OK I am frigged right out!

[Leah]

Me too ...... and when my keyboard freezes 

[isittoolate]

Here we go--all us who hate losing and freezing!

Hi LeahsRainbow

I just tried to set things up with the new therapist today. The first hour is free, to get a handle on things, but I found her on the Internet and I emailed a lot about me. I doubt she will turn me down—unless she thinks I AM insane—off my rocker—la-la-land....

Wholeheartedly agree and my own life experiences can testify.

I really believe in that looking back for one’s beginning, and am glad you agree.

As well I sure appreciated this comment:
Just want to say that I have valued you as a person here on the board and you have truly been an inspiration to me.

But I will tell the truth and I do wonder what about me is an inspiration when I feel so messed up!

And Hops

I certainly understand about posts that are too close to home—been there—not done that.

I don’t know if my daughter hates me, and if so, why? If she is ashamed of me and if so, why? If she is indifferent and if so, why?

NEED love? ---meaning we are needy?......................No offense, but I read Dr. Wayne Dyer and he listed things that people say/sing that are unhealthy for our minds!  I BOUGHT IT!

People, people who need people --Are the luckiest people in the world.

I don’t NEED love, but I know what you mean. I am getting along all right on my own, if some people would leave me alone, or if some thoughts never entered my head, ever again!!!!! Doesn’t work! Long story!!!!!!

I have lived 67 year, 68 come April, and it might take 67 years to get through my messy life ……………………so I guess I will live to be 134. OMG!!---and finish with the Therapist's granddaughter!!!!

Hoh Boy! Such is Life!

Izzy

[isittoolate]

I sent an email to her

"back to the drawing board"  etc.

she responded much more kindly and said she was sending me a gift, that she hoped would help me as much as it helped her................. I know she has been in therapy!! I wonder what the gift is-------- likely a book?

Maybe........."Healing the shame that binds you"?
Izzy

[Leah]

I have lived 67 year, 68 come April, and it might take 67 years to get through my messy life ……………………so I guess I will live to be 134. OMG!!---and finish with the Therapist's granddaughter!!!!

Hoh Boy! Such is Life!


Thank you for making me chuckle out loud    I needed it.

Leah

[isittoolate]

That's me----taking all serious things too lightly--jokingly-- but we have to laugh at ourselves or we would never survive!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Izzy

[Leah]

but we have to laugh at ourselves or we would never survive!!!

Oh definitely - thats my motto in life.  Leah xx

[Gaining Strength]

I don’t know if my daughter hates me, and if so, why? If she is ashamed of me and if so, why? If she is indifferent and if so, why?Izzy, I know that you long to have a good relationship with your daughter.  And I know that you have had incredibly, unbearable experiences beginning in childhood.  But I encourage you to take your original posting from this thread with you to your new therapist.  What I see in it is anger directed towards your daughter which would make it difficult for her to have a relationship with you.  Based solely on your post, your anger seems out of kilter for what transpired. 

I expect that you are surprised and hurt by my post.  I have tried to convey this in a less direct way but I don't think you are yet able to see that you have a role to play in the distance between the two of you.  I fervently believve that part of what blinds you is the incredible pain you have experienced in your life.  It is NEVER to late to travel down the healing paths.  The gift of healing is that it spreads beyond yourself and effects others in your life.

I encourage you to try to read this segment from your originial post with some objectivity - as though it was written by someone else about someone you don't know.  And then re-read the entire thread, carefully considering all the comments.  Healing has to be about changing ourselves rather than the behavior of those we love or long to love.  Healing is only about changing our own perspective.

I send this in kindness and caring, whether it seems like it or not. - Gaining Strength

I sent:
I need another word for search, other than ‘scroll’ for something that looks like that fancy scrolling plant hanger you made in shop, the black one that was in the kitchen.---(more) as I kept pulling up pictures of scrolls, like the Dead Sea Scrolls---

She responds with—
I have no idea what you are talking about.  hunt? explore? seek?

I gather she read up to only the word ‘search’ in my email.

I refuse to be treated like an idiot by my own daughter and I told her so; and that I had no room for toxic people in my life.: That she sounded just like the psychopath I was with, who would say “What? what? What are you talking about? I don't understand. Are you stupid or something?"[/b]

[oc]

izzy:  This is the first post I have added to this thread.  I feel like I am your daughter.  I have such negative feelings towards my mom because of the neglect and over control she has had in my life that the mere sound of her voice is an irritant to me.  I understand you have been a victim but might you have victimized your daughter when she needed you?  I am not saying you have but why would she be so mean to you if she did not perceive some kind of problem?

[isittoolate]

Thanks GS

I am thinking about this, but all I come up with is that she and I might be just like my mother and me (except from birth through the teens)

It is all in the communication as years go by. She and I had so much time together as I sent her to baton, gym, swimming, bible camp, to meet other children--being an only chiild, I talked with her and told her the pros and cons of things that arose and then she could choose. I attended every concert and P/T night at school. She squealed with delight when we were looking for a prom dress when I found a lovley strapless and she nearly croaked that I woud buy it for her. Her friends were welcome in our home. Then she graduated Grade 13, went to Toronto to work and met the N.

The biggest rift began then, I didn't like him, I tried to talk her out of the quick marriage, and she was already talking and acting like him.

We had little serious communication after that. She was aged 19: still a young girl when you consider he was 31.

Everything fell apart for me and then for her and she became more distant but it was 7 years of not really knowing either one of them for me, but sitting 2 of my grandkids. 3 days a week then he kicked me out and she went along with him. 1991

We have never overcome that-- I nearly had a nervous breakdown and I honestly don't think my feelings are the same for her as they once were, ---so much happening and so many things unspoken (like I was right about him)---then I ended up in a mess with an N/P--sure was ripe for attention.

I asked once how she would feel if one of her children turned on her. She said it would never happen.   It did.

Her eldest son turned on her, manipulated by his N father (who had manipulated her against me) and it broke her heart.

We are both badly damaged and I sometimes fool  myself into thinking we could regain what we once had, but she is middle-aged now. 43

I try to forget but I cannot and I really don't hold out any hope.

How could I have protected her from an N, when I didn'teven know what they were???

SH*T Happens!

Izzy

Did you read this oc?

[debkor]

Izzy,

I had a good relationship with my mom.  She hated my ex-n and although she didn’t know what an N was by the word she sure knew the personality because of her own father.  She saw exactly what was going on and who he really was. She was absolutely 100% RIGHT!
She tried to talk me out of getting married also. But Izzy, don’t you know I knew everything and she didn’t know what she was talking about.
I had got myself in so deep with the jerk that I didn’t know what to do.  I had made my bed and now I had to sleep in it.  My mom didn’t make me feel that way I made myself feel that way.  I guess I was embarrassed of myself.  I knew eventually what he really was. I wanted to be grown-up take care of my responsibilities.  I didn’t need my mom (which was pure b.s.) I needed her more then ever but I would not give in.  I was afraid.
I was really afraid of myself and for me to agree with my mom (which I knew she was right in her heart and soul) would make me be wrong. But I was wrong, dead wrong, I knew that. I admitted that to myself only.  If I was admit that to others then I felt like I was telling myself I was a failure.  I wasn’t a failure, just my marriage was.  We tend to get really mad, we argue and sometimes even cut off the people who you love the most then admit to a failure.  It’s very easy when you are self punishing to project it onto others.  I did it.
I went around bitch’n and complaining to turn it around and attack the people that didn’t deserve it. You know what Izzy. It was always the people I loved the most. 
I was to deaf, dumb and blind and pretty much a flaming asshole. The people who I was turning away were the people who helped save me.
I never stopped talking to my mom at anytime but I must have been killing her inside watching me go through that crap and yet there wasn’t a damn thing she could do to get
through to me.
I know what I did to my mom (she was dying) watching  me take the N crap.
I think your daughter knows to deep down inside.
She always left the door open and sure as hell I went running home, sneakers burning with my two kids and dog.
Love
Deb

[oc]

No.  Boy with a mother like you I would have felt love.  So it sounds like the person you should be mad at is him.  Do you have a husband?