds getting pregnant and then being treated like starts because the government bends over backwards to help them... We had one in ten kinds pregnant and many with more than one child. In order to get any benefits from school, you had to be in a gang, have a kid or be on drugs...
I know this is away from your reading... yes, I think overpraising is bad. With my own children (and I did this when teaching as well), I praise excellent works with enthusiasm. I use lighter praise for other things (a confusing picture... I like the colors you chose... a work with little effore... yes, it is nice for the amount of effort you expended).
I think many have gone to the extreme in wanting to build self-esteem. But being falsely exuberant does not build esteem... kids know when what they have done is good or moderate or bad... as do we. My school (after I graduated) actually stopped giving grades because they didn't want to bruise the kids' egos.
Good topic and I will get off my soapbox as I could go on and on and on...

[debkor]

Grats,

My sons school stopped giving grades on report cards.  They do marginal, exceeds, proficient and I forgot what else.
But on his test papers that come home they are graded.

Deb

[Lupita]

OK, here I go. 6:25 AM. I have to run. Wish me luck for today, please. Happy Monday for everyone. I have sevral N students. hard working with them. They are always right. They hate to be wrong. I have to be very tactful when i correct their work. It is hard.
Love
Lupita

[debkor]

Hope all went well at school today.

Let us know?

Love Deb