Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Missing puzzle pieces
clj_writes:
cj,
By trust those people I guess I mean I knew at some level that things were very *off*. All the focus on my mother's pain and then my father's emotional disconnection from everything...the perfect family was much less than. Now I see clearly so much of what was wrong and cannot trust them with who I am.
Let's see, here's a list of unacceptable: anything but super short hair (I started growing mine out last year at age 40!), just being instead of doing, associating with others outside the family (okay as a child, NOT as an adult...my parents had no friends), putting anything into writing (no wonder my anxiety is sky-rocketing here!), underachieving, feelings, getting married (I did at age 35), having children (we are trying now...rather belatedly, eh?)...I obviously could go on and on.
Surf,
My mother doesn't "do" angry. She doesn't do any emotions whatsoever. Her only quasi-emotive states are pain and anxiety. She acts hurt when I establish my own identity. She is still upset I got married and she wants me all to herself when we visit. He is the perfect foil; definitely repellent to the smothering tendencies! :) I don't feel lucky, somehow. I feel I got a goodly dose of pain although I would never attempt to compare it to anyone else's. I want all my cells to deeply know what it is to be healthy and whole and fully myself. I can't seem to get there by saying "it wasn't that bad". I've tried that innumerable times but it just doesn't work. I think by stating my truths I will be able to transcend them and put them into better perspective. I want to believe it, anyway.
surf14:
You're on a roll Christy; you seem to know what it will take to find yourself. Good Luck! Surf :D
clj_writes:
Thanks, Surf!
Well, I started freaking out after all my posts and then began IM'ing with a fairly new friend of mine and told her what I had called my mother on a forum and how I thought it was freaking me out. Well, she said "Check out the definition of narcissism at voicelessness.com". I asked her how she knew about this forum and she said I had posted it in another forum weeks ago (major "duh" for me!). So I go to the narcissism article and am floored! The exceptionally vulnerable part, the using someone important--OMG!!!
Then I start remembering things like when I was in my late 20's and early 30's and she would come into the bathroom when I was taking a shower and tell me "wow, you do have fat thighs!". (I am 5'6" and weighed about 125 at the time--it was the height of my binge eating.) And various and sundry other negative comments (amazing how the brain has select memory sometimes) came back too made both by her AND my father.
Although it is disturbing to see them in a clearer light, on one hand, it is a vast relief on the other. I am not insane. (I just keep repeating this to myself in amazement!)
Thanks for helping to spur this insight!!
clj_writes:
Hi, everyone. I just figured out something and I could use some help. I have been in self-destruct mode the past day or so and now I realize it is because I am angry at my mother and her "painful childhood" that I was so protective of my whole life. Before I felt like "yeah, it wasn't so good but she needed me soooo much, it was worth it" but that has vaporized and I've got the most intense anger I can ever remember burning in me now.
Any suggestions? I'm at work so there aren't any pillows to punch! The good news is that I recognize feelings. The bad news is that they are overwhelming me and I'm binging and see no end to this....
Anonymous:
Hi Christy,
Can strongly identify with being used by parents to ease their pain. Short of actual therapy, I recommend just writing it all down in a journal (it can be on the computer if you type faster than you write). That is, what happened, the memories and how you feel about it. It really helps to get it out of your head and on paper, and to connect the feelings with what happened. Rage, cry, mourn.
I use spiral notebooks because they are cheap (no use feeling guilty ruining a pretty book with ugly thoughts) and I had a lot of them to fill!
Hope this suggestion helps. Best, Seeker
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