Conflict Resolution via this Board

[dandylife]

I can sympathize with the member who is going through a frustrating situation, apparently waiting for a response from a member who is not giving it.

However, I feel this is a wholly inappropriate place for this type of attempted conflict resolution. Unless you are going to fully and wholly reveal what is going on, I feel you must keep this private. Parts of the conflict are being kept private and you are not revealing the other half of the conflict.

Sometimes, *%it happens. This board is for support - for those of us who are struggling to understand and to deal with narcissists in our lives.

Take the good you get from here, and leave the bad.

We struggle with trust issues on a daily basis, living and dealing with N's. If you were to be able to post the actual trouble you're having, perhaps we could help.

Dandylife

[Overcomer]

Agreed.  Over the 2 1/2 years I have been posting I have seen big blow ups where people leave.  I have missed some of them.  I have personally witnessed at least three blow ups....

[debkor]

First one for me.

This bothers me and since I don't pm I come here and say what I have to.

I conversed with the person referred to in my Dear You Know Who post on many issues regarding the board "behind the scenes" and this person often did the same thing with me, referring to people, expressing judgments about them, as I did as well - then our comments on the board would reflect those conversations, so I certainly know what is going on.


This appears to me that people on here find friends that they can relate to more then others. OK thats reasonable they like to talk privately.   The part that bothers me is when conversing with whoever about the issues regarding the board behind the scenes, referring to people, expressing judgments about them is Ok to. But the part that really bothers me is,
then our comments on the board would reflect those conversations.

I really hope I am misunderstanding this. 

The things on here are written out of peoples personal pain and sharing it.  And  behind the scenes talk is becoming  nothing more then GOSSIP. If people can be judged behind the scene then why not bring it to the person on the board and say you judge them there.  It smells like fear to me.
I cannot be that far off cause look at the Conflict going on.


Deb

[debkor]

Wow I reread what I wrote and it looked crazy.
let me correct the part that was typed nuts.

I mean there is no problem with pming. There is no problem with making judgements. I'd be lying to say people don't.  It's part of human nature. You make friends you discuss you agree, you judge. 
and I believe the ending of my post above is ok.

Love Deb.

[debkor]

CB,

You are so right!  Thank you for all your words. I'm good now. Not discouraged, never was.  Just confused.

P.S.  your good! I would of made French Fries and French Toast.
Enjoy!!

Love Deb

[Leah]

CB - you mentioned that you joined the board in Nov 2006

I joined in Jan 2007

So neither of us knows a great deal of the history and workings on the board really.

This has happened before and good people have left the board.

Deb - you have my greatest respect for being real - speaking plainly and honestly ....

This bothers me and since I don't pm I come here and say what I have to.

I conversed with the person referred to in my Dear You Know Who post on many issues regarding the board "behind the scenes" and this person often did the same thing with me, referring to people, expressing judgments about them, as I did as well - then our comments on the board would reflect those conversations, so I certainly know what is going on.

Private Messaging can turn unhealthy as Gossiping, as you say, goes on "behind the scenes" ..... which comes as no surprise really ..... and
all is okay until one in the circle feels she is

being Gossiped about or Triangled.

That's what is so apparent is the situation on board.

Unaware of what goes on "behind the secens" ....... as I do not engage in PMs of that nature.

So I was merrily researching and posting regarding things that concerned me personally and shared my findings here on my new topic threads

However, unwittingly, my choice of topics ironically, must have mirrored events in the PM conflict arena.

And it was ASSUMED that I was in some form of alliance!


Now to me, I feel that having someone say I am lying is exactly the same verbal abuse as of my NPD perpetrator

Truth is, that what is happened here on board is text book contolling people - which does concern me.


We are all around the table openly on the board together here - aren't we ????


And we should, I feel, be real and honest.


Warm wishes,

Leah



If I can survive NPD's in my personal life including FOO

Then surely, I can survive with a voice of courage and conviction the injustice of the victimization and humiliation inflicted upon me here.

[dandylife]

Jacmac,
If you read this (and I hope you do), I want you to know that your posts in the past have impacted me in positive ways and I always perk up when I see your moniker, because I know something I need to pay attention to is coming.

Please keep on posting with those, because they mean so much.

Though I disagree with this particular issue (triangulation is a huge no-no. And, though what you did is not truly triangulation - as what you said you directed to the person - you still drew us all in to your conflict).

I'm sorry you had to endure this suffering. The only thing that triangulation accomplishes is some bit of diminishment of your anxiety. But for us, it is heightened. We don't know what's going on.

Anyway, just want to give you a little support - whatever I can. Thinking about you.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Hi Leah,
Sometimes I confuse the difference between having a voice, using it, and using it so much that I can't hear myself, or anybody else.

Do you have a feeling for what it would take for you to be satisfied? (I'm not meaning to sound snarky. I'm really asking.)

The reason I ask is that I don't think everyone on the board or in the world is necessarily going to come alert and say, of course. It's completely this way. Or completely that way.

Those of us who've been around Jac a long time know that she has a voice too. She's been abused in her past too. And she's on guard too. And she can be triggered too.

You could say I am entirely not getting it and didn't pay attention to one line that you so carefully parsed so that I would see your point accurately, and fairly, and in clear focus as you see it. And you'd be right. I just can't get past a feeling of being shrieked at. So even if they're the shrieks of a REAL VICTIM I sometimes have my fingers in my ears going la-la-la can't HEAR you! (Because ol' Hops really doesn't like unpleasantness...which I should mention is a way huge heap of a leap of improvement over me being completely anger phobic, which I was for over 50 years until I finally blew UP at my Nish mother when she was 95, and practically shook in her socks...) Not healthy.

And it's not fair. Because you were at one point voiceless as a child or in an abusive relationship, and it is literally and truly not FAIR that I should not pay very close attention to each line. I know I have had people pay very very close attention to my convoluting self-deluded reasoning and denying and all sorts of other stuff my various kinds of pain appears dressed up in here. And I do not deserve that kind and careful attention one whit more, not one more iota more, than you do.

I am a pleasant writer most of the time and well intentioned, rather like a neurotic beagle, and I have a dimple. So in some unfunny way the universe has turned around and, after all those years of childhood when I was literally tormented by peers and sib, I get love everywhere I look.

When somebody hurts me it is undifficult to figure that I push their buttons. There are a couple people I've learned from here...just a couple, that I would be smart to be guarded around. Usually, no offense at all, they have been ones who have quoted the Bible and talked about God at me at such length that my eyes cross. However, there is really nothing wrong with them at all. They are who they are and what they are, better than I and scary to me but really quite inspiring, is they're not afraid to show anger!

And in that, you and Jac both amaze me quite a lot. (Sorry, I know you told me you're not an angry person. I don't think you are either necessarily...that's an unfair label, like being a woman person. Huh? I don't think you're an "angry person." But I sure as heck thing you were spitting mad at Jac.) It was impressive to me how furious you were and how adamant that you weren't.

I believe I have sunggggggggggg this tune. Oy.

I dunno if you were right to be or wrong to be, and honestly, for me there were some off notes in what each of you had to say, and I am not uninterested (obviously) but I really am not going to go back through it. All the purple and all the caps and all the off thread and on thread and locked thread and unlocked thread and thread about thread.

I know at times I have been really scared of people. If someone got mad at me, or labeled me something or other that sounded to me like "bad mother" or "coward" I would lock threads, block PMs and start posting in Senegalese to avoid being confronted. I AM a coward! I HAVE been a bad mother sometimes!

Ahhhhh. What a relief. All I'm saying is, it's a so what. So what if we're all a little crazy, a little manipulative, a little spooky, a little snarly, at times. We are clever survivors who ingrained all sorts of stuff but we do sound so REASONABLE to ourselves.

I vote we ball up all the painful thread and troll for a kitten. And I know that sound disrespectful of your pain here but in my weird backward way I really don't mean it that way. I am sort of banging you on your back like I'm Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man wanting to learn to dance, and you're Charlie got your eye on the jackpot and don't quite feel like dancing right at the moment, but I'm determined, I've got a date so teach me to dance!

Have you ever read The Four Agreements by Don Ameche or whatever his name is?

Anyway, this is rambling and I'm sort of tipsy with tiredness but I wanted to reach out to you in some sort of way and this is what came out.

Give yourself a sweet hug, Leah. You're not a bad person. Neither's Jac. Nobody is here.

love,
Hops

[Leah]

Validation was all - what anyone needs in any given situation.  Jac pounced with assumption onto me and my post. 


Enabling Jac's behavior with regard to me or anyone else, won't help Jac at all.

It would seem that this is not the first entanglement Jac has got herself into. 

What is being unsaid is .... Jac it's okay to wrongly accuse and verbally abuse someone whom you had no interaction with

and discount her when she tries to explain to you that her posts were personal and had nothing to do with your circle of friends conflict.

We all need to be accountable and responsible for our choice of behavior - religion or not.

Discerned there was an issue regarding my personal faith in G-d "behind the scenes" weeks ago. 

I'm not the first and I won't be the last.

As for me, there is no need for me to say anymore on the subject as I have typed the validation to my heart. 

Enabling Wisdom is the key --- if everyone stepped back and let it rest, it would help Jac realize what's real and true in the conflict

she has got herself into - as CB wisely advised. 


Back again - had to restart my computer as the keyboard froze / locked

In the USA someone (can't remember who exactly) wrote a book and course "Changing Patterns + Assertiveness"  --- this highly acclaimed

course has been widely adopted and used ....... I have been on the course.

Please don't misread assertiveness for anger.

Discussing openly and honestly avoids conflict - and really listening or "reading" prevents misunderstandings.

Whereas, discounting a person causes anguish. 

Really, I feel, that your post is in reaction to my response to Deb's honest and real declaration that Gossiping is rife in the PM arena and Jac got herself

entangled with her friends there - hence, she is now in a pickle of her own making due to leaping in my post - on an assumption.

Allow Jac, as CB wisely said, to step back and see.

I can see quite clearly how and why Jac got ensnared and stung.

What has happened to Jac is just as unfortunate as ironically, what has been done unto me.

But a "pity party" is not helping - rather it only serves to hinder growth.

Forgiveness is in my heart - empowerment for Jac is to right any wrong she may come to realize for herself.

Love to you Hops and Jac.

Please try and read only what I have written here,

with a genuine heart.

(( Leah ))

[Hopalong]

Ah well.

I didn't follow--sorry, Leah, I probably shouldn't have written such a ramble when I'm too tired to make much sense--and I'm really not wishing you didn't have faith, I'm glad you do! (We agnostics can feel very wistful about that. Or, more accurately, "me" agnostic.  )

I know it's very important to you (and to many here).

But I think what I'm saying is I keep thinking I'm hearing you say: bad, bad Jac!

And I feel as though you won't be happy until I agree with you: bad bad Jac!

And in a sort of emoto-practical way I think this is why we have dogs.

Anyway, I do love all dogs. Every single barky bitey one.
So that goes for people too.

'Night all.

Hops

[reallyME]

CB, you mentioned in your post, an instance of people in a restaurant arguing and us not knowing where to look.  The first place I'd be looking, personally, is to the restaurant owner, to REPORT IT!  i'm a whistle-blower all the way.  In this situation, with jac, etc, I feel no need to report, but to SU PPORT.

Jac, I don't feel you are doing wrong by bringing me into your "dance"...I'll do the dance with ya, but I'll be sure and share the steps that will win us the prize in any contest.

~Laura

[Leah]

My true best friends tell me the truth - which has enabled me to grow.

And not what I want to hear.

Honestly.

Leah xx


Knowing the difference makes all the difference.

[FS]

Leah & Jac,

you both are passionate people.  Neither of you wants to be voiceless, none of us do.

The bickering is a negative for the board and it's also boring.  Other than you two, no one knows what your talking about.

Leah:  Hops was trying to tell you, in a very nice way, to cool it.  Since Hops didb't get throuh to you, I'm more blunt.  Your getting too defensive and ironically, you sound like a N.  You want to be right no matter the price.  If others disagree with you, you drown them out and make them voiceless. You defend yourself to the bitter end.  Enough already.  Take a breather. 

It does not matter who is right and who is wrong.  You both have different opinions.  Let's  learn that there are better ways to deal with conflict and anger.

FS

[Leah]

Sadly, it should never have reached this stage.

When you have been Discounted and Countered by someone, and told you are a liar - as was and remains the case.

The truth is - it is a painful reminder of an N.  How would you feel ??

Please let it rest now - as I am doing.

Someone else has locked a thread earlier, read it and see, the insensitive posts have hurt the person.

My real life friend has logged on and viewed all the threads and posts during the last hour or so - thankfully she has affirmed and validated and we are discussing it at the moment.  The more we all post about it the bigger it gets.

So it's okay it really is Guest FS.

I should have stayed silent and do understand why it was futile to hope for an apology.

cultural boundary.

Thank you.  Leah x

[dandylife]

Leah,
This particular thread was started in response to the post that came up after someone did not get a reply via PM. I was just saying that I don't agree that issues brought up in PM should be dealt with in this way for the whole board to see - only not getting the whole story. I don't think it's fair to the board members or the 3rd person whom we don't know was involved.

I'm sorry that you became collateral damage here. That's not a good thing, either. You must have felt horrified when what you posted was assumed to be one thing when it was only trying to help. You do deserve validation here and I can see that you were very very hurt.

Hang in there, too, because as a community we are all trying to be supportive. Obviously this doesn't always work perfectly!

Dandylife