I guess, what I need is to accept the fact that he did this somewhat consciously so that I can finally bury him in my mind and realize that I never had a father. At this point I am still in the stage of feeling sorry for him and this causes me great guilt. How sick is it to feel sorry for your abuser. How hurtful to your SELF can this very process be. Help me get through this. Show me the light.
Steve,
My genuine empathy and understanding to you and agreement that yes, it certainly does seem to be a conscious choice. My mother extended love in abundance to my brother, which was wonderful for him, and again, when she remarried and had another daughter, she adored her and revered her to the point of damaging her life (different aspect - long story)
I felt truly sorry for my mother, I felt pity for her, and so I foolishly allowed my heart to rule, three years ago (I was at an all time low re: my exNh and extremely vulnerable). I allowed her back into my life.
In effect, I now realize that I "enabled her behavior" or worse still "reinforced her behavior".
So she worked on me again with her evil tongue of malice and N behavior, resulting in my having to once again endure, traumatic stress, pick up the pieces, and start all over again, from scratch, my journey of healing and recovery.
In the book that I have read, twice now, "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout Ph.d. she states that "1 in 25 ordinary people secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty." "Who is the devil you know?"
Martha Stout is bang on --- my mother actually said to me, "I never feel guilty about anything, I know that I am always right" "It's others who need to change, not me, why should I"
So the chilling reality over a year ago now hit my heart like a dagger.
***
Martha Stout in "The Sociopath Next Door" mentions on page 160 of her book .....
9. Question your tendency to pity too easily ..........Respect should be reserved for the kind and morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response, and it should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurt you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are you are dealing with a sociopath.
Related to this - I recommend that you severely challenge your need to be polite in absolutely all situations. For normal adults in our culture, being what we think of as "civilized" is like a reflex, and often we find ourselves being automatically decorous even when someone has enraged us, repeatedly lied to us, or figuratively stabbed us in the back.
Sociopaths take huge advantage of this automatic courtesy in exploitive situations.
Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.
10. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable.
... If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut off your losses.
The sociopath's behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission.
Your mission is your own life.
I feel, as many professionals do, the same applies with Narcissistic people, and my breakthrough was realization and acceptance that my Narcissistic Mother's choice of behavior was not, in any way whatsoever, my fault.
Therefore, my feeling is,
At this point I am still in the stage of feeling sorry for him and this causes me great guilt.
We have nothing to feel 'guilty' for.
We have everything to be thankful for --- in our feeling guilty, we have reassurance and knowledge that we possess a conscience!
That is something to feel worthy about!
Leah x