Missing puzzle pieces

[clj]

hi can u elabourate a bit on what u said on the last paragraph? Yes that was a common one. what about um....(on a similar theme)' I brought you into this world!!!!' (i.e. and you disappoint me like this, after all ive done etc etc...).
'I didnt bring you up to be like this, do that' etc etc).

[surf14]

At least they told you you were great although it was discordant.  All the kids in my family heard was how destructive they were, rotten and selfish!  Pretty embarrassing when you're only 8-10 and she's on the phone to your friends mother saying things like that!  Surf

[clj_writes]

clj--I am confused by your post--could you please clarify?  

This is getting weird with a cj, a clj, and a clj_writes (me).  Perhaps I should change my name selection!

You are right, Surf.  I am grateful my parents weren't tearing me down all the time.  They did try to boost me although a lot of their other behaviors were counterproductive.  For many years I thought I had the perfect parents and upbringing, and that all the other kids got gypped.  I was shocked when I started discovering how controlled I was and how it was impacting me as an adult.

My mother wants to BE me.  I think she wants to do her life over and get it right this time.  Hence the nickname "Smother Mother".  She is also called "Drama Mama" at times.  

[cj]

Sorry christy. um,,,i managed to type my name as clj for some reason lol. I just wondered if you could elabourate on the last paragraph, maybe examples? ..... When you say trust *those* people, do you mean your parents. Also what was considered 'unnaceptable'. (Or an example of....)

[surf14]

Ha Ha; those are cute names!  Your mother is a "binding" mother who could potentially smother you because of her attempts to bind you to her.  At least you are aware of it so  'knowing the problem is 80% of the cure'.   Does she get angry at you or guilt trip you when you attempt tp establish your own identity?  or is she not the rageful type? if not you are very lucky.   Surf

[clj_writes]

cj,
By trust those people I guess I mean I knew at some level that things were very *off*.  All the focus on my mother's pain and then my father's emotional disconnection from everything...the perfect family was much less than.  Now I see clearly so much of what was wrong and cannot trust them with who I am.  

Let's see, here's a list of unacceptable: anything but super short hair (I started growing mine out last year at age 40!), just being instead of doing, associating with others outside the family (okay as a child, NOT as an adult...my parents had no friends), putting anything into writing (no wonder my anxiety is sky-rocketing here!), underachieving, feelings, getting married (I did at age 35), having children (we are trying now...rather belatedly, eh?)...I obviously could go on and on.

Surf,
My mother doesn't "do" angry.  She doesn't do any emotions whatsoever.  Her only quasi-emotive states are pain and anxiety.  She acts hurt when I establish my own identity.  She is still upset I got married and she wants me all to herself when we visit.  He is the perfect foil; definitely repellent to the smothering tendencies!    I don't feel lucky, somehow.  I feel I got a goodly dose of pain although I would never attempt to compare it to anyone else's.  I want all my cells to deeply know what it is to be healthy and whole and fully myself.  I can't seem to get there by saying "it wasn't that bad".  I've tried that innumerable times but it just doesn't work.  I think by stating my truths I will be able to transcend them and put them into better perspective.  I want to believe it, anyway.

[surf14]

You're on a roll Christy; you seem to know what it will take to find yourself.  Good Luck!  Surf

[clj_writes]

Thanks, Surf!

Well, I started freaking out after all my posts and then began IM'ing with a fairly new friend of mine and told her what I had called my mother on a forum and how I thought it was freaking me out.  Well, she said "Check out the definition of narcissism at voicelessness.com".  I asked her how she knew about this forum and she said I had posted it in another forum weeks ago (major "duh" for me!).  So I go to the narcissism article and am floored!  The exceptionally vulnerable part, the using someone important--OMG!!!  

Then I start remembering things like when I was in my late 20's and early 30's and she would come into the bathroom when I was taking a shower and tell me "wow, you do have fat thighs!".  (I am 5'6" and weighed about 125 at the time--it was the height of my binge eating.)  And various and sundry other negative comments (amazing how the brain has select memory sometimes) came back too made both by her AND my father.  

Although it is disturbing to see them in a clearer light, on one hand, it is a vast relief on the other.  I am not insane.  (I just keep repeating this to myself in amazement!)

Thanks for helping to spur this insight!!

[clj_writes]

Hi, everyone.  I just figured out something and I could use some help.  I have been in self-destruct mode the past day or so and now I realize it is because I am angry at my mother and her "painful childhood" that I was so  protective of my whole life.  Before I felt like "yeah, it wasn't so good but she needed me soooo much, it was worth it" but that has vaporized and I've got the most intense anger I can ever remember burning in me now.

Any suggestions?  I'm at work so there aren't any pillows to punch!  The good news is that I recognize feelings.  The bad news is that they are overwhelming me and I'm binging and see no end to this....

[Anonymous]

Hi Christy,

Can strongly identify with being used by parents to ease their pain.  Short of actual therapy, I recommend just writing it all down in a journal (it can be on the computer if you type faster than you write).  That is, what happened, the memories and how you feel about it.  It really helps to get it out of your head and on paper, and to connect the feelings with what happened.  Rage, cry, mourn.  

I use spiral notebooks because they are cheap (no use feeling guilty ruining a pretty book with ugly thoughts) and I had a lot of them to fill!

Hope this suggestion helps.  Best, Seeker

[rosencrantz]

Christy - I can only share my own experience.  When the anger hit, I was so blindly 'enraged' I really think I would have killed my mother had she been asleep and had I been in the same house (lots of 'ifs'!!).  I've never felt anything to intense or so absolute. Fortunately I was hundreds of miles away and it wasn't strong enough to get me into the car and onto the road!!!

The binging is squashing it down.  Don't be frightened of it.  It won't kill you and you won't kill her!!!  If you squash it down, you'll just have to keep going through it as it will keep coming up and you'll keep squashing it down.  

You know, I taught my son about hitting pillows for anger and what I've seen has made me realise that it's not the right solution.  You need to sit and feel its intensity at the centre of your stomach or solar plexus (or wherever you feel it most) and let it rise up and overflow - like a well that fills from the bottom until it overflows.  Really feel the intensity and just notice how it rises and then washes away on the momentum of the tide.

I think the anger is 'just' part of the process of what we're all going through as we become 'aware' and you need to go through it to go forward.

You can do it  
R

[clj_writes]

Dear Seeker and Rosencrantz,
Thank you both so much!  I do a lot of writing and thought I'd written the anger out last week (ha--that's pretty funny--thinking I could write out a lifetime of suppressed anger in one session!).  I'll definitely be at the page more with this one!

R, I know you are right about feeling the anger.  I know it has to pass through me.  At least now I see that it is anger and not something unknown.  It is funny (ironic funny) but I was reading a book and was doing the exercises chapter by chapter until I came to the one on "Confronting Mother" where you experience your anger at the mother you've internalized.  I got stalled there about 6 weeks ago.  I just couldn't conjure up any any anger or come up with any specific examples I wanted to work through.  OMG--blind, deaf and dumb (as in unable to speak), I'd say!

Thanks again.  Time to see how much shaking my internal rafters can take!  

[clj_writes]

Thank you again, dear Rosencrantz.  Last night (while repeating the mantra of "it won't kill her and it won't kill me"), I did as you suggested.  The response in my body was intense but not painful like trying to not feel it had been!  I discovered it wasn't just anger but a combination of anger and grief--grief at how I had been duped for so many years apparently.  Anyway, it was cathartic!  I don't think I would have been able to do it without your encouragement and coaching--many thanks.