Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
For Sally
Anonymous:
Hi everyone,
Just reading and joining this whole thread. As for the thank you note thing, here is one I would like to write based on a true experience:
Dear N,
Thank you so much for the very personal birthday present. How did you know we needed a new toilet seat? I apologize for your hurt feelings that I have not acknowledged this sooner, but I want to assure you that all of us here remember your generosity and think of you every time we use it. Love, ACON
:shock:
Anonymous:
P.S. to Rosencrantz,
Sounds like a bit of rough going right now. I think I read that you are familiar with the Four Agreements book. Between your posts and everyone's (and my) reassurances that you are strong, remember that one part that says "Always do your best. Your best will change from moment to moment...under different circumstances, etc." Was thinking of this while reading your posts and replies. Take care.
rosencrantz:
Thanks!! I'm really quite stunned by all this support.
Of course, surf14, what you don't know - and what I hadn't quite connected - is that I AM experiencing that kind of undermining here on the board via pm. Someone here has decided that I don't respond sufficiently personally or frequently to her posts and seeks to define what my 'problem' is.
When I say that I do not see my 'self' reflected in her definition, she tells me that I must have a motivation for 'ignoring' her which is unconscious to me. Unfortunately, I rose to the bait and gave her a rather fuller account of myself and then requested that we not continue with the pms. I received a vitriolic pm back informing me I should be in therapy. Cheesh!
Of course, now I'm avoiding her like the plague! I don't read her posts AT ALL! So she has successfully created the situation that she feared in the first place. In fact, I had, prior to that, chosen indifference to her, seeking to live and let live, as I had a pretty good idea that her response would be extremely hostile if I ever chose to give her the honest feedback that I share with others on the board. And so it was!!
She seems to think that she has a right to nurturing from others and, whilst anyone has a right to ask, she does not see that other adults have a choice. It is a particularly 'poor show' to demand nurturing (or was she seeking a patronising 'there, there') from other ACONs when we have been manipulated throughout our lives to sacrifice ourselves for others.
She had a right to nurturing from her mother - and she is right to rage against that. But I am not that mother and neither is any other woman - and I choose 'not' to take her place and be required to nurture. I have a right to choose 'not' without being vilified and undermined. Just as I have a right to choose not to be my mother's parent without being raged against and threatened and manipulated.
Your validation has been very helpful in that it reminded me that I am not the person I am being defined as 'behind the scenes'. I 'almost' hid myself away to keep it secret. But then I remembered just in time that's what I've done for years with the abuse I received at the hands of my mother. I will no longer hide in shame in order to protect others from knowing they have abused me and thus spare them THEIR shame (not that these people seem to feel shame, they just hop off into blaming instead).
Your validation was so unexpected and appropriate to the pain and confusion I was experiencing that for a while I thought it was a 'fix' LOL (although I couldn't imagine how!) It seems, on the contrary, that at long last, I'm not quite sure how, I have found a way to 'ask and receive'. After a lifetime of being 'strong' for others and never knowing how to find a response for myself in times of need, well, I'm (almost) struck dumb!!! :wink:
Thank you
R
clj_writes:
Hurrah, R!! Glad to hear your voice and confidence are back! These signs of health are very heartening. :)
surf14:
HI Rozencrantz;
You really have defined the issue well when you said: "She seems to think that she has a right to nurturing from others and, whilst anyone has a right to ask, she does not see that other adults have a choice. It is a particularly 'poor show' to demand nurturing (or was she seeking a patronising 'there, there') from other ACONs when we have been manipulated throughout our lives to sacrifice ourselves for others.
I wouldn't take too seriously an off-the-cuff negative interaction like you describe. Number one, you are strong and speak your truth and experience insightfully. At times I think people envy strength and want a piece of it for themselves. You are very right, nurturing should not be demanded and actually demanding it smacks of narcissism.
Number two: this truly is the other person's problem because it is her need for something from you that is resulting in inappropriate behavior; this is coming from the wounds this person has suffered but she has not learned how to handle her emotion, her need or her anger in healthy ways. She is not taking responsibilty and is actually projecting her need for therapy on to you.
Thirdly: this is a public forum board which many people access and some bizarre or crazy interactions or challanges are to be expected from time to time. Its unfortunate but pretty much the norm where participants aren't screened and everyone has access.
Again, you have given some of the most thoughtful and sensitive feedback here and your help is invaluable. I look foreward to reading your future posts. Aloha Surf
:D
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