I just wanted to say goodbye to all of you. I know that will make a lot of people here very happy.
I can see that no one noticed but I spent the better part of last night deleting all of my posts so that no one will be reminded of me but to be honest because of how raw it felt to leave so much of myself in a place that dislikes me so intensely.
I should be used to that by now. Only a few people could relate to having a mother who threw knives at you and choked you and beat you. Or a father who raped you so bad and so many times that you can't even remember. And sisters and brother who didn't care. And still don't care. All they could ever do was tell me to shut up about it. I feel like that hurt me so bad, I've spent my whole life trying to heal from it, trying to say, hey, you know, I'm so hurt inside but no one ever wants to listen. I always recreate that dynamic, the no one wants to hear it scenario. I try very hard to see my part. I feel I'm making some progress. I know I get angry and I don't always say the right things but I've accepted that I'm human and can't be perfect. But when other's hurt me, and I try to talk about it somehow I'm not supposed to. I guess I should be perfect after all. I should know it's not the right time or that I should say it better. I should know I haven't said it the right way. I'm too angry or too judgmental. I just want to die because anything would feel better than this pain. It's like a huge boulder on my chest. I feel stupid writing this. I know some people will think I"m looking for attention or for someone to feel sorry for me. I know some people think I'm a troulbe maker and I'm out to get them. I know a lot of peole will think I'm acting. My whole family says all of those thing to me about the abuse and the molestation because I should just shut up. I guess that's how I feel when someone tells me to shut up, like they made me feel about the molestation and the abuse. we've never tlaked about ti and we never will. But surely God wants me to heal from this because I keep encountering it over and over again. They just wanted me to shut up. And you guys just want to shut up. SO I probably should shut up too, forever. I noticed in the new threads about conflict, Gratitudes thread said, "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Boy, what a kick in the gut. I just felt sure she was talking about me and suddenly I knew what I needed to do. I don't want to have such negativity directed towards me anymore. It was hard enough living with it eighteen years in my mother's house. God, would'nt my duaghter be heartbroken to know that her mother is just a big pice of nothing. I don't want her to ever live with coming from that. And my son, he wouldn't want to go to open school night with nothing, how will he ever have pride? No, better for me to go away. I'm just going to go to sleep and never wake up and God will forgive me, because he see's my heart and he knows that I"m not a bad person and I'm not an abuser and I'm not an animal. I think I just don't bellong here in this world. I have a heart that's too sensitive and I'm so tired of it being stepped on and tossed aside and broken. But when I die I won't feel this pain anymore. I wonder if that's what people who commit suicide feel like and that's what they want to say. Funny, I never thought of myself as suicidal until now. So I don't know the point of this. I guess I just wanted to express my feelings, because I know how happy it willl make all of you. at my funeral they'll be a nice big empty room. after all when your own mother treats you like you're nothing and your family treats you like you're nothing and your father uses you because you're nothing, it doesn't take too much to know that you are nothing and everywhere you go you continue to be nothing. because you don't matter. And I just can't cope anymore because nobody loves me and nobody cares about me and everyone hates me. God, that hurts to know. I've tried everything I can think of and nothing is working. so what's left but this. ~jac
