Just have to accept what I cannot change

[Leah]

Sorry but I felt it necessary to remove my personal life story - all a bit too out in the open.


Thank you ((( Hops ))) and ((( Deb )))

for your kind supportive responses and insight.


This is all about Mothering Sunday approaching on the 18th March

and I feel ...... well I don't have a label for my feeling ..... other than I so wanted a mother with a heart
who would love me and hold me, like me.

The way my heart was jam packed with love for my dear son.


I'm just too much of a softy.

Leah xx


However, the insight I have gained today has and will continue to be an enormous help to me along my journey, as I have managed to put 2 and 2 together regarding something that has been puzzling me.  Should be able to put it to rest now.

Thank you again.

Leah xx

[Leah]

Well for the moment, that's all I can post.


From one Adult Child of an N 'mother' to another,


But, please allow me to say, with a sincere heart, to those who may feel that they may have failed in some way as a Mother,

whose feelings are just the same as mine (all due to our own FOO experience and upbringing and not knowing)

No woman on this board need feel that they have failed as a Mother, for no woman on this board behaved as my 'mother' did to

me, and I feel sure that I do not stand alone, as there are most likely countless other 'mothers' out there of the same ilk -

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow - sadly.


So as a Mother speaking to all Mother's here on this board, I would say, we did the very best we could, with all that we had.


Love Leah xx

[dandylife]

Leah,
Your post drew me in and had me wanting to hug that little Leah and punch that mother. It is a coping mechanism to say that she did her best - and you're right - in her own circumstances she did do her best. But under no circumstances is what she did OKAY. It was pure terroristic abuse. Was there someone in your family circle that WAS loving and protective of you?

I'm so glad that you are now on this journey of healing. You seem to be in a good place now.

Dandylife

[Leah]

author=dandylife link=topic=4346.msg67048#msg67048 date=1173278619]
Leah,
Your post drew me in and had me wanting to hug that little Leah and punch that mother. It is a coping mechanism to say that she did her best - and you're right - in her own circumstances she did do her best. But under no circumstances is what she did OKAY. It was pure terroristic abuse. Was there someone in your family circle that WAS loving and protective of you?

I'm so glad that you are now on this journey of healing. You seem to be in a good place now.

Dandylife

Oh Dandylife,

Please read again, as I am saying that WE did OKAY as Mother's

having experienced N mother's ourselves under whatever circumstances.

WE as adult children of N's

WE did our very best.

Love

Leah xx


PS... I have just editted my post to include a sub header "From one Adult Child of an N 'mother' to another" as I felt it best to do so.  Thanks x

[dandylife]

Ahh.
Yes, there are common responses to having been abused - pass on the behaviors. Or vow never to do them to anyone else.

Here's to those who stop the abuse - sometimes it takes alot of education and growing.

Here's to healing and love.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Leah,
I am so sorry that you were held hostage by so much fear and abuse.
It must have been terrible to have it repeated in adulthood by your exNh and Nsister, devastating.

It's great to grow up with compassion for all of the children of Nmothers who become mothers themselves.
As long as you have compassion for Little Leah too, who did not deserve it, any of it.

Hops

[debkor]

Leah,

I'm so sorry that you were brainwashed as a kid using fear to control your voice?   I am curious though did your mom put fear into you that you would die if you said anything following with normal talk.  What I mean is did she say (you know little girls die when they speak outside the family then go onto normal everyday talk) there was a drug treatment facility that my ex had gone to. They used a brain washing method (not in a bad way).  It was a break them down/build them back up methods.
For instance  I went there one day and I saw some guy walking around with a big sign. I didn't have my glasses so I couldn't see what it said.  I thought it was a lunch menu (you know like the ones outside a restaurant) especially since he was near the lunchroom.  I thought it was a little odd so I asked my friend who was with me what does that say?  He also had a stocking on his head covering his hair.  She told me it said *Confront me why I'm a Liar* I said am I supposed to ask him why he is a liar? They said no, no, that's not for you. It was for the rest of the members who were staying. I asked why?  I believe if I can remember. It was a way of stripping them; exposing them and making them face their denial. Once that happens they start building them back with good things, self esteem.

But I thought about my friend and what she does with her children *how she confuses them* I always thought of the above method and she was using that to some extent (unaware of it) breakdown/buildup forming their little minds to justify herself (get what she wants).   When I read just now what you wrote my same thoughts came back.
I think some of the methods (used differently) was some of the things our POW's went through.
Love
Deb

[Leah]

 
Hi Deb,

When I first read your response I was somewhat "what is she saying?"

Then I sat back and read it again !!!       moment

Many many seemingly small things have been filtering back lately ..... as I have wanted them too (previously, I foolishly blocked my memory)

You have hit me with I think some of the methods (used differently) was some of the things our POW's went through

That's it, the brainwashing ............ for her own personal pleasure!! 

Before my mother met my father, she had been in military service employment (she would never say what exactly or where) she must have left when she married my father.

Until this moment I have never ever made any connection.

Feeling a little bit "tummy churning" at the minute.

Thank You Deb for another piece of the picture forming / jigsaw puzzle.

Feel a bit shocked to be honest - for not thinking of this one - how come I never connected that before? - but then I have never
talked about it to anyone, so I suppose that must be why.

Leah x

Edit:  I have just realized something else that has been ticking over in the back of my mind for months now, putting  2 and 2 together.

[Leah]

 

I am curious though did your mom put fear into you that you would die if you said anything following with normal talk.  What I mean is did she say (you know little girls die when they speak outside the family then go onto normal everyday talk) there was a drug treatment facility that my ex had gone to. They used a brain washing method (not in a bad way).  It was a break them down/build them back up methods.

Deb,

Had to sit and think a while about this and engage in "action replay"

No, she did not build me back up ..... to be honest, I was never up at all really.

After she would tell me "you know another girl has died today ..... and the details thereof"  ..... she would never be looking at me face to face, she would be busy doing something, this particular instance she at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes ........

So with her face fixed upon her job in hand

She would always say something like .... "Anyway (drawn out)  " have you got any homework?"   or  "go lay the table"

That was it, nothing else.

I have been struggling so hard to remember mother actually "chatting" with me, but she didn't, really there was no time when she did.

Leah

[debkor]

Leah,

You would of never thought of that just like I didn't and found what they were doing bizarre.
I think the way this rehab worked was on a military way of reprogramming.

So what I'm thinking is *especially with young children* you were all ready programmed. You were brainwashed with abuse to think exactly like the abuser wanted you too.  You were kept there. Kind of a Prisoner of War (A prisoner of family war)having to go through Hell to get reprogrammed to get rid of the denial, the bad things, get healthy again.

So you were pretty much held captive against your will. You were only a child. Same thing as being held prisoner. Now you are rescuing yourself. Reprogramming your programed thoughts.

You were broken down/now building up.

I hope I am making sense. It's hard to explain when writing. I could be very wrong but I did think back to the methods that they used. Please forgive me if I'm way off.

Love Deb

[debkor]

Leah,

As opposed to most narcissists, psychopaths are either unable or unwilling to control their impulses or to delay gratification. They use their rage to control people and manipulate them into submission.

Psychopaths, like narcissists, lack empathy but many of them are also sadistic: they take pleasure in inflicting pain on their victims or in deceiving them. They even find it funny!

Psychopaths are far less able to form interpersonal relationships, even the twisted and tragic relationships that are the staple of the narcissist

Both the psychopath and the narcissist disregard society, its conventions, social cues and social treaties. But the psychopath carries this disdain to the extreme and is likely to be a scheming, calculated, ruthless, and callous career criminal. Psychopaths are deliberately and gleefully evil while narcissists are absent-mindedly and incidentally evil.


Um Uh-oh.  I think my ex so I thought n cause that was the way it appeared in the beginning and never was in therapy long enough may just be a Pyschopath.  He is a career criminal along with the other things.

Love
Deb

[debkor]

No Problem Leah,
 

No sorries needed.

Love
Deb

[Leah]

Oh I have just read your reply to my question Deb and thankyou.

Psychopaths are far less able to form interpersonal relationships, even the twisted and tragic relationships that are the staple of the narcissist

She has never formed an interpersonal relationship, I can't say what she did to her second husband, for fear, as she loves hunting on  the internet all day, for something to do.  Though having said she has never read a bible, so would unlikely place a search on Leah.

But, my goodness, my instinct was right, she is a Psychopath.

You know she always used to warm people into her confidence and then use the information against them.  I can vividly remember several incidents.  In particular, her cruel behavior to my dear Aunt.

And I was never allowed to see my Aunt again.

My Nsister is the same as my mother, down to the same look, laugh and walk.  It is truly scary.

I was advised recently to consider looking up Psychopath regarding my mother, but I dismissed it for two reasons,

1.  To me a Psychopath is a murderous person.

2.  It's bad enough thinking my mother is has NPD but Psychopath is just too much of a 'bad' word.

Psychopaths, like narcissists, lack empathy but many of them are also sadistic: they take pleasure in inflicting pain on their victims or in deceiving them. They even find it funny!

She always laughs "that laugh" ... and the day that my N sister stood next to my exNh .... she had the same look and "that laugh"


What an embarrassing FOO I have.

Leah

[Leah]

Both the psychopath and the narcissist disregard society, its conventions, social cues and social treaties. But the psychopath carries this disdain to the extreme and is likely to be a scheming, calculated, ruthless, and callous career criminal. Psychopaths are deliberately and gleefully evil while narcissists are absent-mindedly and incidentally evil.

Harrowing truth and realization that the above describes the person who is my mother.


It was 'Mother's Game'

She enjoyed 'brainwashing' me with fear as a child, and again, once when an adult.

She enjoyed playing games with adult people - in deception, manipulation and emotional blackmail .......

And her specialty was playing 'one off against the other'

Never random, always carefully thought out and masterminded.

So thankful to have been able to share this today as it is a welcome relief and validation.

The Psychopath aspect, I am left struggling to accept that that belongs to my mother.

Leah

[debkor]

Leah,

well I don't think we really have to accept it.  They have never been diagnosed by a professional.  Mine has been diagnosed but not fully. So I'm good with N. I can handle that.

Thank you too for putting out to all the mothers that we are good mothers.  Feels like an early Mothers Day Gift.
Thank you.
Love
Deb