Dear Sjkravill,
I am thoroughly impressed with how you are able to so quickly see the ways in which you may be being undermined by your H. And yes, to approach you with a very emotionally laden conversation when you are busy, distracted and tired is not fair. And as you have requested that he not do this, it really doesn't matter if he is continuing to do it intentionally or not. He is not respecting your wishes either way.
As you have noticed, he is pushing HIS agenda and HIS desires at your expense. This is fairly typical N behavior. My NH used to like to start an argument just as I was leaving for work or just as we were going out the door to attend some funtion or other. It ensured that I would be upset, fragile, and not at my best. Of course, he was "just fine." I can't tell you how many parties we arrived at where I had to stay in the car for a while to collect myself. It took years before I became aware of this subtle pattern of sabotage.
It is no surprise to hear that he considers separation to be out of the question. Ns don't like to be alone. And, they generally don't want to "share" you with anyone else either! My NH quite insidiously cut me off from my friends one by one. And then he tried to do it with my family. Fortunately, I stood up to him on that one with such force that he backed off. Actually he scurried away like a dog with his tail between his legs. Most Ns are cowards underneath all of their "confidence."
But I always paid for it one way or another. When I went to visit my mother, upon my return I would notice that he had spent a lot of money or created a huge mess in the house or gotten himself in some sort of minor trouble that was left for me to sort out. Punishment for my "defection to the other side" you see.
You said how difficult you found it to think clearly when you are around him. Yes, this again is quite usual. Ns want us to be dependent on them so that we won't leave them. If they can keep you flustered, confused, depressed, or not thinking clearly, it helps their cause. It is hard enough to end a relationship when one is healthy. To muster the strength to leave when one is muddled and debilitated is much more difficult. Ns count on this.
I sympathize with your thinking that it is so hard to point to specific things that your H does that can be classified as abuse. It might be easier if there were physical bruises, eh? Picture the emotional bruises in your heart. They are just as real as the other ones.
Like many who have spoken here before me, the labels don't really matter, your H may be an N, he may just be a jerk. The labels helped me to clarify what was happening. It made sense of the confusion. It helped me take inventory. It helped to validate what I had suspected. Only you will know how to do this for your particular circumstances. No one else can do that for you.
I remember that you are waiting for some books to arrive, so I have copied another URL if you are interested. This one is about the bonds of an abusive relationship and how we, as recipients of abuse, also have a responsibility. I discovered this one after I had decided to leave my NH, but found it compelling nevertheless. And yes, there really is an "awakening." It comes when YOU are ready and no sooner. I still read it from time to time to remind me to be aware.
http://www.mtoomey.com/breakingfree.htmlI send you strength, awareness and A BIG HUG too !! You are respected here !!
Gingerpeach
