Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
For Sally
rosencrantz:
Sally - My turning point in relationships with men was once when I couldn't find anything to apologise for in order to get us back together again. Very disorientating!! I think you've cracked it!! :wink:
R
surf14:
HI Rozencrantz and Sally; thanks so much for your replies!
R- "I didn't 'plan' it but I'm sure my subconscious knew more than I did!! I experienced so much verbal cruelty but I didn't know that's what it was - it was just 'me' being a terrible person all the time, never being able to get anything right, never getting approval, always trying harder. I felt so sick at home yet I continued to go back, doing what was expected, trying to be 'good'!!! That's so sad (in all senses!). I had no idea what my feelings were or what they were telling me.
My mother drove me round the bend. I remember I used to think she'd say black was white if it suited her. Compromise didn't exist in her vocabulary. And everything had to be kept secret. Oh, I was so loyal. "
This is exactly how I felt stuck in the sick dynamic going on in my home growing up. You are writing my life and it was total futility. When I was 19 I had a chance to break away; I traveled to Hawaii with a boyfriend and that gave me some distance.
I have spent the remaining 30 years going thru an approach/avoidance dance based on my mother's behavior; mostly avoidance since the geographical distance has afforded me that and her behavior has caused nothing but misery since. I can relate so well to the description of feeling'sick' around her. The few times she has visited over the years were disasters (all my fault of course because ie I was unable to give her the total undivided time and attention she required when my daughter was 4 months old during one of the visits. Its always my fault!!) and caused me to feel like giving up. I always came away with an oodgy feeling like I had crossed the path of the devil or something. I always am left feeling like giving up because she leaves me no room at all to stand on; no respect at all. I'm sure you can relate.
I feel better these days about the fact that when she passes on I am not to blame for what never went right; I am finally stronger now about that because I know I have done everyhing I could to reconnect with her but I COULD NOT sanction her abuse, and this is what she requires. I feel very sad that I did not have a supportive and happy nurturing home with the support of a family of origin all these years but I was fortunate to have been 'adopted' as a teenager into my boyfriends home and am still close to that family despite geographical distance and despite not having married into the family. At least I was able to experience how an integrated family functions.
Sally; I'm so sorry for your struggle! Please, I hope you don't go back to to your XN. You deserve so much more. Its very hard tho to break the addiction and the enmeshment. I understand too well because that is what I have going thru with my Darth-Mom. Heck; I'd want to send those gifts laced with darts back to her. How unkind! :oops:
And yes Jacmac, sometimes one needs to know when to QUIT. I think that's where I am now since nothing has worked and I'm not going to suffer my mothers devaluation and abuse. Its been helpful getting other's perpectives who have been thru similar experiences; helps you not feel so responsible for the relationship failure. Thanks all!
Sally (sslichterj):
Rosencrantz and Surf: This discussion has helped a great deal today. Rosencrantz it was good to hear that I may have finally found the key...by not going back anymore to apologize...that part finally came clear to me learning about Narcissism. But ohhhhhhhh the pain. Recieved a notice about the car payment, forwarded by my xn today in the mail. No note, no goodby, no f....k you, nothing...just nothing. It is that nothingness that I can barely stand. Feel as if I can't breathe. So hard not to make a connection just to reasure myself that I exist. I know I have to make it past this point, but right now I feel like a deer in the headlights..immobile, unable to move, just breathing small breaths hoping this fear will end. It's just the worst.
And Surf, hope this is helping you some. Leaving the N takes tremendous courage and having the N be a parent throws in all sorts of other issues. I think you are going about this in just best way by taking your time and asking lots of questions. Hugs to both of you...Sally
rosencrantz:
Sally - This is the toughest moment, I think, in understanding and dealing with the narcissist. The bit about 'not existing'.
You are right in one sense - That's exactly what it's all about. You DON'T exist - for a narcissist.
How can that possibly be to 'not exist' in someone else's eyes. It's truly beyond belief, beyond comprehension...
This is a time when you need to work really hard on getting and keeping your thoughts the right way round.
YOU exist. You exist for us here!! You exist for other people and you exist for YOU. It's your experience of his response to you that you are expressing.
Perhaps you feel you only exist if you exist in somebody else's eyes, if somebody else is 'seeing you'. Perhaps you feel that you need to be reflected in someone else's eyes to exist, that someone else has to reflect back to you who you are - ???
My H says - 'we differentiate by contrast' and I've found that useful. He had impenetrable boundaries which meant I didn't constantly 'lose' myself in him and I found out who I was by discovering in what ways I was different to him.
I'm sending you 'stay strong' vibes!!! :wink:
R
Sally (sslichterj):
Rosencrantz: Bless you for your help today. And just responding to my pain helps to verify that I do exist in someone's eyes...but I am writing back because something you said triggered something...I remeber hearing, reading ??? that an infant knows it exists when it sees itself reflected back in the eyes of it's mother...in her expressions of love, joy, etc. Have any thoughts on that?
Obviously I'm thinking lots about this today...is this the feeling I have been avoiding all along? This nothing feeling, the feeling I don't exist? When I look back on my family, I can be in touch with the feeling that I was "outside of the family dynamic"..an observer. My father doted on my older sister because my mother was so exceedinly brutal to her. Everyone thought I was my mother's favorite, but she was the total "sicky" in the family, so I got absolutely nothing from her. My sister was too busy surviving to pay any attention, and besides she hated me because she decided I was my mother's favorite. She still has a hard time understanding that what I got from our mother was just as cruel and painful as what she got...it just manifested in different ways.
What do you think? Sound like I'm on to something? Darn wish I could make that last piece fit. I know I've just got to hand on right now if I ever want to find that last piece. It has to be a product of staying right in this place of nothingness....Hugs. Sally
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