how long would you wait?

[WRITE]

I told y'all about this new guy I work with at church who I really like, well he seems to have decided to stay and there's a big attraction between us but he's working on himself. All well and good and I'm pleased, I found him difficult to work with like a lot of brilliant people! But he isn't either asking me out or fully explaining what he wants though I got the impression it just isn't good timing for him.
I want to start dating again so I have started going out more and yesterday he dropped me off at church and I was going out after, I didn't mention where or who with. He said 'be good! I know you will...'
I laughed it off and joked that I've been so good lately I can only give up abstinence for Lent. But it's sort-of bothered me a bit today, it feels a bit like ex, there's a dangling carrot but no relationship moving forward!

It's not that i don't understand he's had a bad time and that he has stuff to sort out; & I really like him; but I don't want another relationship which takes tons of work...

I think I should just carry on with my own life and if he's upset I date someone else then tough- he should talk to me.

What do you think?

~W

[Hopalong]

I agree with you, Write.
I think you should carry on.

What about talking to him about it, not in a private intense discussion, but out in the open while walking?

Hops

[isittoolate]

Hi Write
Did you say this whole sentence to him?

I laughed it off and joked that I've been so good lately I can only give up abstinence for Lent.

Well remember I am 67, but I cannot think of this other than a remark that you "sleep around a lot".

Since he is working hard on himself--as I suspect might be the same as we are doing here---perhaps he requires more time before a 'commitment'.

Be his friend? Share problems? That is honesty and it might bring you closer---then again might drive you apart, but you (both) ought to know what you are up against.

i.e If it were me and I met a guy, I would say--"Listen! I'm all messed up and cannot get into anything more than trying for a friendship right now!"--but then who wants a 70 year old man???????? lol

Good Luck
Izzy

[WRITE]

blimey, no I don't sleep around at all!

I'm not expecting him to commit to anything more than an open conversation really, and I have been a good friend and colleague to him since we've known each other. We met last fall.

I just think he's crossing a line if what he's saying is 'I'm not willing to commit but you should stay home and wait for me'!
It really isn't his business who I see if he isn't my partner is it.

I'll try and talk to him Hops, we haven't had a frank talk about our feelings since the day he started to tell me he wants basically any relationship kept quiet from his work/church; I told him no, I am very open.
I would feel like I was having an affair!

And anyway his behaviour around me is so obvious I think everyone assumes we're an item anyway.
It's funny how the more someone is trying not to be obvious the more attention they draw to themself...

He told me yesterday he doesn't like answering emails either, I just don't like the lack of reciprocity, it's feeling a bit like ex: too much about him.
So it's up to me to set the tone of that i guess.
Just came along for a little reassurance 

[Stormchild]

Oh Write, do be careful, this looks very lopsided to me... he seems to want you to do all the giving [up] and all he's doing is dangling bait... doesn't like answering emails? Red flag red flag

remember how we talk here about how 'they always tell you what they're going to do to you but you don't believe it and then they figure you deserve it when they do it'?

red flag red flag

[WRITE]

do be careful, this looks very lopsided

the interesting thing Storm is in the past when I've really been attracted to someone it's meant a great deal this stage of do they/don't they...I guess every rejection was so painful. I remember telling my therapist a couple of years ago I was lonely and really wanted a relationship and she said 'well you have to be able to handle it if it doesn't work out' and I wasn't exactly sure what she meant- after all I have always made sure that they work out, for the other person at least!

I've changed so much, tonight I am in a bad mood but it's not pity-party or anything negative at all really. I never thought I'd get to this stage of handling my moods and responses to things!!!

I think with the guy I'll just back off some more and if he doesn't make an effort to write/call me there's really nothing to build on.

One thing I am very conscious of is I don't want another pseudo-relationship or emotional affair type thing.

And also I am feeling a bit guilty because this is exactly what I did last year when I engaged that guy but then kept saying I didn't want to date until my divorce...and i was a bit pissed with him for going out and dating other people!

I know it's not healthy to put life on hold though; he might have major problems which will take years to sort out!

[Stormchild]

i'm just afraid he's going to play games with you and he's already telling you that. they do that, so they can blame us! and here I am, I've never even met the guy. so i'm reacting protectively. take with grain of salt.

write, congrats on handling the moods, that is so important. don't feel guilty about having done something similar a year ago. that was then, this is now, and that's why we have the cliche! you have moved forward... and no, no, you don't want to put life on hold for someone who is already telling you they won't be there... he is hinting that...

[debkor]

Hiya Write,

I'd say ask him out on a date.  See what his response is?  If he goes (you go girl) if not, adios amigo!.  You  may find that if he accepts and you go outside your environment where you go to church/work he may be totally different. When I had an attraction (when I was single, soooo many years ago, god! Im getting old) at work and went on an outside date, sometimes they turned out to be total jerks outside the work force. And maybe you will really enjoy him. If you feel uncomfortable asking him on a date then I would say don't hold up your life for anyone.  Haven't we all done that before.
Find someone else.  He is already  making you feel uncomfortable with waiting!!  RED FLAG.

Love Deb

[Brigid]

Hi Write,
I haven't been around here much lately, but still occasionally read the postings.  You know that I entered the whole world of dating again after 22 years of marriage with a great deal of trepidation.  It is hard to be able to trust a man again after being so deceived for so long.  But I did it because I didn't want to be alone, I crave intimacy and loving relationships, and I believe it is the healthiest way for me to move forward with my life--as long as the man I'm with is a good one.  Obviously, my ability to choose "good ones" wasn't so good for a long time, but therapy has hopefully improved that situation drastically.

When I did decide to start dating again, I did it with the intention of carefully testing the waters, keeping all relationships casual and light until I could get comfortable with once again being in that world and fine-tune my abilities to discern personality strengths and flaws, etc.  When I started dating my now b/f nearly 2 years ago, we both came to it with the attitude of keeping it casual, continuing to date other people, and not being intimate unless or until we decided that we wanted to make it exclusive and more involved.  That process took 4 months, but by the end of that time we knew each other well, had become good friends and were ready to become lovers.  We never played games with each other, were totally honest about our other dating situations, but always knew when we were together that there was a chemistry that was non-existent with other people. 

In your situation, I would say to not "move on" with your life, but "continue on."  There is no reason that the two of you must make a decision here and now.  Yes, you should see other people and start learning what that feels like.  If he is a good choice for you and he also comes to that conclusion, you two will figure that out.  He has no right to expect you to hang out and wait for him to make some kind of decision that he wants to date you.  If he has things to work out, let him, but don't let it stop you from "continuing on."

I have talked here about my own relationship and how long I would be willing to wait for him to conclude that we should make a permanent commitment to each other.  I fretted about it for at least 6 months, even went back into therapy, and was getting close to walking away from the relationship because he was not moving at the same pace that I was.  My girlfriends finally sat me down and told me I would be absolutely insane to give up this relationship that has been nearly perfect for 2 years.  I fought their opinions for awhile, but finally concluded that they are right.  What I have is so much better than I have ever had or could ever have imagined having.  My whole outlook has changed for the better.  I am committed to staying where I am and having the faith that things will work out the way I hope they will.  I am looking at a new business venture and doing some redecorating and remodeling to my house.  I have found a peace that has eluded me for the last 30+ years.

The most important thing I learned in therapy regarding relationships is that healthy people attract healthy people.  In order to be in a healthy relationship--be it friends or lovers--you yourself must be healthy, or at least working in that direction.  I think you are doing that and you will benefit in all aspects of your life as a result.

All the best,

Brigid

[WRITE]

Thank you all for some great advice in this thread! I just smiled and smiled when I logged on!!! Exactly the right stuff I need to keep in mind.

that was then, this is now, and that's why we have the cliche!

thanks Storm, I know you're right. I see him look at me sometimes now and I feel a bit guilty is all, he looks kind of sad. But then, he didn't talk to me either! I guess it's easy to scare someone off when you don't know them well yet.

Kinda like a moth to the flame.

I think there are a lot of relationships feel this way, my friend said it about her non-N marriage. I wonder now- it's acting out unresolved stuff?

Be strong. It may or may not work out this time, so don't exhaust yourself trying too hard.

yup, really feeling that! If he doesn't want me then I'll go find someone who does...there's only a little window for being open to a relationship with someone before their behaviour signals too much tension to be bothered too I am finding! I really want to be around people who are easyto be around like I am getting to be...

you go outside your environment where you go to church/work he may be totally different. When I had an attraction (when I was single, soooo many years ago, god! Im getting old) at work and went on an outside date, sometimes they turned out to be total jerks outside the work force. And maybe you will really enjoy him.

I like him a lot away from work but I asked him to go to coffee a few weeks ago and he said he has so much going on he's not available so i took that as it sounds and assumed he wasn't interested. However he still is and that culminated in the remark on Tuesday...

now today I saw him at church and he asks about my ex, because we'd been for lunch. Maybe people who don't live like me don't understand that I can have a friendship with this ex-abusive ex-partner and be really happy for all the grief between us to be healing without it meaning we must try again at our failed marriage relationship....but I get it from other people too, why don't I go back?!

I know this guy has been hurt, and I know he's havign a difficult time. And I know he's under scrutiny at work and feels embarrassed.

But if he wants to cultivate a friendship or relationship then it's his turn to show he wants that, I am uncomfortable to reach out to anyone in a personal relationship for long who does not reciprocate.

He is already  making you feel uncomfortable with waiting!!  RED FLAG.

yup!

The most important thing I learned in therapy regarding relationships is that healthy people attract healthy people.  In order to be in a healthy relationship--be it friends or lovers--you yourself must be healthy, or at least working in that direction.

and this is the best advice of all.

Take care everyone (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks again!