Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
For Sally
Sally:
Rosencrantz: I felt so relieved to hear that your understanding of narcissism came to you with the same thunder bolt as it did me. I've been so relieved to have an answer, that I don't want to spend a whole lot of time worrying about why I didn't know before, but it has bothered me some.
I've had over twenty years of one on one therapy, group therapy, treatment center for three months, just about every twelve step program for 15 years, and no where did the subject of narcissism come up. Ever! And yet both my mother and the man who caused so much pain in my life obviously are narcissits and I have all of the characteristics of ACON.
I just don't understand how nobody even mentioned it to me. Do you have any ideas about that, since your discovery was your own as well?
Your comments about hesitation meeting new people, and feeling so different was really interesting. I am very much an introvert (someone who gathers strength from being alone) and find that the heathier I get (psychologically) the more comfortable I am with being alone. And, I really love to be alone. I like people and have a few friends I really enjoy being around, but other than that, I am really happy to be by myself. I've often wondered if that hasn't been the result of being around such insane people all of my life!!
It does feel all new, though, doesn't it? It's like night and day for me. How long ago did you learn the truth about your mother? Hugs. Sally
Anonymous:
YOU exist. You exist for us here!! You exist for other people and you exist for YOU. It's your experience of his response to you that you are expressing.
( R )
and its really important to get some affirming supportive people in your life, clear all the negative people out I've found, or it's impossible for me to maintain my fragmented self-worth.
Wildflower:
Hi Rosencrantz,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. There’s a woman in my belly dance class who reminds me of you: she’s confident (as you are in your writing), she’s bold (she has her own lavish belly dance outfit and wears it with pride), and she’s open (as you are with your experiences). She is, in a lot of ways, how I imagine you to be in real life, and she brings life and spirit to the class, as you do to this board. :)
--- Quote ---The world is suddenly a different place and I don't know where I fit in any more!!!! I found this Board (lifesaver) but where do I reconnect with the outside world??? And can I trust myself in the outside world anyway - not to get sucked in and spat out again as part of somebody else's dish of the day!! And if it's to be on MY terms only, can there ever be 'friendship' again???!
--- End quote ---
This really struck me and reminded me of how I often feel as I nudge myself out into the world. I feel that my true identity was locked away in closet and forgotten about for years and is only now seeing the light of day again – little by little. It’s scary, but very rewarding. I was wondering if you also felt that the ‘real’ you is going out into the world, or if you feel that this is a ‘new’ you?
One of the things that N’s force us to do is live in extremes – either we’re giving ourselves wholly to them, or we’re fiercely defending ourselves – at all costs. I think that with most people, though, it’s possible to have a friendship that respects each person’s boundaries without having to be on either person’s terms.
And on a lighter note, I had to laugh (and groan) when I read this in one of your earlier postings on this thread:
--- Quote ---One day (in my early 20s), in desperation, one time when I went home during a vacation and she was twisting and turning everything and driving me mad, I tried to phone the Samaritans. I managed to get through. I was sitting in a small room at the front of the house which wasn't used much. I only managed to make contact for an instant - my mother came in and broke the connection.
I put my head down on the stool in front of me. I cannot explain the noise I made - a very long aaaaaaaaagggghhhh of total anguish. I'll never forget.
And my mother twitched the net curtains and said 'What WILL the neighbours think'!
You gotta laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!! ?
--- End quote ---
This reminded me of the first scene in "Harold and Maude" in which the incredibly N mom gets exasperated with her son as he stages a suicide in front of her (it’s a black comedy). He’s hanging from a rope while she makes arrangements with her hairdresser, and as she leaves the room, she asks him to 'try to be a little more vivacious’ for dinner. :roll: :lol:
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
Hi Guys - it's been quite tough coming back into this thread after all that but - hey! thanks!!!
I find it very difficult to be 'seen' to get warm and up close with other people on an individual basis because there's always someone over my shoulder about to get jealous and paranoid and destructive so it's easier to treat everyone the same and at a distance. So replying is a bit of a struggle right now.
Wildflower - LOL - Thanks Wildflower - yes, that's how I USED to be!! I feel too fragile to even attempt to be that person right now!!!
clj_writes - Thank you!! And thank you for the thoughtful advice about taking time. I guess in many ways I'm practising here for real life later.
And yet there's nothing 'real life' about this experiencee - we each offer ourselves up for scrutiny to each other in a raw way that doesn't happen in real life and we get time to reflect and see each other intereact with others. Honestly, I'm a wreck in real life right now - I feel that you could 'knock me over with a feather'!! Maybe there is an issue that I need to get physically stronger first - go for walks. But so much energy is taken up in dealing with the day to day stuff, my mother's finances, the solicitors, and my own internetty business.
When I spoke to the Social Services and they said they were closing the case on my mother, I just fell over this precipice, scrabbling to hang on, babbling to keep them on the line while I tried to re-compose myself so I could say what was needed to be said (mature, wise, together) rather than sounding like I was the one who needed help. Even if I was!!!!! I haven't done that in decades.
Just one little push and I'm over the precipice!!! Abandoned. Lost forever, and unable to look after myself in the big, bad world. Cheesh!
All my experiences right now are of me backing away, losing my foothold. I've spent my life pushing myself to live a half way fulfilling life in spite of my fears - and now (in spite of the fact that now I have the knowledge of what it's all been about) I feel broken - I have lost my confidence even to try. Now I KNOW it's a mean, bad world out there. :wink: Anybody got any superglue, please???
On the other hand, as you said, our real selves...but I don't want to be this twitchy, nervous person. My father's sisters were all twitchy, nervous people, too. So had my father been, I discovered in his final days. I wouldn't be at all surprised if HE wasn't an ACON, too!!! He was a GOOD man and deserved better. (Just stamped my foot then!!)
Difficult not to be a twitchy, nervous person at heart, I suppose, with the twists and turns of an Nmother - however loving she intended to be. I can almost hear the words 'Why me?' creeping up on me.
Anyway, that's where I am and I can't change it right now - tho I can give the odd :wink:
R
surf14:
Hi Rozencrantz;
I've hesitated to respond on this thread to you because I've been at a loss as to how to say this; bit here goes. Basically the personage that you present here on the forum is one who is strong, capable, and highly intelliagent. You are the last person I would have suspected of having feelings of 'not feeling fit' or having difficulties with relationships! Maybe you are going through a down period now with too much stress but how you present is very discordant with how you describe yourself.
Acons do have relationship issues, but who doesn't? Its Ok to feel 'twitchy'; that's how it is right now but it won't be that way forever. Feeling like someone is waiting with jealosy on the sidelines waiting to chew you up and spit you out...that's the ghost of your mother and her behavior that she modeled while raising you. Its hard to trust but important to sort out how much is the ghost of the past from what is really going on now in the present moment.
You're fantastic R; very strong and compassionate. Hope you have a grat day! :D Surf
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