Hi Seastorm
don't feel inadequate in any way- this is the stages you go through to detach from a horrible abusive situation.
It's amazing how there's always a woman willing to step in and enable an abuser though when you dump them; you'd think they'd learn from the way he treats you but nope....just live in my mansion honey, any crumb if you must be better than nothing....no wonder there's no vested interest in abusive guys to change is it!
i was back to thinking it was all my fault and I am mentally ill and see things through a distorted lens of paranoia.
I am mentally ill ( bipolar ) and I assure you I am the only person in my immediate surroundings for a long time who was reacting accurately to ex and his behaviours.
If you feel it then it probably is; if you feel it over and over and over time- then it definitely is. Trust yourself Seastorm.
Part of me fantasizes about everything being ok again. I have been in so much pain about the breakup and everything that I wish I could just feel safe and secure again for an hour.
you weren't safe with him though were you, the security was part of the fantasy. And we all want that- to be loved and taken care of, there's nothing wrong in that except first we have to love and take care of ourself.
I am trying to figure out why I feel so exhausted and depressed.
it's a grieving process. You will come out the other side and enjoy things and feel 'normal' again, you will.
My ex called me malevolent during our phone call. He said that I emasculated him.
if he's N he will hate anyone who doesn't conform to his distorted self-image. That's his problem.
My ex says this too. I have undermined him constantly.
Yes, right, so that gave him the right to _________________ ( insert lie/ cheat/ hit/ rage/ minimise/ etc )
Have you read Lundy Bancroft's Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men?
One of the great things about that book is you get a good look at the distorted values and attitudes of an abuser and a perspective on how it's not you got things so wrong- it's him and sometimes even society...
There is still that wounded part of me that wants him no matter what.
we always wonder 'what if...' and want to rework our problems or mistakes. But only he can change himself and moving in with someone who will support him doesn't seem like much personal growth to me.
Be strong, Seastorm.
These men take so much from everyone around them but you don't have to let him take your long-term happiness.
And that starts with drawing a boundary round yourself right now to protect you from his insults and build your self-confidence again.
Unfortunately we buy into fantasy so much with romantic relationships. But that's all it is, I am reminded of Shakespeare which is where we should leave romantic fantasy, back with the 16 th century!
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind.
Wendy Cope put it well in a poem too:
Defining the Problem
I can't forgive you. Even if I could,
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.
Even if you went back the fantasy is lost because you'll never see him blindly again.
Grieve yes, certainly, for that loss. And start today with what is real- your support network, any loveliness around you, friendships and some solid ground of knowledge of abusers and abusive relationships.
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