Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Missing puzzle pieces
rosencrantz:
Christy - I can only share my own experience. When the anger hit, I was so blindly 'enraged' I really think I would have killed my mother had she been asleep and had I been in the same house (lots of 'ifs'!!). I've never felt anything to intense or so absolute. Fortunately I was hundreds of miles away and it wasn't strong enough to get me into the car and onto the road!!!
The binging is squashing it down. Don't be frightened of it. It won't kill you and you won't kill her!!! If you squash it down, you'll just have to keep going through it as it will keep coming up and you'll keep squashing it down.
You know, I taught my son about hitting pillows for anger and what I've seen has made me realise that it's not the right solution. You need to sit and feel its intensity at the centre of your stomach or solar plexus (or wherever you feel it most) and let it rise up and overflow - like a well that fills from the bottom until it overflows. Really feel the intensity and just notice how it rises and then washes away on the momentum of the tide.
I think the anger is 'just' part of the process of what we're all going through as we become 'aware' and you need to go through it to go forward.
You can do it :wink:
R
clj_writes:
Dear Seeker and Rosencrantz,
Thank you both so much! I do a lot of writing and thought I'd written the anger out last week (ha--that's pretty funny--thinking I could write out a lifetime of suppressed anger in one session!). I'll definitely be at the page more with this one!
R, I know you are right about feeling the anger. I know it has to pass through me. At least now I see that it is anger and not something unknown. It is funny (ironic funny) but I was reading a book and was doing the exercises chapter by chapter until I came to the one on "Confronting Mother" where you experience your anger at the mother you've internalized. I got stalled there about 6 weeks ago. I just couldn't conjure up any any anger or come up with any specific examples I wanted to work through. OMG--blind, deaf and dumb (as in unable to speak), I'd say!
Thanks again. Time to see how much shaking my internal rafters can take! ;)
clj_writes:
Thank you again, dear Rosencrantz. Last night (while repeating the mantra of "it won't kill her and it won't kill me"), I did as you suggested. The response in my body was intense but not painful like trying to not feel it had been! I discovered it wasn't just anger but a combination of anger and grief--grief at how I had been duped for so many years apparently. Anyway, it was cathartic! I don't think I would have been able to do it without your encouragement and coaching--many thanks. :)
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