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Missing puzzle pieces

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clj_writes:
Hi, everyone.  My saga is less dramatic than many of the extreme N ones I read here but I am still stuck in certain ways and can't figure it out.  I am wondering if perhaps someone here might "get" what I'm experiencing.

In my family, there was no hitting or yelling or overt negative feedback.  However, there also wasn't any direct communication, any physical affection, or permission to express (or even have) emotions.  

My maternal grandmother died of leukemia when my mother was 8 and my maternal grandfather began abusing my mother and her sisters after that.  It has never been openly discussed but I suspect there was sexual abuse in addition to the physical.  My father's mother was cold and distant and his father wasn't home much.

I grew up very controlled and very much a good girl (except they preferred boys so I adapted on that front as well).  It wasn't until last year that I realized I had been brainwashed and then brainwashed into believing I hadn't been brainwashed (I think it was the psychologist R.D. Laing who first said something like this).  I believed it was my job to keep my mother from feeling her pain.

I ended up with many difficulties: relationships (I was a chameleon for many years), disordered eating, perfectionism, anxiety, believing I did not have emotions, overly driven, socially isolating...

Although I've unraveled much of this over the past ten years, I seem to still have odd stuck places like thinking I will "kill" my parents if I become myself (I worked through this one).  I'm wondering if someone might recognize this historical pattern (I don't think it is "N" although my mother did/does tend to turn things around so they end up about her) and know of any resources related to this.

Thanks for listening!

cj:
Hi,

I'm new to this board so am just getting to grips with all this and testing the water I guess. I'm currently looking at this narcisism thing, and the possibility of being at the brunt of it myself for a long (*coughs*) time.
You say 'No overly negative' feedback?, but I'm sure you realise some of the damaging aspects to your upbringing in what you've mentioned? (not being allowed to express emotion, no physical contact, not good...).
I was interested in this idea that you would be 'killing'' your parents if you decide to be yourself. I haven't heard this before. The assumption would be that you feel a responsibility to be a life support, like you are PART of them, and if you leave you cut them off/they can't exist without you?? Your are one and the same, not your own seperate self? Guilt I guess.
I relate to a few things you mention btw, (re: the emotion thing, anxiety/social and otherwise/ocd  tendancies, perfectionism, the list goes on...). Not really sure what else to say, but hope you hang around.

Survivor:
clj,

Welcome!  I am new also.  Have you looked at the list of Narcissist Characteristics?  Here are some below:

- inordinate self-pride
- self-concern
- an exaggeration of the importance of one's experiences and feelings
- ideas of perfection
- a reluctance to accept blame or criticism
- empathy deficit
- grandiosity
- entitlement
- shallowness
- preoccupation with fame, wealth, and achievement
- craving admiration, attention and praise
- placing excessive emphasis on displaying beauty and power

Maybe none of these fit, but thought I'd pass them along anyway.  For years I didn't think my life was so bad either.  Once I really dug in and discovered how my mother had treated me (and brainwashed me!), I saw how wrong it all was.  I knew I had to do something.  I have been "detached" from her for almost 20 years, but I still have some old tapes in my head from her.  

I came from a "looking good" family.  We all dressed, acted, performed "perfectly" for our mother.  Everything was about appearance.  I, too, have difficulty with perfectionism.  I was always "driven".  (Couldn't leave the house for a five minute errand without spending two hours getting ready!  :roll: )  In the last five years (I'm 44) I have finally learned to relax and take care of myself instead of everyone else.  I finally asked myself "Why? Why am I driving myself into an early grave?"  I learned to take care of everyone else and make everything look perfect, but inside I was falling apart.

I hope you will take time for yourself.  It really does help.  I have been on this journey of self discovery for years, but only recently learned there was a name for my mother . . . NARCISSIST!  Whether your mother fits this name or not, I think this message board will help you.  There are a lot of people here who care and have great feedback.  It's a place to get nurtured and find incredible information.

Good luck to you . . . thanks for your post.

Survivor

cj:
I'd hazard a guess the 'superficial' element serves a function, i.e. not being in touch with yourself, (and in reflection not being in touch with others either). Getting in touch with yourself would be disasterous if the N was to see how he/she really is.
That said however, I'm sure the fuction (if it is a fuction!, I mean aren't some people just shallow by nature?) is used by lots of people with difficulties, for similar reasons, and not through ill will.

Sometimes people who are like this in my experience, seem to be so out of touch with themselves... its astounding. Terms like 'finding one self' are lost on them. As is any real soul searching. *Ponders* Does anyone agree with this? Because its guesswork atm.

Christy:
Survivor and cj,
Thanks for responding!  I was having a bit of that "voicelessness" feeling for a bit there.  :)

My mother does have some N tendencies.  In her case it is how stupid she is (although she is a much-awarded teacher) and how fat (she's 5'6", 110 pounds) and how "she had a difficult childhood" rather than grandiosity.  Looks are hugely important as are achievement, admiration, praise etc.  Criticism???--YIKES!  

I think she's a much better teacher than a mother although she openly says she doesn't like the girls. Before Christmas she kept insisting "All women are bitches" and trying to get me to agree.  Before years of therapy and self-introspection and bodywork and individuation etc., I might not have disagreed with her!  Egads.  When I was born, they only had a boy name selected so my hospital bracelet says "Baby".  No wonder I went on to get an engineering Ph.D. (overcompensation to say the least!).

Oh, the "killing" thing isn't enmeshment (although I had that in abundance--I've worked through most of it).  I think it is the fact they needed me to be a certain way and that way was so rigidly and narrowly defined.  To deviate seemed a killing blow.  Now (I'm 41) they have no clue who I am and how "unacceptable" the true me is.  Over Christmas it was humorous because I was so free from the old hooks and I could be amused at their foibles.  I only felt like binging once over a four day period rather than every 15 minutes or so!  Many major shifts are behind me.

My anxiety has been up lately because I've been connecting with people and saying taboo things like I think my grandmother "abandoned" my mother when she died (my grandmother was made into a saint...not supposed to say bad things about her).  More to work through on the connection front...

Thanks again for listening.  Sorry to babble on a bit....
Christy

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