Dear Mary,
It hurts so much to find the truth sometimes, perhaps all the time. Your story has come to the right place, because, like you, the people on this board have had to deal with this in one form or another.
I wish you were my sister in law. This is why. She married my brother about twelve years ago, a man who, like me was abused incessantly by an N out of control mother who drank and took pills as well as an N abler father.
I liked my sister in law when she was going out with my brother. I was fearful though because he had had a series of girlfriends throughout his lifetime all of which I had seen him abuse. Little did I know then the degree to which he had been infected by the Narcisistic personality.
He was handsome, charming, but especially handsome, girls just went crazy for him. In fact when he met his present wife he was already going out with a first cousin ( don't worry, we're both adopted so although it sounds incestuous ( which to some degree it is!), it was on the acceptable, biological side of acceptable!); he was two timing, we all knew it except the first cousin!
I witnessed my brother destroy his girlfriends' self esteem and self-concept in general, girl after girl. He was reproducing the control, the verbal abuse and berating etc. typical of his and my upbringing. The things my mother and father did to him while he was groing up are too numerous to include here..I'm sure you can imagine.
His present wife had a business of her own, she was quite pleasant, independent, industrious, fun-loving, she had a mind of her own. Yet, in retrospect, something must have been missing in her to so desperately want my brother. Since she has been married to him, she has completely changed. She gave up her carreer, she caters to my brother past the point. She accepts his demeaning comments. They have two children , a boy 11 and a girl now 8. For my brother, everything on the outside must look perfect. He berated his wife while she was pregnant with comments such as " don't lose your figure, shape or i'll look elsewhere" and many more comments. How do I know this? Because he has never had any problem abusing her or any of his girlfriends publicly, why should he? That's how he was brought up. In fact my sister in law gave birth by c-section to two premature children, to conserve "her figure".
My brother makes her cut the grass and do a variety of other chores, because HE is at work and doesn't have time. Their house is immaculate, beyond clean and tidy. The children are always fashionably dressed and are not allowed to get dirty..EVER! She runs an illegal daycare at home, ( under the table you know) to support my brother's need of having everything clean and modern and recent.
I could go on Mary, and on and on. My sis in law is now on Zoloft, " can't get off it!" and she has gained many many pounds. She has become his performing machine..it's so sad.
Of course now that I don't get along with my parents, they ( bro and sis in law) have taken their side after much persuasion and the usual N lies. We simply no longer speak.
Here's a typical N story. You might find it funny in a tragic way. It's the truth, this really happened:
I was invited to my niece's baptism 8 years ago. Here I am in my brother's immaculate house. I'm speaking with the guests blah blah blah. I decide I must visit the bathroom and thus excuse myself and start up the perfect staircase. Out of the corner of his eye, my brother sees me. In front of all the guests, he asks me where I'm going. Everyone is hushed, not a peep! I tell him, rather sarcastically that i'm on the way to relieve myself. He answers the following in front of everyone " Well , just make sure you pee sitting down, I don't want you to splash all over the floor!" I was floored!
And don't you know it, his father in law came to my rescue. right then and there he looked at the guests and me, and his daughter and he said pointing at me: " It's him you should've married!" and that was that, my brother wasn't even embarrassed, he went on with the day. After all he was entitled! And my sis in law, by then well entrenched in her husband's snare went on with things as well.
Does that sound remotely like your husband? I'm leaving alot out obviously, but is your hubby like that? If he is,I feel awful for you because of what you went through but happy too, that you have stumbled upon the truth..now with your therapy you can save yourself and your children by stopping it now, before a new N generation begins.
Remember, I saw my brother grow up. We had the same parents(adoptive), I experienced what he went through. My N mother's number one M/O was divide and conquer, divide and rule so she always pitted us one against the other. She did not allow us to become close at all..that was much too threatening for her.
A part of me sees my brother as a victim of my N parents, just as much as I am, the other part wants to whoop his @ss everytime he humiliates his wife and or kids. My parents like to rant about his behaviour but would never accept that I would confront him, of course they've done nothing themselves. There was a time ( until my parents and I stopped getting along!) when my parents hated his wife. Sound familiar Mary? Now they hate my wife...if I had not cut them off you can bet your bottom dollar they would alternate ad eternam between hating my wife and his wife. I'm just beginning now to get off this crazy merrygoround!
And the guilt and the shame..I know about that too. But you know, there's a big beautiful world out there. You and I both want a piece of it. Let's go get it ok? In the name of truth and dignity, yours and mine and your children's.
There is a lot we can do..this board is a lifeline to me..I give and take and it's free!
More later, Kind regards, Nic
